Dildo Jokes
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
Before buying a dildo you should think long and hard.
Q: What do a dildo and tofu have in common?
A: They are both meat substitutes.
Q: How do you break the nose on a blonde?
A: You put a dildo under a glass table!
Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me!
Q: What's the difference between a New York Yankees fan and a Vibrator?
A: A New York Yankees fan is a real dick!
Q: What do you get if you cross Bananarama with a Vibrator?
A: Wet, Wet, Wet
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator?
A: By her chipped tooth.
What does a woman say when her vibrator's battery dies right before she climaxes?
What a buzzkill!
Q: How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
A: She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.
Q: What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
A: Toys for Twats
Married for 20 Years
There was a couple who were married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid.
She figured she would break him of the crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo.
She gets completely upset, and screams, "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, "I'll explain the dildo if you can explain our three kids."
Sex Toy Shop
One day this guy comes to work at a sex toy shop. His boss leaves for the day and puts him in charge of the shop.
About an hour later a black haired lady comes in and asks "How much for your black dildos?"
The guy says "30 bucks"
"And how much for your white dildos?" asks the lady.
Again the man says "30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white"
So she takes the black one and leaves.
A while later a brunette comes in to the store and asks "How much for your white dildos?"
The man responds "30 bucks"
She asks "And how much for your black dildos?"
"30 bucks for the white and 30 bucks for the black" replies the man.
So she takes the white one leaves.
About an hour later a blonde walks through the door and asks "How much are your dildos?"
The guys says "All our dildos are 30 bucks"
Then she looks up behind the man on a shelf and ask "How much for that green one?"
The man responds "Oh, that one is special. That will cost you $250"
The blonde agrees and takes it.
Later that day the boss come back and asks "So what did you sell today?"
The man says "I sold a black dildo, a white dildo , and a 2-liter of mountain dew for $250!"
Drunk
An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian waiting for her date. The drunk just won't take no for an answer.
"Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my dildo can't!" the lesbian smirks.
The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment. "Okay, let's see your dildo buy the next round of drinks!"
Rich & Poor
A rich man and a poor man are both buying anniversary gifts for their girlfriends.
"What are you getting your girlfriend?" asks the poor man.
And the rich man says "I'm getting her a diamond ring and a Marcedes."
"Why both?" asks the poor man.
And the rich man says "That way if she doesn't like the ring she can still enjoy the Marcedes when she returns the ring."
And then the rich man asks the poor man "What are you getting your girlfriend?"
And the poor man says "I'm buying her a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."
Magic Purple Dildo
A girl walks into a bar, and goes up to the bartender and complains about ex-boyfriend and how she will never get laid again.
The bartender looks at her and reaches under the counter and pulls out a purple dildo.
He tells her that the dildo is a Magic Dildo. "This is a magic purple dildo you just say the words 'Magic Purple Dildo' and where you want it to go".
She listens to him and is intrigued.
Two Hours later her ex-boyfriend walks into the bar, and sees his ex-girlfriend running around with the dildo following him.
She finally yells out "HELP! HELP! HELP! A MAGIC PURPLE DILDO IS FOLLOWING ME!"
He goes, "(Scoffs) yeah right, Magic Purple Dildo My Ass"