Women Jokes

Q: How do you blind a woman?
A: You put a windshield in front of her.

Q: Why are women like clouds?
A: Eventually they go away and its a nice day.

Q: What is loud and obnoxious?
A: A woman.

A quiet man, is a thinking man.
A quiet woman, is usually mad.

Q: Why is life like a penis?
A: Women make it hard!

Q: Why do women have periods?
A: Because they deserve them.

Q: What do you call a woman without an asshole?

Q: What's the most common sleeping position of a woman?
A: Around.

Q: What do you call a woman with no clitoris?
A: It doesn't matter, she's not going to come.

Q: What did one female firefly say to the other?
A: You glow girl!

Q: Why are men sexier than women?
A: You can't spell sexy without xy.

Q: What book do women like the most?
A: "Their husbands checkbook!"

Q: Did you hear about the woman who couldn't find a singing partner?
A: She had to buy a duet yourself kit

Q: Whats another meaning for a women?
A: Finger puppet

Q: What do girls and noodles have in common?
A: They both wiggle when you eat them.

Q: What do you call a letter from a feminist?
A: Hate male.

Q: What is the definition of eternity?
A: The time that elapses from when you come till she goes.

Q: What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?
A: The widow.

Q: How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
A: She fits into your wife's clothes.

Q: Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips?
A: Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.

Q: What's the difference between a knife and a woman arguing?
A: a knife has a point.

Q: How much money do you need to satisfy a woman?
A: It is always just a little bit more.

Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

Q: What do you call a woman who will gives blowjobs for a pair of Jimmy Choos?
A: Head Over Heels

Q: How is a woman like an airplane?
A: Both have cockpits.

Q: What takes up 12 parking spaces?
A: 6 Women drivers.

Q: Why does Beyonce say to the left to the left to the left and not to the right to the right to the right?
A: Women don't have rights.

Q: Why do women like to have sex with the lights off?
A: They can't stand to see a man have a good time!

Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A: A $100 bill.

Q: What do you give a woman with everything?
A: Penicillin.

Q: What do you call a woman covered in tatoos?
A: Muriel.

Q: What is the difference between a woman and the Sun?
A: The world evolves around the Sun.

Q: How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Let her do the dishes in the dark.

Q: What is woman spelled backwards?
A: Kitchen.

Female Viagra has been around for years......it's called money!

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator is easier to defrost.

Q: What do toys and womens breasts have in common?
A: They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with

Q: What is love?
A: The delusion that one woman differs from another.

Monkeys and girls both are same. they fight only for Banana,
Boys and rats are same they search only holes.

Q: What do you call a girl with Pms and Esp?
A: A bitch who thinks she knows everything.

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't moan when you put meat in it.

Q: What is the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job still sucks.

Q: Why did God create lesbians?
A: So feminists couldn't breed.

Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: Because they don't have balls.

Q: What do you call a woman who loves small dicks?
A: Hopefully your girlfriend.

Q: What do you call a woman that has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.

Q: What do you call a sunburnt girl with a yeast infection?
A: Grilled cheese

Q: What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
A: Women.

Q. Why do women talk so much?
A. Because they have two sets of lips.

Q: What worse than finding out your wife's got cancer?
A: Finding out it's curable.

Q: What's the difference between your bonus and your dick?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.

Q: Why is a female like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.

Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $4.99 a minute.

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, feminists can't change anything.

Q: What do you call a woman who can't make sandwiches?
A: Single.

Q: What do you call a married woman vacuuming?
A: Doing what he's told...

Q: Why did God invent the yeast infection?
A: So women know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What kind of girlfriend does a potato wants?
A: A sweet potato.

Q: What is a vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in.

Q: How is a woman like a road?
A: Both have manholes.

Q: When do women drink alcohol?
A: Wine O'Clock.

Q: Why did God create orgasms?
A: So women can moan even when they're happy.

Q: How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher?
A: When the old one expects you to "do your share"

Q: Why did God make women?
A: You think he's gonna wash the dishes?

