Mike Birbiglia Stand Up Jokes
I realized recently that what I need to find is a woman who love me for my money but doesn't understand math.
I got a gay roommate. I got ground rules. I'm like, “You got to stay on your side of the shower.” And if he doesn't, no more back rubs.
I shouldn't say bad stuff about illiterate people. I should write it.
I stayed at a hotel last week in Washington, D.C. It was the Abraham Lincoln Suites, and they have these Abraham Lincoln quotes everywhere. And one of them was like, 'Whatever you are, be a good one.' I just don't feel like he should get credit for generalities like that. Like, 'How Are Ya?' -- Abraham Lincoln.
I shouldn't say bad stuff about illiterate people, though. I should write it.
I'm Italian... Sometimes people come up to me and they'll be like, 'In Italy, it's pronounced 'Bir-Bee-Lya.' And I'm like, 'In America, you're annoying.'
People get very personally offended by talking about Bush at all. I was in Washington, D.C., and this woman came up to me and she goes, 'Um -- you know, he could be here.' And I said, 'First of all -- no. He's probably on vacation.'
Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, you get it on your shirt.
I'm not the kind of guy who has a huge weight problem, but I am the kind of guy who could really put the brakes on an orgy. Everyone would be like, 'Was he invited? Why is he eating a cake?' I've never been in an orgy. I feel like it'd be like what happens when I try and play pick-up basketball. Like, no one passes me the ball; everyone asks me to keep my shirt on.
Technology's moving so fast, man. It's to the point where you can make stuff up, and people will believe you. You can be like, 'You seen the new Sony Teleporter?' People will be like, 'No, but I heard about it.' I end up saying that all the time -- 'No, but I heard about it.' It means I haven't heard about it, but I like you.
I wanted to be a rapper -- I really did -- and it surprises people because I'm a white bread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur -- 'white bread.' The other day, someone was like, 'What's up, white bread?' And I was like, 'That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup.'
I'm not good at drinking; I just become another person. Like last year, I went out drinking, and I met this girl and she gave me her number, but the next day I didn't even want to call her. I didn't feel like she met me, I felt like she met 'Two-Drink Mike.' It's totally different. Two-Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Zero-Drink Mike enjoys biographies and has serious opinions about wildlife.
Sometimes, when I'm driving, I'll listen to the radio for hours, and I'll listen to Christian rock by mistake. Because it always starts out as like a Bon Jovi ballad, you know? It'll be like, 'I woke up in the morning/And I got myself some oatmeal/And I put some raisins and/Christ is God.'
This is the last card that I found. It's a New Year's card, but this is a little bit of a trick. You gotta watch for the subtlety. It's to my mom, from my dad. So it says, 'Have a Happy New Year.' Watch for the subtlety -- to my mom, from my dad -- 'Dear Mary Jean, This is Vince Birbiglia. This is your husband.' Seein' it? Yeah. And then on the back, I wrote, 'Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye, good-bye,' which is really kind of like a serial killer approach to letter writing.
I feel like there's too many cameras right now. Like, you go to buy something, and everything's also a camera. They'll be like, 'It's also a camera.' And I'm like, 'I just wanted a grapefruit.'
I went to Dunkin' Donuts last week, and the person waiting on me didn't speak any English at all, like, no words. And it's like I'm all for the melting pot theory, but if I lived in Portugal and I worked at Dunkino Donutos, I might pick up a few keywords, you know, like donutos, munchkinos, chocolatto, coverato. The customers would be like, 'Blah, blah, blah, donutos.' And I'd be like, 'Right away, sir.'
This girl offered me E at the club. She's like, 'You gotta do E. It helps you feel the music.' I was like, 'I don't even like this music. I don't really want to take the next step.'
I've got an apartment, and it's a little bigger than my body. And my friend came over to give me advice. He was like, 'You gotta get nice little hand soap for your bathroom because women love that.' I was like, 'Do they also love it when your shower is one foot from your toaster? 'Cause I got that goin' on, too!'
This is a card I sent my sister Gina. I drew a picture on the cover just in case she didn't know what she looked like. In case you guys don't know what she looks like, she has 45 teeth and a rare condition where her nostrils are slightly below her nose, and she's always holding a pennant that says 'Gina.'
I was very fortunate to have an older brother growing up, my brother Joe. I always followed in his footsteps. He wore overalls; I wore overalls. He lit off fireworks in the attic; I was hit by the fireworks, rushed to the emergency room.
I feel like whether you like him or not, Bush seems like a fun guy. Like he's that guy you invite to the bar-b-que 'cause you know he'll start the whiffle ball game.
I was an altar boy when I was a kid -- and the answer is 'no.'
I was on the subway the other day, and the guy next to me was crying over a book. He was actually crying. So, I leaned over -- I go, 'You don't know how to read, either?'
I'm the guitar guy at the party/I'm the guitar guy and I think I'll drink a coke and Bacardi/It might look like I'm just having fun, but I'm actually not, I'm trying to sleep with your girlfriend/Listen to me as I play this song, 'cause I'm gonna play it regardless.
I think the cats were gay 'cause they were always licking each other and spooning in the window and criticizing the way I dress. I don't think it's a biological thing, like they're gay by birth. I think it's an environment thing, like they're 'prison gay.'
I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.
It's weird, the war that we're in right now. I feel bad for the president at this point in the war because it's kind of like when your dad decides he's going to build a deck, but he doesn't know how to build a deck. You're like, 'Well, we love him. We'll give him the benefit of the doubt.' But five years later, there's this pile of duct tape and 2x4's hanging off the back of the house.
I found the antidote to this crazy virus online, and I was able to make it go away. But when I left the house, my parents still insisted on placing the computer in the corner of the house with the screen facing the wall, like the computer had done something wrong.