Gambling Jokes

Q: What did the dealer say to the deck of cards?
A: "I can't deal with you anymore."

Q: What do craps dealers eat for dessert?
A: Dice pudding.

Q: How's a casino like a good woman?
A: Liquor in the front, poker in the back!

Q: What's the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?
A: In a casino, you really mean it!

Q: How can you tell if a poker player is bluffing?
A: His chips are moving.

Q: When is the only time you split tens in BlackJack?
A: When the table is full and your buddies need a seat.

Q: What kind of shark is always gambling?
A: A CardShark

Q: Why isn't gambling allowed in Africa?
A: Because of all the cheetahs

Q: What does a gambling addict eat?
A: Poker Chips and Salsa.

Q: How were Adam and Eve prevented from gambling?
A: Their paradise (pair-o-dice) was taken away from them!

Q: What does a BlackJack player eat for dinner?
A: Whatever his comp card allows him to.

Q: Whats the difference between poker players and politicans?
A: Politicans tell the truth.

Q: Whats the difference between online poker and live poker?
A: You can cry after a bad beat online and no one will laugh at you.

Q: What's the difference between a poker player and a dog?
A: In about ten years, the dog quits whining.

Q: What did a blonde from England bring a bag of french fries to a poker game?
A: Someone told her to bring her own chips.

Q: What card game do lesbians play?
A: Poke-her

Q: What do vampires play poker for?
A: High Stakes!

Q: Why are most gamblers married?
A: Because marriage is a gamble.

Q: What's the hardest thing about play mini baccarat?
A: Telling your parents your gay!

Q: How do you get a professional poker player off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the Pizza.

One Liners
Love is gambling, not with money but with your heart. You can always get money back, but you might not get your heart back.

If it weren't for the drug use, degenerate gambling, and drinking I would be a great catch.

Chuck-E-Cheese, because it's never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling...

I can support my gambling habit without a job, but I want one so I can support it even more.

Girls are like blackjack, I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 16.

I found a way to keep my husband from gambling. I just spend the money first.

The best throw of the dice is to throw them away.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

What you get out of life is what your willing to put into it, unless that something is a slot machine.

Viva Las Vegas? More like Viva Lost Wages!

It's alright to root for the underdog, but just don't bet on him.

A dog is man's best friend, especially after you lose money on a horse.

Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards.

My cat quit playing poker with the big cats at the zoo....seems he discovered there were just too many cheetahs.

If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.

Gambling Quotes

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright

Poker is like sex - everyone thinks they're the best, but most people don't have a clue what they're doing.
Dutch Boyd

If you're playing a poker game and look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you
Paul Newman.

When a man with money meets a man with experience, the man with experience leaves with money and the man with money leaves with experience.

Trust everyone, but always cut the cards.
Benny Binion

Vegas Wives
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11" all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy says "I know what you old lady played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers "hit me light or hit me hard", and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an a$$ full of quarters."

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won a million dollar slot machine jackpot!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

Poker Game
There once was a woman who plays poker once a month with a group of female coworkers who was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 1:00 am.
One night she decided to try not to wake him.
She undressed in the living room and, put her purse over her shoulder, and tiptoed nude into the bedroom, but was surprised to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.
"Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"

Asian Casino
"My husband's going to a casino in central Asia.
"Of course, why else would he go!"

Dog Poker
A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiousity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog.

Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing.

However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!"

The player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Vegas Trick
A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags.
"Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband.
"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 for a blowjob and I do it for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags.
"What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"

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