Q: What's the difference between Jelly and Jam?
A: You can't jelly a dick down a woman's throat

Q: What do you call a woman with an opinion?
A: Wrong.

Q: What do you call a woman who can't draw?
A: Tracy.

Q: What does fucking a woman and cooking an egg in the microwave have in common?
A: Both end with a loud, annoying sound and a gooey mess to clean up.

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry It!

Q: Why shouldn't you lie to a woman with PMS & GPS?
A: Because she's a bitch & she will find you.

Q: Why do women fake orgasms ?
A: Because they think men care.

Q: What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).
A: The internet, Telephone, Tell a woman

Q: What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man can't?
A: Cum in five different flavours.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Q: What's the smartest thing to ever come out a woman's mouth?
A: Einstein's cock...

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.

Q: A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
A: The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

Q: What do you call a hot Indian girl?
A: Bomb Bae

Q: Why does a man like to see two women kiss each other?
A: Two less mouths that are bitching.

Q: Why can't women drive?
A: Because there's no road between the kitchen and the bedroom

Q: What do you call a Chinese woman with an opinion?
A: Wong

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: Why do Jewish men have to be circumcised?
A: Because a Jewish women wont touch anything unless it's 20% off

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: What do you call the new girl at the bank?
A: The Nutella!

Q: Why do women wear underwear?
A: Because workplace health and safety states 'all manholes must be covered when not in use'!

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q: How do you know when a woman is going to say something intelligent?
A: When her first words are, "A man once told me....."

Why do woman have 3 holes?
Because when they get too drunk,you can carry them home like a 6pak!

Boy: "I named my dog after you"
Girl: ‘Aww because it's cute.'
Boy: "No, because it's a b*tch."

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't, there's a clock on the oven.

Q: What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
A: Lilly.

Q: Why hasn't a female been to the moon ?
A: Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!

Q: When is the the only time that a women is right?
A: When the kitchen isn't left.

Q: What do you call an all women workplace?
A: Unsupervised.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink.

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told.

Q: Why is a bird another word for a young woman?
A: Because women have two cans (toucan).

Q: Why do women wear white on their wedding day?
A: So they will match the stove and fridge!

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore fucks everybody at the party, and a bitch fucks everybody at the party EXCEPT YOU.

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q: Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A: They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q: Do you know why women fake orgasms?
A: Because men fake foreplay.

Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Q: How is a woman like an airplane?
A: Both have cockpits.

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A: A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.

Q: Why can't women read maps?
A: Only the male mind can comprehend the concept of one inch equaling a mile.

Q: Why are women like condoms?
A: They spend 99% of their time in your wallet, and the other 1% on your dick.

Q: Why did God make man first?
A: He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.

Q: Why do women have such small feet?
A: So they can stand closer to the oven.

Q: How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A: They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out.

Q: Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
A: Because it doesn't need cleaning yet.

Q: What do you call a small parent?
A: A minimum!

Q: Why did God give women orgasms?
A: So they've got something else to moan about!

Q: Which is the odd one out: a woman, a microwave or a fridge?
A: The microwave, the other two leak when they're fucked.

Q: What do you call a girl who doesn't give head?
A: You don't!

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A: You come in one and go in the other.

Q: Whats the difference between PMS and Mad Cow Disease?
A: One attacks the cow's brain and sends it fucking mental, the other is an agricultural problem.

Q: How do you know that beer contains female hormones?
A: Drink two or three, and you cannot drive properly anymore and start talking bullshit.

Q: What do toy railways and boobs have in common?
A: Both are made for children but it's the fathers who play with them most.

Q: Why can't you trust a woman?
A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die?

Q: Why do most men die before their wives?
A: They want to!

Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?
A: Wedding Cake!

Q: What do you call a woman who raps about women's rights?
A: Feminem

Q: What did the doctor say when a baby was born holding a Starbucks latte?
A: "Its a white girl."

Q: What is the difference between a Feminist and a Dog?
A: You tell me!

