Swimming Jokes

Q: Why do squirrels swim on there back?
A: To keep their nuts dry!

Q: Why is swimming like sex?
A: When it's good, it's really, really good. And when it's bad.....it's still pretty good.

Q: What kind of stroke can you use on toast?
A: BUTTER-fly!

Q: Why did the blonde keep doing the backstroke?
A: She just had lunch and didn't want to swim on a full stomach.

Q: Why did the teacher jump into the water?
A: She wanted to test the water!

Q: Why did the vegetarians stop swimming?
A: They didn't like meets!

Q: What word looks the same backwards and upside down?
A: Swims

Q: What's the hardest thing about wearing a speedo?
A: Telling your parents that your gay!

Q: How do swimmers clean themselves?
A: They wash up on shore!

Q: Why wasn't the blonde afraid when she saw a shark while she was swimming in the water?
A: Because it was a man-eating shark!

Q: Why did the girl have problems swimming?
A: She didn't have boy-ancy! (Buoyancy)

Q: Why can male elephants swim whenever they want?
A: They always have trunks with them!

Q: What race is never run?
A: A swimming race.

Q: What kind of fish can't swim?
A: A dead one.

Q: What is a polar bear's favorite stroke?
A: Blubber-fly!

Q: What do you call a competitive swimmer who just broke up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless

Q: What detergent do swimmers use to wash their wet suit?
A: Tide!

Q: Did you hear about the slow swimmer?
A: He could only do the crawl.

Q: What do you call a swim team made up of blondes?
A: Hydrogens.

Q: Where do ghosts like to go swimming?
A: Lake Eerie

Q: Where do zombies like to go swimming?
A: The Dead Sea

Q: What kind of swimmer makes a good gardener?
A: One with great seed times!

Q: What do a dentist and a swim coach have in common?
A: They both use drills!

Q: What kind of exercises are best for a swimmer?
A: Pool-ups!

Q. In which direction does a chicken swim?
A. Cluck-wise!

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a scratch-n-sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool.

Q: Why should you never swim on a full stomach?
A: Because it's easier to swim in water!

Q: What kind of dive are infantry men best at?
A: Cannon-ball

Q: How do people swimming in the ocean say HI to each other?
A: They Wave!

Q: Why can't elephants go swimming?
A: Because they always lose their trunks!

Q: What stroke do sheep enjoy doing?
A: The baaaackstroke!

Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.

Q: What did the blonde write on the bottom of her swimming pool?
A: No smoking!

Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: How do you know if your swimming pool needs cleaning?
A: Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first.

A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke.
That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke...

Swimming in the swimming pool
Is where I like to "B"
Wearing underwater goggles
So that I can "C"
Yesterday, before I swam
I took a cup of "T"
Now the swimming pool had become a swimming ool
Because I took a "P"

Funny Swimming Pool Signs

"Welcome to our _OOL, Notice there is no "P" in it. We'd like you to keep it that way".

"We don't swim in your toilet, please don't pee in our pool."


Bill Gates decided to hold a contest for the lawyers. Whoever wins gets to handle all of Microsoft's business. The day of the event, the Gates' estate is swamped with lawyers, all eager for the nod from the richest man in the world.

"Gentlemen," Gates starts, "please follow me." He leads them to an enormous swimming pool filled with piranha. Then he snaps his fingers. With that, a servant opens the door. A cow rushes out and stumbles into the pool. In no time at all, the cow is nothing but bones.

Gates says, "Any man who can swim the length of that pool shall represent me in all my business and personal dealings."

Instantly, a lawyer named Carl pitches into the water. Furiously he swims across the pool, hauls himself out and stands there panting."

"Bravo!" shouts Gates. "You have proven to me how much you want my business."

"Actually, I want just one thing." Carl gasps.

"What's that?"

"The name of the bastard that pushed me in."


A child is in the process of drowning.
"Help! I need a lifesaver! I'm gonna drown!" hollered the child.
The blonde lifeguard came up to the child and asked, "Sure, what flavor?"

Deserted Island
A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."!
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been ten years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: "Oh thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Oh. Thank you so much. You are like a miracle"!
Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, have you been bored?"
The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a surfboard in there too?"

Row Row Your Boat
A blonde is driving along a deserted country road with fields on either side.
She looks out the window and sees another blonde in the middle of a field, in a rowboat, rowing and rowing.
She stops the car, rolls down the window and yells, "You know it's blondes like you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name!"
Getting no reaction from the blonde in the rowboat, she screams, "If I could swim I'd come out there and punch you out!"

Kicked Out
Paul comes home from swimming.
He says to his mum "I got kicked out."
His mum asks "Why?"
"Because I weed in the pool."
His mum says "Everybody does that."
Paul says "But not from the 10 meter board."

Bartender Says
A man swims into a bar...
Bartender says "hey, whats with the turd on your head?"
The guy says, "Hell, that's no turd, its a FEMA CARE Package!"

Swimming Facts

Titanic was the first ocean liner to have a swimming pool and a gym.

Elephants are capable of swimming twenty miles a day. They use their trunks as natural snorkles.

African Black-footed penguins, although they cannot fly, can swim up to 25 miles per hour which is faster than the Atlantic Bottlenosed dolphin, which can attain speeds of 18-23 mph.

If you have blonde hair that goes greenish from swimming pool chlorine, you put ketchup on it and it balances the pigments out.

Sharks gills can't take in water by themselves. This means that sharks have a hard time sleeping or stop swimming.

It is illegal to swim in Central Park, New York City.

Turtles possess the ability to absorb oxygen directly from the water in which they swim.

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