Catholic Jokes

A nun, a priest and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic!

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile.

Why do nuns go everywhere in pairs?
To make sure the other nun gets none.

What kind of fun does a priest have?

How do you get rid of a nun's hiccups?
Tell her she's pregnant!

What is the definition of suspicion?
A nun doing squats in a cucumber field.

What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A tran-sister.

How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an altar boy.

What does a nun and a gremlin have in common?
They're both not allowed to get wet!

What did the nun say to the swiss cheese?
"I'm holier than you"

Why don't nuns wear bras?
God supports everything.

What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Two blondes walk into a salon and the receptionist asks "Are you sisters?
And the blondes reply "No we aren't even catholic."

Getting a chastity talk from nuns. Yes, please continue to tell me why sex is bad since you know from experience

When the nuns are away the catholic school girls will play

There is this sick guy who goes to see his doctor.
While waiting in the waiting room, he sees a nun come out of the consultation room. She looks collapsed and haggard.
When the doctor comes in, the guy asks him: "I just saw a nun out of your house ... She looked really bad. I have never seen anyone with such bad looks!"
The doctor answers him: "Oh yes! I had just told her she was pregnant."
The man replied "It's not true, is it?
The doctor laughs and says "No, of course not she is not pregnant, but it healed her hiccups."

4 Nuns
Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven.
Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned.
"Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.
Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.
"Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied.
"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.
Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?"
She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

One eventful day 3 nuns were driving in a car when the car spun out of control crashing and killing all of them.
They went up to heaven and as they were waiting outside the gates into heaven st. peter appeared.
"Before I let you in you all have to answer 1 question for me" he said.
He turns to the first nun and says "Who were the two first people on the earth created by god?"
The nun responded by saying "adam and eve".
St. peter acccepted her answer and let her into heaven.
He then turns to the second nun and says "Where did adam and eve live? ".
The nun responded by saying " The garden of eden ".
St. peter accepted this answer as well and let this nun into heaven
He then turns to the last nun and says " this question is a little bit more difficult. What was the first thing that eve said to adam?"
The nun stood there and thought about this question for a while.
Not knowing what the answer is she goes " Thats a hard one ".
St. peter says "correct " and lets her into heaven.

When I Grow Up
A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Mary declares, "I want to be a prostitute."

"What did you say?" asks the nun, totally shocked.

"I said I want to be a prostitute," Mary repeats.

"Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!'"

Two Nuns
Two nuns are walking down an alley at night.
Two guys jump out and start raping them.
The first nun looks to heaven and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing."
The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"

Medical Expenses
In Arizona, a poor guy who was brought unconscious to the Emergency Department of the Sisters of Charity Hospital finally out of the operating room.
The nun who wakes him up asks him: "Do you have health insurance?"
He responds "No!"
"Do you have money to pay for your care?"
"Do you have any family who could take care of the medical expenses?"
The man thinks for a moment and says "Ah! I just have a sister and she is in Mexico. She's a poor little nun like you..."
The nun replies "But, sir, no nun is poor! We are rich because we are the wives of the Lord!"
And the guy answers her "Well..... In that case, you'll send the bill to my brother-in-law!"

There is a nun who goes into a grocery store.
She buys a huge bottle of wine and says to the cashier: "I buy this bottle to cure the constipation of the Mother Superior"
An hour later, the cashier comes out of the store, she meets the nun in the street, sitting on a bench, with the empty bottle next to her.
The nun looks as stuffed as the metro at rush hour.
"But my sister! You told me that this bottle was to cure the constipation of the mother superior!" the cashier says
The nun replies "But it's the truth! You'll see, it's really going to piss off her to see me in this state!"

There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each.
So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I'll bless you.
So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed.
The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was. She said, "I had sex with a guy."
The priest said ok, blessed her and said go drink some holy water.
So she did! The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was.
She said, "I got in a fight with another nun." So he says ok, blessed her and told her to go drink some holy water.
So she did! The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did.
And as she was laughing she said, "I pissed in the holy water!"

Three Nuns
Three nuns are walking down the street, when a man jumps out and flashes them.
The first nun falls to the ground and has a stroke,
the second nun falls to the ground and has a stroke,
The third one didn't touch him.

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