Groucho Marx Stand Up Jokes
A man's only as old as the woman he feels
Age is not a particularly interesting subject Anyone can get old All you have to do is live long enough
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Blood's not thicker than money
I was married by a judge I should have asked for a jury
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read
Don't point that beard at me, it might go off
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter Someday I intend reading it
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you He really is an idiot
Here's to our wives and girlfriendsmay they never meet!
How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them
I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.
I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints They're upstairs in my socks
I made a killing on Wall Street a few years agoI shot my broker
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along
I must say that I find television very educational The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book
I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member
I wish to be cremated One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract
I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty
I'm not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening But this wasn't it
Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you
I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me
Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce
Marriage is a wonderful institutionbut who wants to live in an institution?
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used to live in whales for a while
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted
Remember men, you are fighting for this lady's honor; which is probably more than she ever did
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Say! You haven't stopped talking since we got here! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!
She got her good looks from her father He's a plastic surgeon
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party
There's only one way to find out if a man is honestask him If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook
There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quitretire!
Those are my principles If you don't like them I have others
Time wounds all heels
Time flies like an arrow Fruit flies like a banana
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed But we're going back next year
Who are you going to believe, me or your lyin' eyes?
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said I was just whispering in her mouth
Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman And behind her stands his wife
Women should be obscene and not heard
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it