New England Patriots Jokes
Q: What's the difference between the Patriots and cigarettes?
A: Eli Manning doesn't smoke cigarettes
If the Patriots offense is not dominant, does that make them unpatriotic?
Dad, how do you win a Super Bowl without cheating?
I don't know son, we are Patriots fans.
Q: What do the Los Angeles Police Department and the New England Patriots have in common?
A: Neither one can stop a Bronco.
Did you hear about the cereal Bill Belicheat and "Shady" Brady eat before games?
Cheaties!....The Breakfast of Champions
Tom Brady isn't the only one who likes his balls tender.
Why can't Tom Brady have any more kids?
His balls were deflated.
What do you call a TV Show about the New England Patriots?
Bradys Bunch of Deflated Balls
Q: What do the New England Patriots and a Chick-Fil-A manager have in common?
A: Neither one shows up for work on Sunday.
Q: Why does Aaron Hernandez resort to murdering people?
A: Because Tim Tebow brings out the worst in everybody.
Q: What do you do after winning a Super Bowl?
A: You "Party Like A Gronk Star".
Q: What is Tom brady's favorite letter?
A: Sssssssss! (sound of air leaking from a ball)
If your favorite quarterback invented the tuck rule, then I'm not going to question why your nursing a Bacardi Breezer.
Q: Why is Aaron Hernandez's NFL career over?
A: By the time he gets out of jail he wont have a tight end left.
Q: What will happen if Tom Brady can't make the delivery of his first child with Gisele Bundchen?
A: Bill Belichick will tape it!
Q: What is the name for Giselle & Tom Brady's baby boy?
A: Brady Bundch!
Q: How do the Patriots spend the first week of training camp?
A: Studying the Miranda Rights
Q: Did you hear about Aaron Hernandez?
A: He entered prison as a tight end and became a wide receiver.
Q: Did you hear about the New England Patriots latest trade?
A: They had to give up a first round pick and a felon to be named later!
Q: How many Patriots fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None they are happy living in the Giants shadow!
Q: Why is Patriots player Rodney Harrison perfect for a broadcasting job with NBC?
A: Anyone who has played with Bill Belichick knows a thing or two about being in front of a camera!
Q: What happened after a man was arrested for taping Erin Andrews in her hotel room?
A: He was immediately hired by the New England Patriots!
Q: Why are the New England Patriots like Hillary Clinton?
A: Both have Bills to push around.
Q: Why did the Boston Red Sox trade Manny Ramirez?
A: Because if he was anymore high maintenance Tom Brady might consider dating him!
Q: What's the difference between the New England Patriots and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q: What do the Patriots and the Post Office have in common?
A: Neither deliver on Sundays!
Q: What do the New England Patriots and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
Q. How are the Patriots like my neighbors?
A. They can't pick up a single yard!
Q: Want to hear a Patriots joke?
A: Danny Amendola!
Q: Why is Danny Amendola like a grizzly bear?
A: Every fall he goes into hibernation.
Q: What is the difference between a Patriots fan and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.
Q: What do the Patriots and the mailman have in common?
A: Neither deliver on Sunday night.
Q: How many New England Patriots does it take to change a tire?
A: One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up
Q: What do you call 53 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The New England Patriots.
Q: What do the New England Patriots and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".
Q: How do you keep the New England Patriots out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.
Q: What's the similarity between an old man's dick, and the New England Patriots football?
A: They're both deflated and easy to get!
Q: Why are so many New England Patriots players claiming they have the Swine Flu?
A: So They don't have to touch the pigskin!
Q: What is a New England Patriots fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat the Jets."
Q: How do you stop a New England Patriots fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in New York Gang Green!
Q: What holds more air then a Patriots football?
A: A plasic bag.
Q: What is th difference between a bucket of shit and an New England Patriots fan?
A: The bucket.
Q: If you have a car containing a Patriots wide receiver, a Patriots linebacker, and a Patriots defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.
Q: How do you casterate an New England Patriots fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth
Q: What should you do if you find three New England Patriots football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What's the difference between a New England Patriots fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q. How did the New England Patriots fan die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q: Did you hear that New England's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.
