Chicago Bears Jokes
Q: How many Chicago Bears does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A: Only one, Walter Payton, and he's retired.
Q: How do you become the coach of the Chicago Bears?
A: Be sly as a Fox.
Q: Want to hear a Bears joke?
A: Jay Cutler!
Q: How hard did the Chicago Bears hit Brett Favre before he left the game with a concussion?
A: So hard he sent a girl a picture of himself with his pants on!
Q: Did you hear about the joke that Jay Cutler told his receivers?
A: It went over their heads.
Q: Why can't Jay Cutler use the phone anymore?
A: Because he can't find the receiver.
Q: What's the difference between Marty Mcfly and the Chicago bears fans?
A: At least Marty stops going back to 1985
Q: What does BEARS stand for?
A: Been Enduring A Rebuilding Season.
Q: What do the Bears call the 2 Minute Drill?
A: Peanut Cutler Jeffery Time.
Q: How many Bears fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None they are happy living in Green Bay's shadow!
Q: Why are the Bears happy to have Jay Cutler as their QB?
A: Because they were running out of Rex Grossman effigies!
Q: What happened after the Chicago Bears released Muhsin Muhammed?
A: George W Bush thanked the team for rooting out Terrorism!
Q: What's the difference between the Chicago Bears & the Taliban?
A: The Taliban has a running game!
Q: What do the Chicago Bears and a Chick-Fil-A manager have in common?
A: Neither one shows up for work on Sunday.
Q: Why does West Africa have Ebola and Chicago has the Bears?
A: West Africa had first choice.
Q: What do the Chicago Bears and the mailman have in common?
A: Neither deliver on Sunday.
Q: What did the Bears fan say after his team won the Super Bowl?
A: "Dammit mom, why'd you wake me up? I was having an amazing dream!"
Q. How are the Bears like my neighbors?
A. They can't pick up a single yard!
Q: What do the Bears and the Post Office have in common?
A: Neither deliver on Sundays!
Q: Why is Jay Cutler like a grizzly bear?
A: Every fall he goes into hibernation.
Q: Why was Ron Turner fuming mad when the Bears playbook was stolen?
A: Because he hadn't finished coloring it!
Q: How do you know the Illinois State Police are seriously enforcing the Speed Limits into Chicago.
A: For the first offense, they give you two Chicago Bears tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.
Q: How can you tell when the Chicago Bears are going to run the football?
A: Matt Forte leaves the huddle with tears in his eyes!
Q: What do you call an Chicago Bear with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief.
Q: What's the difference between the Chicago Bears and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q: What do the Chicago Bears and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
Q: What is the difference between a Bears fan and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.
Q: How many Chicago Bears does it take to change a tire?
A: One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up
Q: What do you call 53 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Chicago Bears.
Q: What do the Chicago Bears and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".
Q: How do you keep an Chicago Bears out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.
Q: Why are so many Chicago Bears players claiming they have the Swine Flu?
A: So They don't have to touch the pigskin!
Q: What is a Chicago Bears fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat Green Bay."
Q: How do you stop an Chicago Bears fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in Packers Green and Yellow!
Q: What is th difference between a bucket of shit and an Chicago Bears fan?
A: The bucket.
Q: If you have a car containing a Bears wide receiver, a Bears linebacker, and a Bears defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.
Q: How do you casterate an Chicago Bears fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth
Q: What should you do if you find three Chicago Bears football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What's the difference between an Chicago Bears fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q. How did the Chicago Bears fan die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q: What does an Chicago Bears fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl?
A: He turns off the PlayStation 3.
Q: What do you call an Chicago Bear in the Super Bowl?
A: A referee.
Q: What's the best way to teach your dog to roll over and play dead?
A: Have him watch a couple Chicago Bears games.
Q: Did you hear that Chicago's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.
Q: How many Chicago Bears fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!
Q: What does a Chicago Bears fan and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: Why do Chicago Bears fans keep their season tickets on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: How do the Bears spend the first week of training camp?
A: Studying the Miranda Rights
Q: How do you keep a Bears fan from masterbating?
A: You paint his dick New Orleans gold and he won't beat it for years!
Q: Why do the Chicago Bears want to change their name to the Chicago Tampons?
A: Because they are only good for one period and do not have a second string!
Q: What's the difference between the Chicago Bears & the Taliban?
A: The Taliban has a running game!
Q: Where do you go in Chicago in case of a tornado?
A: Soldier Field they never get a touchdown there!
Q. Why do ducks fly over Soldier Field upside down?
A. There's nothing worth craping on!
Q: Why doesn't Springfield have a professional football team?
A: Because then Chicago would want one.
Q: What's the difference between the Chicago Bears and a pinball machine?
A: The pinball machine scores more points.
Q: Why are Chicago Bears jokes getting dumber and dumber??
A: Because Bears fans have started to make them up themselves.
Q: What's the difference between Chicago Bears fans and mosquitoes?
A: Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.
Did you hear that Soldier Field had to be resodded?
Thats really sad when you cant even get your own grass to root for you!
Can a Chicago Bears player drive a stick?
Only if they remove the clutch.
My wife was about to put my son in a Chicago Bears jersey, but I reminded her it was a choking hazard.
The only thing worse than a Chicago Bears fan is a Bears quarterback.
Are you scared of catching the flu? Just hang in the Bears end zone, they don't catch anything there.
Son: What's a touchdown?
Dad: I'm not sure son, we're Chicago Bears fans.
According to a new poll 91 percent of people are satisfied with their lives.
The other 9 percent are Chicago Bears fans.
I won my fantasy league 3 years in a row because "Winning Is My Forte".
I took my broken vacuum cleaner back to the store.
They put a Bears jersey on it and now it sucks again.
Why did the Chicago Bears fan cross the road.....I was thinking when I accelerated.
I put a Bears logo on an airplane and now it can't touchdown.
Chicago Bears fans don't always eat pastries, but when they do it's usually a turnover.
When Aaron Rodgers returned home he said "The Bears broke my collarbone, and I broke their playoff dreams.
Want to know what's so strange about Chicago?
What?
Chicago Cubs do not grow up to be Chicago Bears!
Packers Fan
On the first day of school a first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Bears fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Bears fans.
Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise, 'Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?'
Because I'm not a Bears fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Bears fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Packers fan, and proud of it,' Janie replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Janie please tell us why you are a Packers fan?'
"Because my mom is a Packers fan, and my dad is Packers fan, so I'm a Packers fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Packers fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was a moron, what would you be then?'
"Then," Janie smiled, 'I'd be a Bears fan.'
4 Football Fans
A Redskins fan, an Eagles fan, a Bears fan, and a Packers fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more.
The Redskins fan insists he is the most loyal. 'This is for the Redskins! ' he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain.
Not to be outdone, the Eagles fan shouts, 'This is for the Eagles!' and throws himself off the mountain.
The Packers fan is next to profess his love for his team.
He yells, 'This is for everyone!' and pushes the Bears fan off the mountain.
Court
There was this family of bears. There was one kid, mom and, dad. The family of bears had to go to court because the parents beat up the kid and they were getting divorced.
The child had to choose what parent to go with. He said, " I Want to go live with my aunt in Chicago".
The judge said "Are you sure?"
The bear cub said, "Yeah, I heard Chicago Bears never beat anyone"