Les Dawson Stand Up Jokes
I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said, 'Why?' I said, 'She keeps waking up.'
I upset the wife's mother the other Guy Fawkes Night. I fell off the fire.
She told me it was her 30th birthday. So I put thirty candles on her cake arranged in the shape of a question mark.
Duck goes into the chemist's shop.
'A tube of lipsol please.'
'Certainly, that will be fifty pence.'
'Put it on my bill, please.'
I spent three weeks pushing a pan scrubber in the baby's face. I want him to get used to kissing his grandmother.
I said to my wife, 'Treasure' - I always call her Treasure, she reminds me of something that's just been dug up.
She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause.
Ours is a football marriage, we keep waiting for the other one to kick off
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
When my mother-in-law stands in the nude she looks like a wall of whitewash. She's so fat she had to lose weight to model maternity frocks.
I don't have to do this for a living, I just do it for the luxuries like bread and shoes.
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
People often ask me: "What's the difference between a northern audience and a southern audience?" Frankly, as far as I'm concerned there's no difference ... they don't laugh at me in the south either.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."
What amazes me is that so many people think showbusiness is glamorous and exciting. Believe me, it's about as glamorous as changing sheets in a bed-wetting clinic.
No laughs hey? I know the act smells, but I'm right on top of it and you don't hear me complain.
Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying my wife's ugly. But she was under the mistletoe at Christmas, waiting for someone to kiss, and she was still there at Lent! In fact, she went to see that film "The Elephant Man," and the audience thought she was making a personal appearance!
My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.
I was lying in bed the other morning playing a lament on my euphonium when the wife, who was prising her teeth out of an apple, looked back at me and said softly, 'Joey.' She calls me Joey because she always wanted a budgie. She said, 'I'm homesick.' I said, 'But precious one, this is your home.' She said, 'I know, and I'm sick of it.'
He drank so heavy, the only thing that grew on his grave were hops.
I'm not saying my mother didn't like me but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
My grandfather made money out of the slave trade .... he sold my grandmother.
A letter came from the bank. I could tell it was from the bank as it was written on a wreath nailed to the front door.
People say to me, 'Cheer up, Lady Luck will smile on you one day.' By the time she smiles on me she won't have any teeth left.
I wouldn't say the room was small but when I talked to myself, one of us had to step outside to reply.
I was in a play on TV once. It was one of those suspense plays. It kept you wondering... what's on the other channels?
There was an old farmer from Greece
Who did terrible things to his geese
But he went too far with a budgerigar
And the parrot phoned the police.
I went to a small guest house. The manager said, 'You want a room with running water? I said, 'What do you think I am? A trout?'
I wouldn't say the house was damp but the kids went to bed with a periscope.
Kids are maturing so much earlier now. Every Sunday I've been taking my six-year-old over to the park to play on the swings and the slides. Last Sunday he refused to go. He said he's too old for that sort of thing. So now I'll have to play on the swings on my own.
I said to the wife, 'I wish you wouldn't smoke in bed.' She said, 'But a lot of women do.' I said, 'Not bacon they don't.'
I'm not saying the wife's ugly, but last christmas she stood under the mistle toe waiting for someone to kiss and she was still there at lent. In fact she went to see that film the Elephant Man and the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.
The wife's Mother said, "When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave." I said: "Good, I'm being buried at sea."
I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussard's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're stock-taking'
I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite. You see the trouble is he's very old fashioned. When he gives you an injection you have to bite on a bullet.
Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.