Accordion Jokes

Q: What is the definition of an optimist?
A: An accordion player with a pager.

Q: What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

Q: What do you call a Native-American girl who plays the accordion?

Q: Why does everyone hate an accordion right off?
A: Saves time.

Q: What do accordion players use as a contraceptive?
A: Their personalities.

Q: Did you hear the joke about polka music?
A: I don't remember how it goes, but the punchline is "the accordion player got hit by a car".

Q: How do you get a million dollars?
A: Start off with 2 million and buy an accordion store.

Q: What's the range of an accordion?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!

Q: What's the first thing an accordion player says when he knocks on your door?
A: "Pizza!"

Why did the accordion player cross the road?......I thought while accelerating.

Q: What's a gentleman?
A: Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.

Q: What's the difference between an accordion and an onion?
A: People cry when you chop up an onion.

Marriage is like playing the accordion. It looks easy until you try it.

Q: What's the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.

Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a concertina?
A: The accordion takes longer to burn.

Q: How do you protect a valuable instrument?
A: Hide it in an accordion case.

Q: What do you call a cow that plays the accordion?
A: A moo-sician

Q: What do you call an accordion player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless

Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a macaw?
A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on an accordion players arm?
A: A tattoo.

Q: What's an accordion good for?
A: Learning how to fold a map.

Q: What do you call twenty accordions at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: What is the perfect weight for an accordion player?
A: 3 and a half pounds including the urn.

Q: Why do musicians leave their accordions on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: What's the difference between an accordion player and god?
A: God doesn't think he's an accordion player.

Q: What do you call a successful accordion player?
A: A guy whose wife has 2 jobs.

Q: What's the difference between an accordion player and garbage?
A: The garbage gets taken out once a week.

Q: What's the definition of an optimist?
A: An accordion player with a mortgage.

Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?
A: A chainsaw can be tuned.

A young child told his mother "When I grow up I'm going to be an accordion player."
His mother responded "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Q: Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

Q: What do all great accordion players have in common?
A: They are all dead.

Q: What does an accordion and a baseball have in common?
A: People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.

A fellow leaves his accordion in his car and leaves it unlocked.
He is two blocks away when he realises this and runs back to lock his car.
When he gets back to his car he finds three more accordions in it!

Doctor's Office
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."

A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"

The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"

The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a musician, I play the accordion."

The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"

Saint Peter
St Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."

"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of accordion players. They called ground control with a list of demands.
Then they told the negotiator if their demands aren't met they will release one accordion player an hour.

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