Wine Jokes
What is a woman's idea of a balanced diet?
A glass of wine in each hand!
You know what's fun about being sober?
Nothing.
When do women drink alcohol?
Wine O'Clock.
What did the grape say when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
How can you find the girl who drank an entire bottle of merlot?
She's the one dancing like a stripper!
How do you know a man is really really gay?
When he's nursing a glass of pinot grigio!
What's the cure for marriage?
Answer: Alcoholism.
What do you call a woman with a glass of wine on her head?
A taxi. Clearly, she's had too much liquor and is being a nuisance.
A bee goes into a bar,
It comes out 2 hours later buzzing
What is a womans idea of a romantic night?
Netflix and Chilled wine.
Can you drink alcohol for breakfast?
Wine not?
Girl: "I love you so much, I could never live without you."
Boy: "Is that you or the wine talking?"
Girl: "It's me talking to the wine."
Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches.
When you can't get the straw in the hole you've had enough.
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with?
Sushi!
Have you seen the improv comedy show about drunk women?
It's called "Whose Wine Is It Anyway?"
What do you call a redneck that is a wine connoisseur?
2 Buck Chuck.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man?
A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Women are like fine wine. They get more expensive with age!
Some things are better left unsaid, but I'll probably drink a glass of wine and say them anyways.
I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a glass of wine, but I already have one.
I drink wine because I don't like to keep things bottled up.
As long as there is wine, there is hope.
In the wine there is wisdom, in beer there is strength, in the water there are bacteria.
Money can't buy happiness. Just kidding yes it can, if that money is used to buy merlot.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A guy offers a girl a glass of wine, but the girl says wine is bad for her legs,
The guy ask "Do they swell?"
The girl replies "No they spread"
I'm not saying my mom was a wino, but they needed a corkscrew to take her blood at the hospital.
Wino
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"
The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
Drunk Driving
It seems a lady had too much wine at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper.
Upon being tested, the girl couldn't walk a straight line any more than she could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.
The inebriated woman, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to her, drove home and went to bed.
She was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. "Are you Ms. Johnson?" they asked?
She admitted that she was. "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?"
Again, the woman admitted that was she. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked."
The woman replied that she drove his car home and went to bed.
"Where is your car now?" the troopers inquired.
The woman answered that it was in the garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the troopers.
The woman answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.
Inside the garage was the state troopers car.