Max Miller Stand Up Jokes
"I know exactly what you are saying to yourself, you’re wrong, I know what you’re saying. You wicked lot. You’re the sort of people that get me a bad name!"
There were eight women in a boat and one was expecting a happy event. The other seven wanted to help her, but they were all in the same boat.
"My wife's father said if you marry my daughter I'll give you three acres and a cow. I'm still waiting for the three acres."
Have you heard about the girl of eighteen who swallowed a pin, but didn't feel the prick until she was twenty-one?
I was walking along this narrow mountain pass - so narrow that nobody else could pass you, when I saw a beautiful blonde walking towards me. A beautiful blonde with not a stitch on, yes, not a stitch on, lady. Cor blimey, I didn't know whether to toss myself off or block her passage.
"My wife's the ugliest woman in the world - I'd sooner take her with me on tour, than kiss her goodbye."
Adam and Eve in the Garden dwelt,
They were so happy and jolly,
I wonder how they would have felt,
If all the leaves had been Holly!
I like the girls who do,
I like the girls who don't,
I like the girls who say they will,
And then decide they won't.
But the girls I like the most of all,
And I know you'll think I'm right,
Are the girls that say they never will,
But look as though they might!
It's a little girl, she's keeps biting her nails, her mother said "Stop biting your nails, because you know what'll happen to you," said, "What'll happen to me?" she said.
"You won't half get fat - if you bite your nails." She said
"Well I won't bite them any more, Mum"
Her mother took her shopping, got on the bus, and there's a feller sitting in the corner of the bus, weighing about 20 stone. And she said "Mum, I'll get like that won't I"
She said "You'll get worse that that - if you bite your nails" Said, "Well I won't bite them anymore."
And after shopping they get on another bus, and there's a blonde sitting in the corner. She's carrying a bit of weight as well (pregnant). That's what I like about you, you're so quick, you're quick (laughter).
And the kiddie kept looking at the blonde and the blonde kept looking at the kiddie, and the blonde, she couldn't stand it any longer, so she said - to the kiddie, "Do you know me?" and the kiddie said, "No - but I know what you've been doing!"
When roses are red,
They’re ready for plucking.
When a girl is sixteen,
She’s ready for..... ’Ere
There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead;
And when she was good, she was very, very good,
And when she was bad she was very, very popular.
I said to my father. "Dad, I want to get married."
He said: "Alright son, who do you want to marry?"
I said: "I'd like to marry Miss Green."
He said: "You can't"
I said: "Why not?"
He said: "She's your half sister. When I was a lad I had a bike and I got around a bit."
I said: "Alright, I'll marry Miss White"
He said: "You can't, she's your half sister. Forget about it."
Well, I was a bit dispondent and I walked around and my mum said to me: "What's wrong with you?"
I said: Well, I said to Dad I wanted to marry Miss Green and he said I couldn't because she's my half-sister. I said "All right, I'll marry Miss White." He said: "You can't, she's your half sister"
She said: "Look, you go marry which one you like. He's not your father anyway!"