Australian Jokes

How does every Aussie joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.

What is the Australian animal that most resembles the Australian male?
The wombat, because he eats, roots, and leaves.

Why do so many Australian men suffer premature ejaculation?
Because they have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates what happened!

A Kiwi, an Englishman, and an Australian walk into a bar.
The barman says, "Is this some kind of bloody joke?"

Why did the manager hire the marsupial?
Because he was koala-fied.

What do Australians put in their pockets that Americans throw away?

How many Australian men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a woman's job.

Why do kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because their children play inside.

What is the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral?
One less drunk at the funeral

Why did the wombat cross the road?
To see its flat mate

Why isn't the Australian national football team allowed to own a dog?
Because they can't hold on to a lead.

When is a bear not a bear?
If he doesn't have the right koalifications.

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato!

What did the Australian do after raking the leaves?
He fell out of the tree

Why do Australian football players do so well in math?
They know how to use their heads.

What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.

How do you apologize to a koala?
BEAR your heart and soul.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia?
He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

How does a kangaroo pick his favorite rugby team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.

What does an Australian politican have in common with an Aussie pornstar's mouth?
They're both full of shit.

What kind of music do kangaroos listen to?
Hip Hop

Australians don't have sex, Australians mate.

Religious Australian Cowboy
A devout Australian cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a kangaroo walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the kangaroos mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the kangaroo. "Your name is written inside the cover."

Fishing Buddies
A Kiwi and an Aussie went fishing one afternoon and decided to have a couple of cold beers.

After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

The Kiwi after a great deal of thought, says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."

A Girl In Sydney
Two men in a bar. One says "A girl I met in Sydney gave me a sexually transmitted disease".
His mate replies "you were lucky, in Darwin you would have had to pay for it!"

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