Running Jokes
Q: How do crazy runners go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: Why was the blonde jogging backwards?
A: She wanted to gain weight!
Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Q: What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers?
A: A virgin.
Q: How do you know when you've married a running enthusiast?
A: When you have more running clothes than regular clothes in your laundry pile.
Q: Who is the fastest runner of all time?
A: Adam, because he came first in the human race!
Q: What do sprinters eat before a race?
A: Nothing, they fast.
Q: If twenty monkeys run after one banana, what time is it?
A: Twenty after one!
Q: What do you get when you run in front of a car?
A: TIRED
Q: What do you call a free treadmill?
A: Outside.
Q: What do you get when you run behind a car?
A: EXHAUSTED
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run! She's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have a competitive Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the United States
Q: Why did the chicken run across the road?
A: There was a car coming.
Q: Why can't you let a jogger be a potential juror?
A: Because you'll have a runaway jury.
Q. What's the difference between the Arizona Cardinals & the Taliban?
A. The Taliban has a running game.
Q: Why do dogs run in circles?
A: Because its hard to run in squares!
Q: If I cut Usain Bolt what am I?
A: A boltcutter.
Q: How do you know your a dedicated runner?
A: When your treadmill has more miles on it than your car.
Q: Why do runners go jogging early in the morning?
A: They want to finish before their brain figures out what they're doing.
Q: If runners get athlete's foot what do astronauts get?
A: Mistletoe?
Q: Why did the vegetarians stop running cross country?
A: They didn't like meets!
Q: What kind of jokes does a running shoe tell?
A: Knot Knot jokes.
Q: Did you hear about the marathon runner who ran for three hours but only moved two feet?
A: He only had two feet!
Q: What is absolute jealousy?
A: The feeling you get when you're driving in your car and pass runners.
Q: Why can't you take a nap during a race?
A: Because if you snooze, you lose!
Q: What's the hardest thing about running cross country?
A: Telling your parents that your gay!
Q: What race is never run?
A: A swimming race.
Q: What do you call running while listening to your favorite rapper?
A: A Snoop Jogg.
Q: What does a runner drink when she is in last place?
A: Ketchup.
Q: How did the barber win the foot race?
A: He took a short cut.
Q: Why did the trainer want her client to work out where it was sunny?
A: So she would feel the burn.
Q: What do you call a competitive runner who just broke up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless
Q: What kind of running shoes are made from banana skins?
A: Slippers.
Q: What do runners do when they forget something?
A: They jog their memory
Q: What do a dentist and a track coach have in common?
A: They both use drills!
If your computer is slow paint a Jamaican flag on it and it will run faster.
Two Hunters
Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer. When all of a sudden, a giant bear jumps out and scares the shit out of them. They drop their guns and run like hell.
One of the hunters stopped, opened up his backpack and laced up a pair of Running shoes. His buddy looked at him and said, "What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't outrun the bear!"
To this the hunter said, "I know, all I have to do is outrun you!"
Michael Johnson
Michael Johnson, the Olympic gold medal runner, was on his way to a club with some friends.
At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said: "Sorry, man, you can't come in here "no denim."
Michael was quite annoyed at this and retorted: "Don't you know who I am? I'm Michael Johnson."
"Then it won't take you long to run home and change, will it?" replied the bouncer.
Working Out
We work out too much. We waste time.
A friend of mine runs marathons. He always talks about this "runner's high." But he has to go 26 miles for it.
That's why I smoke and drink. I get the same feeling from a flight of stairs.
Running Shoes
Deciding to take up jogging, the man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store.
While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk: "What is this little pocket thing here on the side for?"
And the clerk: "Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far."
100m Dash
An athlete has just broken the world record in the one hundred meters.
All the other runners come to congratulate him and hear him murmur.
Like screw the guy who put the baby squirrel in my pants.
A Long Drive
A man had been driving all night to see his girlfriend at a university across the country and by morning was still far from his destination.
He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep.
As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes.
No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window.
He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. "Yes?" "Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."
The jogger said thanks and left.
The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!" The jogger said thanks and left.
Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him.
To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying "I do not know the time!"
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. "Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"
Foot Races
Two gas company servicemen, an experienced supervisor and a new trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.
They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them.
They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied "When I see two gas servicemen running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Runner's Advice
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Run early in the morning, before your brain figures out what your really doing.
You know you are stressed if you can achieve "runners high" by sitting up.
In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels".
Love
A runner asks his wife: "What do you love most about me? My tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?"
"What I love most about you," responded the man's wife, "is your running sense of humor."