West Ham United Jokes

Q: What do you call 100 West Ham United supporters at the bottom of a cliff?
A: A good start!

Q: Why are West Ham hooligans short little hobbits?
A: Because you can only find them on "Green Street".

Q: What do you call a dead Hammers Fan in a closet?
A: Last years winner of the hide and seek contest.

Q: What's the main difference between a Hammers supporter and garbage?
A: Garbage gets taken out once a week.

Q: What do you say to a West Ham United supporter with a good looking bird on his arm?
A: Nice tattoo

Q: What's the difference between West Ham supporters and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What do you call an West Ham United fan that does well on an IQ test?
A: A cheat.

Q: You're trapped in a room with a Lion, Cobra snake and an West Ham supporter. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the West Ham supporter Twice.

Q: What is the difference between West Ham and a cup of tea?
A: The tea stays in the cup longer!

Q: What do you call a Hammers supporter in a suit?
A: The accused.

Q: Why did God make West Ham United supporters smelly?
A: So blind people could laugh at them too!

Q: Why don't they drink tea at Upton Park?
A: Because all the cups are in Manchester.

Q: Why do West Ham blokes drink from a saucer?
A: Because the cup's always in Manchester!

Q: What's the difference between Frequent Flyer Miles and West Ham United?
A: Frequent Flyer Miles earn points.

Q: What do you call 5 Hammers supporters standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: Why are West Ham strikers like grizzly bears?
A: Every fall they go into hibernation.

Q: What's the difference between a line of cocaine and a pair of West Ham United tickets?
A: People would pass up a pair of West Ham United tickets.

Q: What's the difference between a fat chick and a West Ham striker?
A: Even a fat chick scores every once in a while!

Q: Why do Hammers supporters suck at geometry?
A: Because they never have any points.

Q: What does a fine wine and West Ham United have in common?
A: They both spend a lot of time in the cellar, cost too much and are only enjoyed on select occasions.

Q: Why do people like driving a car with a Hammers supporter?
A: Because you can park in the handicap zone!

Q: Whats the difference between West Ham United and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito stops sucking.

Q: What is the difference between an West Ham United supporter and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.

Q: What do I have in common with West Ham United?
A: Next week, we'll both be watching the Champions League final on television.

Q: What is the difference between a bucket of shit and a West Ham United fan?
A: The bucket.

Q: How do you casterate an West Ham United supporter?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth

Q: What does a Hammers supporter do when his team has won the Champions League?
A: He turns off the PlayStation.

Q: What does an West Ham United supporter and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: How do you keep an West Ham United fan from masterbating?
A: You paint cockerels on his dick and he won't beat it for 4 years!

Q. Why do ducks fly over Olympic Stadium upside down?
A. There's nothing worth craping on!

Q: Did you hear that West Ham United doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.

Q: How do you stop a West Ham supporter from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in a Tottenham jersey!

Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So West Ham United supporters can get laid too.

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask a Hammers supporter!

Q: What's the difference between onions and a West Ham supporter?
A: I cry when I cut up onions...

Q: What's the difference between West Ham supporters and mosquitoes?
A: Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.

Q: Why are West Ham United jokes getting dumb and dumber?
A: Because Hammers supporters have started to make them up themselves.

Q: What is the shortest book in the world called?
A: Intelligent West Ham United supporters.

Not even Thor, can lift the Hammers to the top of the Premier League.

Katy Perry might have been hammered by Russell Brand, but now she's United with Orlando Bloom.

I set my XBOX password to "West Ham Uniteds Defense". It said it was to weak.

West Ham get so knackered, MC Hammer changed his song to "It's Hotspur time".

When Miley Cyrus strips and licks a hammer its "Art". When I strip and lick a hammer, I'm called a tosser and get kicked out of Olympic Stadium.

Career Day
It's career day in primary school where each student talks about what their dad does. Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad. Johnny comes to the front of the class.
'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sexual acts on them.'
The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class. She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad.
Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he played for the Hammers.'

Reckless Driver
A Tottenham fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Hammers supporter he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious West Ham jersey. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.
One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.
"Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.
Suddenly, the driver saw an West Ham supporter walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time.
Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything.
He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "sorry Father, I almost hit that West Ham supporter."
"That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."

A Primary school teacher explains to her class that she is an West Ham supporter. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were West Ham supporters, too.
Not really knowing what a West Ham supporter was, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Mary has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not an West Ham fan."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"Why I'm proud to be a Tottenham supporter.", boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Mary why she is a Tottenham supporter.
"Well, My Dad and Mom are Tottenham supporters, and I'm a Tottenham fan, too!"
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron, What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Mary, "I'd be a West Ham supporter."

Andy Carroll
Andy Carroll walks into a sperm donor bank in London...
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Andy "You should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call your wife for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Andy. The receptionist replies
"Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."

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