Detroit Lions Jokes

Q: Why do they have a Ford plant so close to the Ford Field?
A: Because they have an endless supply of crash test dummies right down the road.

Q: How do the Lions count to 10?
A: 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10.

Q: Why did Matthew Stafford cross the road?
A: To get to the hospital on the other side!

According to AAA, the average distance traveled at Thanksgiving was 549 miles roundtrip. The Detroit Lions, on the other hand, couldn't even go 10 yards.

Q: How do you know the Michigan State Police are seriously enforcing the Speed Limits into Detroit.
A: For the first offense, they give you two Detroit Lions tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q: How many Detroit Lions does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A: Nobody knows and we may never find out!

Q: How many Lions fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None they are happy living in Chicago's shadow!

Q: What's the best part about dating a Lions fan?
A: She won't be asking for a ring!

Q: What does LIONS stand for?
A: Lucky In Our Next Season.

Q: How do you keep a Lions fan from masterbating?
A: You paint his dick yellow and green and he won't beat it for years!

Q: Jim Scwartz is reported to be moving to Detroit.
A: He says he wants to get as far away from football as he can.

Q: What did the Lions fan say after his team won the Super Bowl?
A: "Dammit mom, why'd you wake me up? I was having an amazing dream!"

Q: What do the Detroit Lions and a Chick-Fil-A manager have in common?
A: Neither one shows up for work on Sunday.

Q. How are the Detroit Lions like my neighbors?
A. They can't pick up a single yard!

Q: Want to hear a Lions joke?
A: Marvin Jones!

Q: Why is Marvin Jones like a grizzly bear?
A: Every fall he goes into hibernation.

Q: What do you call an Detroit Lion with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief.

Q: What does a detroit lion football player and a cheating husband have in common?
A: They Both Lion (lyin')

Q: What's the difference between the Detroit Lions and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: What do the Detroit Lions and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Q: What is the difference between a Lions fan and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.

Q: How many Detroit Lions does it take to change a tire?
A: One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up

Q: What do the Lions and the Post Office have in common?
A: Neither deliver on Sundays!

Q: Did you hear about the blonde burglar?
A: He broke into the Detroit Lions' trophy room.

Q: What do you call 53 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Detroit Lions.

Q: What do the Detroit Lions and the mailman have in common?
A: Neither deliver on Sunday.

Q: What do the Detroit Lions and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q: How do you keep an Detroit Lions out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: Why are so many Detroit Lions players claiming they have the Swine Flu?
A: So They don't have to touch the pigskin!

Q: What is a Detroit Lions fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat Green Bay."

Q: How do you stop an Detroit Lions fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in Green Bay Yellow and Green!

Q: What is th difference between a bucket of shit and a Detroit Lions fan?
A: The bucket.

Q: If you have a car containing a Lions wide receiver, a Lions linebacker, and a Lions defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.

Q: How do you casterate an Detroit Lions fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth

Q: What should you do if you find three Detroit Lions football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.

Q: What's the difference between a Detroit Lions fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q. How did the Detroit Lions fan die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!

Q: What does an Detroit Lions fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl?
A: He turns off the PlayStation 3.

Q: What do you call a Detroit Lion in the Super Bowl?
A: A referee.

Q: Did you hear that Detroit's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.

Q: What's the best way to teach your dog to roll over and play dead?
A: Have him watch a couple Detroit Lions games.

Q: How many Detroit Lions fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!

Q: What does a Detroit Lions fan and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: Why do Detroit Lions fans keep their season tickets on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: How do the Lions spend the first week of training camp?
A: Studying the Miranda Rights

Q: How do you keep a Lions fan from masterbating?
A: You paint his dick Green Bay green and he won't beat it for years!

Q: Why do the Detroit Lions want to change their name to the Detroit Tampons?
A: Because they are only good for one period and do not have a second string!

Q: What's the difference between the Detroit Lions & the Taliban?
A: The Taliban has a running game!

Q: Where do you go in Detroit in case of a tornado?
A: Ford Field they never get a touchdown there!

Q. Why do ducks fly over Ford Field upside down?
A. There's nothing worth craping on!

Q: Why doesn't Grand Rapids have a professional football team?
A: Because then Detroit would want one.

Q: Why are Detroit Lions jokes getting dumber and dumber??
A: Because Lions fans have started to make them up themselves.

Q: What's the difference between the Detroit Lions and a pinball machine?
A: The pinball machine scores more points.

Q: What's the difference between Detroit Lions fans and mosquitoes?
A: Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.

Did you hear that Ford Field had to be resodded?
Thats really sad when you cant even get your own grass to root for you!

According to a new poll 91 percent of people are satisfied with their lives.
The other 9 percent are Detroit Lions fans.

Son: What's a touchdown?
Dad: I'm not sure son, we're Detroit Lions fans.

Can a Detroit Lions player drive a stick?
Only if they remove the clutch.

My wife was about to put my son in a Detroit Lions jersey, but I reminded her it was a choking hazard.

A Detroit Lions fan doesn't always eat pastries, but when he does it's usually a turnover.

I put a Lions logo on an airplane and now it can't touchdown.

Are you scared of catching the flu? Just hang in the Lions end zone, they don't catch anything there.

The Detroit Lions are doing a reboot of the Wizard of Oz, but this time there are 53 cowardly lions that also wish they only had brains and heart.

I took my broken vacuum cleaner back to the store.
They put a Lions jersey on it and now it sucks again.

Why did the Detroit Lions fan cross the road.....I was thinking when I accelerated.

Child Welfare

A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Fulton County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. \
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Detroit Lions, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Sunday School
The Sunday school lesson was Daniel and the lions' den.
The teacher asked the class how God saved Daniel from the lions.
Most of the class knew that God had sent an angel to shut the lions' mouths.
But one boy said, "Maybe God painted a goal line between Daniel and the lions. The Lions never cross the goal line."

Packers Fan
On the first day of school a first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Lions fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Lions fans.
Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise, 'Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?'
Because I'm not a Lions fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Lions fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Packers fan, and proud of it,' Janie replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Janie please tell us why you are a Packers fan?'
"Because my mom is a Packers fan, and my dad is Packers fan, so I'm a Packers fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Packers fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was a moron, what would you be then?'
"Then," Janie smiled, 'I'd be a Lions fan.'

4 Football Fans
A Redskins fan, an Eagles fan, a Packers fan, and a Lions fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more.
The Redskins fan insists he is the most loyal. 'This is for the Redskins! ' he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain.
Not to be outdone, the Eagles fan shouts, 'This is for the Eagles!' and throws himself off the mountain.
The Packers fan is next to profess his love for his team.
He yells, 'This is for everyone!' and pushes the Lions fan off the mountain.

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