Q: What do Oksana Bayul and Tonya Harding have in common?
A: Both beat Nancy Kerrigan.
Q: How is music like ice skating?
A: If you don't "C sharp" you'll "B flat."
Q: How do you get a complex ice pair number?
A: Find a real figure skater and pair him with Surya Bonaly!
Q: How do you know if your a figure skater?
A: Upon hearing a song, you map out the choreography in your head.
Q: What's in the Nancy Kerrigan special at KFC?
A: Two small breasts & a battered thigh.
Q: What does Nancy Kerrigan do after a hard practice?
A: She gets some brews.
Q: What do Nancy Kerrigan and Britney Spears have in common?
A: Both sucked as actresses.
Q: What is Tonya Harding's favorite book?
A: Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee.
Q: Why did they let Jeff Gillooly and Tonya Harding sing the National Anthem at the Olympics?
A: They have a good set of pipes.
Q: What's the hardest part about being a male figure skater?
A: Telling your parents that you're gay.
Q: Why shouldn't you tell jokes while ice skating?
A: Because the ice might crack up!
Q: What do you call a male figure skater who just broke up with his girlfriend?
Q: What do a dentist and a figure skating coach have in common?
A: They both use drills!
It is the Olympic men's figure skating.
Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.7: Ireland 6.0
Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.7: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0
The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, "How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!"
To which the Irish judge replies "You've gotta remember, it's damn slippery out there."
"This week 15-year-old gold medalist Tara Lipinski made a lot of news.
She is now going to be advertising a figure skating Barbie doll.
This will be the first Barbie ad where under the spokesperson's picture it says 'actual size."
(From: Conan O'Brien 3/4/98)