Amish Jokes

Q: How do you fit 10 Amish in a VW Beetle?
A: Tell them you are going to the livestock auction

Q: Did you hear about the Amish Flu?
A: There are only two symptoms. First you get a little hoarse, then you get a little buggy.

Q: Why did the Amish woman divorce her husband?
A: He was driving her buggy.

Q: What's the shortest book in the world?
A: Amish war heros.

Q: What goes clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop bang bang bang?
A: Amish driveby shooting.

Q: Why don't the Amish water ski?
A: Because the horses would drown.

Q: How can you tell if someone Amish is an alcoholic?
A: They keep falling off the wagon.

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?
A: A mechanic.

Q: What's an Amish woman's favourite sexual fantasy?
A: Two Mennonite.

Q: How do we know that Adam and Eve were Mennonite?
A: Who else would be alone in a garden with a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit?

Q: What's the difference between a Mennonite girl and Alaska?
A: About three degrees.

Q: What's the difference between an Amish girl and a water buffalo?
A: About 12 pounds of hair.

Q: What's the difference between an Amish boy and a rock?
A: The rock moves faster.

Q: Why don't Amish women wear sleeveless dresses?
A: They refuse to bare arms.

Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two Mennonites found a penny.

Q: What do you call a beautiful girl in an Amish Church?
A: A visitor.


An Amish family from Pennslyvania decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives;
Mother, Father and their son.
They go into the Empire State Building.
As they're walking around they notice the elevator.
Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered.
While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes.

The amish family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up.
They continue to watch as the numbers go down again.
The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful!
Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove your mother in there!"

Two fellers were in desparate need of cash, but admittedly were a bit cowardly.
So the one suggested they break into the Amish market.
The logic being that since the Amish were non-resistant, even if they were caught, no harm could befall them.
Thus they carried out their plot.
However, just as they were breaking into the cash register, the owner turned on the lights and confronted them, a shotgun pointed directly at them.
Calmly, the Amishman said, Boys, I would never do thee any harm yet you are standing where I am about to shoot.

A newcomer to the political scene was campaigning in Amish country for the office of assemblyman.
Outside an Amish homestead, he saw a young man and his sheep.
He approached the man, ready to make his pitch for a vote.

Just as he was getting started, an old man called from inside the house. "Luke, get in the house. And who is that guy you're talking to?"
"Says he's a politician, Pop," Luke said.
"In that case, you'd better bring the sheep inside with you."

Keeping It Warm

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day.
The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up."
So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."

The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, "My nose is freezing cold."
The daughter said, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up."
He did, and his nose warmed up.
The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?"
The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out.

Two amish women were digging potatoes in the field one day.
Bessie pulled out two huge ones. she turned to Sara and said "Ya know Sara, these potatoes remind me of my Jakies balls."
"Why you mean that.. Jakies balls are that big?" asked Sara.
"No", replied Bessie, "but they are that dirty."

Amish Pick Up Lines:

Do you come to this barn often?

Does your field need plowing?

Why don't you come by around 8, bring a fresh bottle of buttermilk, and we'll sit silently amongst my large family.

Would you like to see my well?

I'd totally get shunned for you.

Will you churn my butter for me?

When we're not together I churn for you.

Want to raise a barn with me? It builds community.

I own many acres of fertile land in Pennsylvania

That modestly drab brown dress really brings out your eyes.

This quilting bee is turning into a quilting zzzzz. Wanna take a ride in my buggy, instead?

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