Bob Monkhouse Stand Up Jokes
"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian ... They're not laughing now."
"Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional."
"The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time."
"Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?"
"I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance."
"People always say: 'You're a comedian, tell us a joke.' They don't say: 'You're an MP, tell us a lie.'
"What's a geriatric? A German footballer scoring three goals."
"What do gardeners do when they retire?"
"When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?"
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
I got my start in silent radio.
My audience always leave the theatre happy...we give them their money back.
I believe hard work will never hurt you....provided you watch it from a safe distance.
I saw a specialist who asked me: 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?' I said: 'I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas'.
I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
I said to my wife "What's wrong with our kids? They're nothing like me!" She said "No, they take after their father."
Yesterday they held the Most Honest Politican Of The Year contest...and nobody won.
I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn't a bad thing, except for maybe on those long flights.
What do you give a florist who is sick?
I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.
My wife said: 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said: 'Why?' and she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already'.
The Royal Shakespeare Company once did 'Julius Caesar' in New York. When Caesar was stabbed onstage, half the audience left because they didn't want to get involved.
When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
My parents moved to Yorkshire when I was six. I moved when I was ten. It took me that long to track them down.
Cold? I turned on the shower this morning and nearly got stoned to death.
I'm a loyal Tory. I support Mrs Thatcher when she's right...and simply keep quiet the other 95 percent of the time.
On writing jokes for Bob Hope: "Once I was in the bathroom of his hotel suite, attending to nature's call and he knocked loudly and called out: 'There's paper in there, keep writing'."