Q: Why is a women's cum more valuable than that of a man?
A: It's more often handmade.

Q: How are women and rocks alike?
A: You skip the flat ones!

Q: Why do women stop bleeding when entering menopause?
A: Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins.

Q: What is the difference between a cheap hooker and an elephant?
A: One rolls on its back for peanuts and the other one lives in a zoo.

Q: What s worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A: A woman who won't do as she's told.

Q: Why don't women wear watches?
A: There's a clock on the stove.

Q: How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower?
A: Give the bitch a shovel

Q: What is the difference between a Woman and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it! 

Q: How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
A: She has her tampon behind her ear, and she can't find her cigarette.

Q: Why are wives like condoms?
A: They both spend too much time in your wallet, and not enough time on the end of your dick.

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

Q: How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner?
A: Why the hell should we fix it? We don't use the damn thing.

Q: Why don't they let women play baseball?
A: Pitches Be Crazy.

Q: Why do women love orgasms?
A: Because it gives them another reason to moan!

Q: What is a womans favorite rap song?
A: Estrogen and juice.

Q: What is a wife?
A: An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Q: Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
A: Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . "He-brews"

Q: How are women like parking spaces?
A: The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

Q: Why do women have tits?
A: So men will talk to them.

Q: What's the first thing a woman does after coming out of the abuse shelter?
A: Cook dinner if she knows what's good for her.

Q: What's the difference between a Woman with PMS and a Pit Bull?
A: Lipstick 

Q: What do girls and camels have in common?
A: They both have camel toes.

Q: What does a woman put behind her ears to make herself more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A: They can't stand to see a man having a good time.

Q: What did scooby doo say to the lady with the leaky tampon?
A: Row row raggy.

Q: Why is our salary like a women's period?
A: It comes once in a month ,lasts only for four or five days and if any month it does not come it means your fucked.

Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Q: Why did God create the orgasm?
A: So women can moan even when they're happy.

Q: Who is Eminem's girlfriend?
A: The Real Slim Lady.

Q: Do you know why God gave women two sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan all at the same time.

Q: What's better than winning the WNBA championship?
A: Being able to pee standing up.

Q: What is the difference between Feminists and Shit?
A: Feminists ain't shit!

Q: How is looking at a Feminist like looking into a Black Void?
A: There's nothing there.

Q: What do you call a woman with 4 legs?
A: Doggy Style.

Q: What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
A: Eileen

Q: What's the difference between a dog barking in the back yard and a woman yelling on the front porch?
A: When you let them in, the dog shuts up.

Q: Why are splinters better than women?
A: Splinters are a pain, but they will eventually go away.

Q: Where does a woman with one leg work?

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

I like my women like I like my chicken.
Moist/Tender/Juicy/Fingerlicking Good.

Why are women so irritable?
Because men are so irritating.

Women are like orange juice cartons,
It's not the shape or size or even how sweet the juice is,
It's getting thoses fuckin flaps open

Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares - what was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?

What does the woman who just got out of an abusive relationship do?
It better be the damn dishes!

A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.

Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri "What do women want?" She has been talking nonstop for the last two damn days.

Women on their periods always ovary act.

Men: Bros before Hoes.
Women: Sisters before Misters.

Kissing a girl on the cheek(good)
kissing girl in the mouth (awesome)
Kissing girl in front of her ex (boss)

What is the difference between good girl and a bad girl?
The good girl, goes out, goes home and goes to bed.
The bad girl, goes out, goes to bed and then goes home.

A jealous girlfriend is a faithful girlfriend. If she doesnt get jealous when someone has your attention, it's because someone has hers

Skinny = anorexic , thick = obese , virgin = too good , non-virgin = slut , friendly = fake , quiet = rude. Society can never be pleased!

Women drivers are like stars in the sky. You can see them, but they can't see you

If women are bad at parallel parking, it's only because we've been constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.

Girls are like blackjack, I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 16.

If Lady Gaga is all about being "Born This Way", why does she try so hard to be different?

