Houston Texans Jokes
Q: Why do Texans players keep their Wonderlic results on their dash boards?
A: So they can park in the handicap spaces.
Q: How many Houston Texans does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A: Nobody knows and we may never find out!
Q: Did you hear about the joke that Brock Osweiler told his receivers?
A: It went over their heads.
Q: Why can't Brock Osweiler use the phone anymore?
A: Because he can't find the receiver.
Q: What's the difference between the Texans and cigarettes?
A: Andrew Luck doesn't smoke cigarettes
I put a Ryan Mallett bumper sticker on my car and now it won't start.
Q: Why does President Obama want to send Texans QB Ryan Mallett to Syria?
A: The CIA is convinced Ryan is the only American who can overthrow Bashir Assad.
Q: What do you call a Houston Texan with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief.
Q: How many Texans fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None they are happy living in Colts shadow!
I wrote a song about Houstons defense.
It's called "Watt me Whip Watt me JJ"
Q: What's the best part about dating a Texans fan?
A: She won't be asking for a ring!
Q: What's the difference between the Houston Texans and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q: What do the Houston Texans and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
Q: How do you know the Texas State Police are seriously enforcing the Speed Limits into Houston.
A: For the first offense, they give you two Houston Texans tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.
Q: What is the difference between a Texans fan and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.
Q: How many Houston Texans does it take to change a tire?
A: One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up
Q: What do the Houston Texans and a Chick-Fil-A manager have in common?
A: Neither one shows up for work on Sunday.
Q: What do the Texans and the mailman have in common?
A: Neither deliver on Sunday.
Q: What did the Texans fan say after his team won the Super Bowl?
A: "Dammit mom, why'd you wake me up? I was having an amazing dream!"
Q. How are the Texans like my neighbors?
A. They can't pick up a single yard!
Q: Want to hear a Texans joke?
A: DeAndre Hopkins!
Q: Why is DeAndre Hopkins like a grizzly bear?
A: Every fall he goes into hibernation.
Q: What do the Texans and the Post Office have in common?
A: Neither deliver on Sundays!
Q: What do you call 53 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Houston Texans.
Q: What do the Houston Texans and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".
Q: How do you keep an Houston Texans out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.
Q: Why are so many Houston Texans players claiming they have the Swine Flu?
A: So They don't have to touch the pigskin!
Q: What is a Houston Texans fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat Indianapolis."
Q: How do you stop an Houston Texans fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in Indianapolis White and Blue!
Q: What is th difference between a bucket of shit and an Houston Texans fan?
A: The bucket.
Q: If you have a car containing a Texans wide receiver, a Texans linebacker, and a Texans defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.
Q: How do you casterate an Houston Texans fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth
Q: What should you do if you find three Houston Texans football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What's the difference between an Houston Texans fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q. How did the Houston Texans fan die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q: What's the best way to teach your dog to roll over and play dead?
A: Have him watch a couple Houston Texans games.
Q: What does an Houston Texans fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl?
A: He turns off the PlayStation 3.
Q: What do you call an Houston Texan in the Super Bowl?
A: A referee.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde burglar?
A: He broke into the Houston Texans' trophy room.
Q: Did you hear that Houston's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.
Q: How many Houston Texans fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!
Q: Why do NFL teams get excited about playing the Houston Texans?
A: It's like having an extra bye week.
Q: What does a Houston Texans fan and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: Why do Houston Texans fans keep their season tickets on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: How do the Texans spend the first week of training camp?
A: Studying the Miranda Rights
Q: How do you keep a Texans fan from masterbating?
A: You paint his dick New Orleans gold and he won't beat it for years!
Q: Why do the Houston Texans want to change their name to the Atlanta Tampons?
A: Because they are only good for one period and do not have a second string!
Q: What's the difference between the Houston Texans & the Taliban?
A: The Taliban has a running game!
Q: Where do you go in Houston in case of a tornado?
A: Reliant Stadium - they never get a touchdown there!
Q. Why do ducks fly over Reliant stadium upside down?
A. There's nothing worth craping on!
Q: Why doesn't El Paso have a professional football team?
A: Because then Houston would want one.
Q: Why are Houston Texans jokes getting dumber and dumber??