Q: How many New England Patriots fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!
Q: What does a New England Patriots fan and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: Why do New England Patriots fans keep their season tickets on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: What's the best way to teach your dog to roll over and play dead?
A: Have him watch a couple New England Patriots games.
Q: How do you keep a Patriots fan from masterbating?
A: You paint his dick New Orleans gold and he won't beat it for years!
Q: Why do the New England Patriots want to change their name to the New England Tampons?
A: Because they are only good for one period and do not have a second string!
Q: Tired of hearing about Tom Brady?
A: Tiger woods had his balls deflated by his wife and every body cheered!
Q: What's the difference between the New England Patriots & the Taliban?
A: The Taliban has a running game!
Q: Where do you go in Boston in case of a tornado?
A: Gillette Stadium they never get a touchdown there!
Q. Why do ducks fly over Gillette Stadium upside down?
A. There's nothing worth craping on!
Q: Why doesn't Connecticut have a professional football team?
A: Because then Massachusetts would want one.
Q: What's the difference between the New England Patriots and a pinball machine?
A: The pinball machine scores more points.
Q: Why are New England Patriots jokes getting dumber and dumber??
A: Because Patriots fans have started to make them up themselves.
Q: What's the difference between New England Patriots fans and mosquitoes?
A: Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.
Did you hear that Gillette Stadium had to be resodded?
Thats really sad when you cant even get your own grass to root for you!
Can a New Englands Patriots player drive a stick?
Only if they remove the clutch.
My wife was about to put my son in a New England Patriots jersey, but I reminded her it was a choking hazard.
According to a new poll 91 percent of people are satisfied with their lives.
The other 9 percent are New England Patriots fans.
I took my broken vacuum cleaner back to the store.
They put a Patriots jersey on it and now it sucks again.
New England Patriots One Liners
Aaron Hernandez heard about Tebowing and decided he had to outdo Tim Tebow.
So he started his own trend called "Murdering"
Dear Amanda Bynes, Aaron Hernandez will murder your vagina.
Patriot Playoff games arent fixed.The officials just make it look that way.
Why did the New England Patriots fan cross the road.....I was thinking when I accelerated.
Eli Manning doesn't always go to the Superbowl, but when he does he beats Tom Brady.
Are you scared of catching the flu? Just hang in the Patriots end zone, they don't catch anything there.
Gurl you a fan of the Patriots, how about you deflate these balls.
I put a Patriots logo on an airplane and now it can't touchdown.
A Patriots fan doesn't always eat pastries, but when he does it's usually a turnover.
Tom Brady is the first quarterback in NFL history to complete 500 passes in the postseason.
Colts Fans
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a New England Patriots fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Pats fans, too.
Not really knowing what being a Pats fan meant, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, the students' hands flew into the air.
There was, however, one exception. Lucas was not going along with the crowd. The teacher asked him why he had decided to be different.
"Because I'm not a Patriots fan" he said.
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"I'm an Indianapolis Colts fan," boasts the little boy.
The teacher asks Lucas why he is a Colts fan. "Well, my dad and mom are Colts fans, so I'm a Colts fan, too" he responds.
"That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"
Lucas smiles and says, "Then I'd be a New England Patriots fan."
4 Football Fans
A Redskins fan, an Eagles fan, a Patriots fan, and a Colts fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more.
The Redskins fan insists he is the most loyal. 'This is for the Redskins! ' he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain.
Not to be outdone, the Eagles fan shouts, 'This is for the Eagles!' and throws himself off the mountain.
The Colts fan is next to profess his love for his team.
He yells, 'This is for everyone!' and pushes the Patriots fan off the mountain.
Heaven
A Patroits fan dies on game day and goes to heaven in his Navy Blue and Silver jersey. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. "Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Patriots fans in heaven." "What?" exclaims the man, astonished. "You heard, no P fans.stoirta" "But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Patriots supporter. "Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then?" "Well" said the supporter, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 100 dollars to the starving children in Africa". "Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?" "Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 100 dollars to the homeless." "Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 100 dollars to the Albanian orphans." "Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the God." Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with Godand he agrees with me. Here's your $300 dollars back, now f**k off".