Women are like blue jeans. They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced..

Even if women came with directions, we still wouldn't read them.

The world thinnest book has only one word written in it : EVERYTHING. The book title is : WHAT WOMAN WANT.

Starbucks or Victoria Secrets?.....Who charges more per cup?

Why do men love their TVs more than their women; They can turn a Tv off with just a click.

Every girl is a ninja...It shows when someone touches her phone or her boyfriend.

I met a cute girl buying tampons, so I asked her if I could take her out in 5 to 7 days.

I'm no gynecologist but I know a cunt when I see one.

Confucius say,"Man who date Dynamite women get Big Bang out of her"!

"I Love My Wife" bumper stickers are strictly for men who were caught cheating.

Where does a female pilot sit?

This woman said she recognised me from vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

Women fall in love with what they hear, men fall in love with what they can see, that's why women wear make up and men lie.

Women are like iPhones! You have to touch them all over before they respond.....Men are like Blackberry! Rub one ball and everything moves!

Achievement seems to be connected with action. Successful men and women keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don't quit.

Women find men more attractive when they notice other women looking at him.

If men can't focus on two things at once, then why do women have boobs?

If all men are the same, then why does it take a women so long to choose.

The first ten years of a girls life is spent playing with barbies. The next ten years is spent trying to look like one.

Men cheat on good women with bad women. Women choose bad men over good men. The circle of life.

Women fake orgasms to have relationships. Men fake relationships to have orgasms.

Teach a man to fish and can feed a family. Try to teach a woman to fish and she'll be like "You're doing it wrong."

Girls want attention. Women want respect.

I remember when Barbie was the only girl made of plastic.

All guys should like girls with big thighs. (Why?) because when they're eating her out, they always have something to keep their cheeks warm.

The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.

Why do single women take advice from other single women? That's like Stevie Wonder teaching Ray Charles how to drive.

Women don't know what they want, Men never know what they have.

I'd like to give a shout out to all the women who don't need to dress half naked to get a man's attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.

Women are like cats. They always run away when I try to hold them.

A girl in our gang was called spanner. One look from her would tighten your nuts, her mate was called meteorologist, you could look in her eyes and tell the weather.

I'm looking forward to Alzheimer's, cause I'll go to bed with a different woman every night.

Women can bleed for 7 days without dying, Produce milk without eating grass, and bury a bone without digging a hole.

My girlfriend asked me to see things from a woman's point of view...so I looked out the kitchen window.

A gun is just like a woman, it's all about how you hold her.

Women who strive to be equal to men lack ambition.

I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm but she said that she doesn't like to call me at work.

I love strong, powerful women. They can open jars without my help.

Some girls like gold. I prefer the ones that like to pump iron.

Dont mess with Texas. Definitely don't mess with Texas women.

So you call me a bitch? Well a bitch is a dog. Dogs bark. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. And nature is beautiful ......so yeah....thanks for the compliment.

90% of women like men in pink T-Shirt. But ironically, 90% of men in pink T-Shirts don't like women.

Women are like wolves. If you want one, you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it.

Girls love bad boys. Women love good men.

Confucius says, " Women who sit on judges lap, get honorable discharge".

Treat a woman like a queen and she'll treat you like the king you are. Treat her like a game and she'll show you how it's played.

Gossiping has positive effects on women, it elevates levels of progesterone, a hormone that reduces stress and feels good.

God invented high-heels so women could put dishes away on the top shelf.

Whoever said "women are a dime a dozen" didn't know about the deals you can get on Groupon.

Intelligent women want to be complimented on their intellect. But let's be real, they wanna be skinny bitches, too.

When in doubt, I always ask, "What Would Beyonce Do?" (WWBD)

A woman went into a bathroom to wash her hands. Another lady next to her was drying her hands.
The first woman cupped her hands together and as the water spilled through, she said "This is getting out of hand."

Your clothes should be tight enough to show you're a woman but loose enough to show you're a lady. - Marilyn Monroe.

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