A: Because Texans fans have started to make them up themselves.
Q: What's the difference between the Houston Texans and a pinball machine?
A: The pinball machine scores more points.
Q: What's the difference between Houston Texans fans and mosquitoes?
A: Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.
Did you hear that Reliant Stadium had to be resodded?
Thats really sad when you cant even get your own grass to root for you!
Son: What's a touchdown?
Dad: I'm not sure son, we're Houston Texans fans.
Can a Houston Texans player drive a stick?
Only if they remove the clutch.
My wife was about to put my son in a Houston Texans jersey, but I reminded her it was a choking hazard.
The only thing worse than a Houston Texans fan is a Houston Texans quarterback.
According to a new poll 91 percent of people are satisfied with their lives.
The other 9 percent are Houston Texans fans.
I took my broken vacuum cleaner back to the store.
They put a Texans jersey on it and now it sucks again.
Why did the Houston Texans fan cross the road.....I was thinking when I accelerated.
I put a Texans logo on an airplane and now it can't touchdown.
Are you scared of catching the flu? Just hang in the Texans end zone, they don't catch anything there.
A Texans fan doesn't always eat pastries, but when he does it's usually a turnover.
Child Welfare
A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Fulton County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. \
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Cincinnati Bengals, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Straight To Hell
A guy dies and goes straight to hell. His first day the devil comes around and asks, "Well buddy is it hot enough for ya down here?"
The guy replies, "Aw, Ahm from Texas. We get hotter days than this in Dallas in the springtime."
This pisses the devil off so he goes over and turns the thermostat up.
Next day it's the same thing: "Is it hot enough for ya now Tex?"
And the Texan says, "Aw, we get hotter days than this in Del Rio in the wintertime."
Pissed off again, the devil turns up the thermostat some more.
So it goes day after day. The devil asks if its hot enough for the Texan, the Texan names another Texas city that's hotter than hell, and the devil turns up the temperature some more.
After a while the fires are really roarin', the smoke is blowin', and the brimstone is boilin'. One Sunday morning the the devil asks again how Tex likes the weather.
Tex says, "Aw, the smoke and the fire don't bother me. I used to live over on the east side of Houston by an oil refinery. And the stink ain't no problem. When the wind blew in from Pasadena, it was a lot worse than down here. So if ya could just get the temperature up a little higher, raise the humidity up to 100%, throw in a hurricane and a storm surge and half a dozen tornados and 57 trillion mosquitos as big as turkey buzzards... why, I thing I could be as comfortable here as I was back home in Houston.
That really pissed the devil off and he went to turn the thermostat up again. BUT, it was already all the way up, and heat didn't seem to bother Tex anyway. There was only one thing to do: he turned the thermostat ALL THE WAY DOWN! The temperature started fallin' like a stone. By evening it was COLD! So he went to see the Houstonian. The guy was obviously miserable, coated in ice, blue and shiverin', with ice hanging from his ears. This pleased the devil 'cause he's in the torment business. He sneers at the Houstonian and asks "Well Tex, how do ya like this weather?"
Tex is shiverin' so hard he can hardly talk. He says, "Can't really say I care for it much." Then he gives the devil a great big smile and says "But I guess it's worth it." The devil says, "What the hell you mean 'It's worth it'? And why are you so damned happy?" The Houstonian replies, "Well with hell bein' froze over and all, it must mean the Houston Texans finally won a damn football game!"
Colts Fan
On the first day of school a first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Texans fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Texans fans.
Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise, 'Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?'
Because I'm not a Texans fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Texans fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Colts fan, and proud of it,' Janie replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Janie please tell us why you are a Colts fan?'
"Because my mom is a Colts fan, and my dad is Colts fan, so I'm a Colts fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Colts fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was a moron, what would you be then?'
"Then," Janie smiled, 'I'd be a Texans fan.'
4 Football Fans
A Redskins fan, an Eagles fan, a Texans fan, and a Colts fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more.
The Redskins fan insists he is the most loyal. 'This is for the Redskins! ' he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain.
Not to be outdone, the Eagles fan shouts, 'This is for the Eagles!' and throws himself off the mountain.
The Colts fan is next to profess his love for his team.
He yells, 'This is for everyone!' and pushes the Texans fan off the mountain.