Premier League Jokes


Q: What do you get if you see a Leeds United fan buried up to his neck in sand?
A: More sand

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Man Utd striker Wayne Rooney?
A: Clinton can score.

Q: Name three football clubs that contain swear words?
A: Arsenal, Scunthorpe and F*****g Man Utd.

Q: What's the difference between West Ham and an albatross?
A: An albatross has got two decent wings.

Q: What is the difference between Coventry and the bermuda triangle?
A: The bermuda triangle has three points.

Q: Why do midgets always laugh when playing soccer?
A: The grass tickles their balls!

Q: Which football team uses the most toilet paper?
A: Arsenal.

Q: Why did Cinderella get kicked off the Football team?
A: Because she Kept running away from the ball.

Q: How did the futbol pitch get all wet?
A: The players dribbled all over it.

Q: How do you make a Gunners fan run?
A: Build a job centre.

Q: Why do Hearts fans plant potatoes round the edge of Tynecastle?
A: So they have Something to lift at the end of the season.

Q: What happens when the opposition cross the halfway line at Villa Park?
A: They score.

Q: Why do soccer players have so much trouble eating Indian food?
A: They think they can't use they're hands.

Q: What does a Lionel Messi and a magician have in common?
A: Both do hat tricks.

Q: What tea do footballers drink?
A. PenalTea!

Apparantly, Blackburn football club is under investigation by the Inland Revenue for tax evasion.
- they've been claiming for Silver Polish for the past 30 years.

Q: What's the difference between an Everton fan and a supermarket trolley?
A: The trolley has a mind of it's own.

Q: How many Manchester City soccer fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.

A Derby County and Middlesborough fan are strolling along Duke Street and suddenly the Middlesborough supporter says "Woooh! would ya look at that dead bird!". The Derby County fan looks skywards and says "huh, Where?

Q: How many Evertonians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you like, but they'll never see the light.

Q: What do you call a QPR fan with an IQ of 10?
A: Supremely gifted!

Q: Why are soccer players excellent at math?
A: They know how to use their heads.

Q: How do you change a Charlton fans mind?
A: Blow in his ear!

Q: How can you tell ET is a Rangers fan?
A: Because he looks like one.

Unsubstantiated reports seem to suggest that Chelsea will be releasing a new record at the end of the month, "I'm forever blowing Doubles"!

Q: What would you get if Newcastle were relegated?
A: 45,000 more Chelsea fans

Q. Why doesn't Pakistan have an international football team?
A. Because each time they get a corner, they open a shop.

Q: Why is a bad futbol team like an old bra?
A: No cups and little support.

Q: How do athletes stay cool during a game?
A: They stand near the fans!

Q: Why don't you not play soccer in the jungle?
A: There are too many cheetahs!

Q: What lights up a football pitch at night?
A: a football match.

Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.

Q: What's the difference between a Liverpool fan and a broken clock?
A: Even a broken clock is right twice a day!

Q: What's the difference between a Hibernian fan and a coconut?
A: You can get a drink out of a coconut!

Q. Why did the soccer player bring string to the game?
A: So she could tie the score

Q: Why did the soccer ball quit the team?
A: He was tired of being kicked around.

They say that pessimists see the cup as half empty, and optimists as half full
QPR haven't even seen the cup!

Wayne Rooney: 'I've just had a good idea for strengthening the team.'
Manager: `Good! When are you leaving?'

`I hear you're from Liverpool. Does your town boast a football team?'
'We have a team, yes, but it's nothing to boast about.'

Football players are the only people who can dribble and still look neat.

Rafael Benitez was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her shopping.

He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" to which the old lady replied, "no way you got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!" 

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