Soccer Jokes

Q: What do you get if you see a Germany fan buried up to his neck in sand?
A: More sand

Q: Name three football clubs that contain swear words?
A: Arsenal, Scunthorpe and F*****g Man Utd.

Q: What's the difference between England and an albatross?
A: An albatross has got two decent wings.

Q: What is the difference between Portugal and the bermuda triangle?
A: The bermuda triangle has three points.

Everyone told the Mexican National team that they can't beat Germany in the World Cup.
Apparently they didn't get the Memo.

Q: Why do midgets always laugh when playing futbol?
A: The grass tickles their balls!

Q: What does a Cristiano Ronaldo and a magician have in common?
A: Both do hat tricks.

Girl: What jersey should I buy?
Guy: Buy a goalie's jersey!
Girl: Why?
Guy: So I can tell people my girlfriend's a keeper.

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and England striker Raheem Sterling?
A: Clinton can score.

Q: Which football team uses the most toilet paper?
A: Arsenal.

Q: Why did Cinderella get kicked off the Football team?
A: Because she Kept running away from the ball.

¿Por qué Messi no bautiza a sus hijos?
Porque se volverían Cristianos.

Q: How did the futbol pitch get all wet?
A: The players dribbled all over it.

Q: What's the difference between the England team and a tea-bag?
A: The tea-bag stays in the cup longer.

Q: How do you make a Mexico futbol fan run?
A: Build a job center.

Q: Did you hear about the soccer player who lived passed a 100?
A: He's still alive and kicking.

Q: Why are the dirty kids so good at soccer?
A: Because they are Messi.

Q: What football club do sheep's like?
A: Baaaaaaaaa-rcelona.

Q: Why did the footballer kick the grass?
A: Because it was being a pitch

Q: Why do Hearts fans plant potatoes round the edge of Tynecastle?
A: So they have Something to lift at the end of the season.

Q: Why does the soccer ball curse so much?
A: Because he gets a kick out of it.

Q: Why don't Indians play futbol?
A: Because every time they get a corner they open up a shop.

Q: What happens when the opposition cross the halfway line against Saudi Arabia?
A: They score.

Q: Why do soccer players have so much trouble eating Indian food?
A: They think they can't use they're hands.

Q: What does a soccer player say on Halloween?
A: Hat Trick or Treat!

Q: Why did the soccer ball say owwwwww?
A: Because the man kicked him

Q: What tea do footballers drink?
A. PenalTea!

Apparantly, Blackburn football club is under investigation by the Inland Revenue for tax evasion.
- they've been claiming for Silver Polish for the past 30 years.

Q: What's the difference between an French futbol fan and a supermarket trolley?
A: The trolley has a mind of it's own.

Q: What did Ronaldo sing to Messi.
A: When your playing a bunch of sports and your sweating through your shorts drink gatorade.

Q: How many Manchester City soccer fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.

A Derby County and Middlesborough fan are strolling along Duke Street and suddenly the Middlesborough supporter says "Woooh! would ya look at that dead bird!". The Derby County fan looks skywards and says "huh, Where?

Q: How many French Nationals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you like, but they'll never see the light.

Q: What do you call a Nigerian futbol fan with an IQ of 10?
A: Supremely gifted!

Girl: I'll be right back.
Boy: I'll be centre foward.

Q: Why are soccer players excellent at math?
A: They know how to use their heads.

Q: How do you change a Poland supporters mind?
A: Blow in his ear!

Q: How can you tell ET is an Algerian fan?
A: Because he looks like one.

Unsubstantiated reports seem to suggest that Chelsea will be releasing a new record at the end of the month, "I'm forever blowing Doubles"!

Q: What would you get if Newcastle were relegated?
A: 45,000 more Chelsea fans

Q. Why doesn't Pakistan have an international football team?
A. Because each time they get a corner, they open a shop.

Q: Why can't you play soccer in the jungle?
A: Because there are too many cheetahs.

Q: Why is a bad futbol team like an old bra?
A: No cups and little support.

Q: How do athletes stay cool during a game?
A: They stand near the fans!

Q: Why don't you not play soccer in the jungle?
A: There are too many cheetahs!

Q: What lights up a football pitch at night?
A: a football match.

Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.

Q: What's the difference between a Liverpool fan and a broken clock?
A: Even a broken clock is right twice a day!

Q: What do you call 23 millionaires around a TV watching the World Cup final?
A: The Argentina national team.

Q: What's the difference between a Hibernian fan and a coconut?
A: You can get a drink out of a coconut!

Q. Why did the soccer player bring string to the game?
A: So she could tie the score

Q: Why did the soccer ball quit the team?
A: He was tired of being kicked around.

A blonde woman had a three-way with Pepe and Messi.
9 months later she had a baby boy but didn't know who the father was so she named him Pepsi.

They say that pessimists see the cup as half empty, and optimists as half full
The Belgians haven't even seen the cup!

Wayne Rooney: 'I've just had a good idea for strengthening the team.'
Manager: `Good! When are you leaving?'

`I hear you're from Liverpool. Does your town boast a football team?'
'We have a team, yes, but it's nothing to boast about.'

Football players are the only people who can dribble and still look neat.

If you paint a Costa Rican flag on a fish it will never find the net.

Rafael Benitez was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her shopping.

He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" to which the old lady replied, "no way you got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!" 

Soccer Pick Up Lines

Guy: Wanna go out?
Girl: I have a boyfriend.
Guy: It's just like soccer, just because theres a goalie doesnt mean you cant score.

Hey, did ya know I'm part of a soccer team? (Really?) Yeah, hopefully I score tonight.

Girl, can I get your Jersey? (What?) You know your name a number?

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