Newcastle United Football Club Jokes

Q: How many NUFC supporters does it take to stop a moving Bus?
A: Never enough.

Q: What's the difference between Steve McClaren and God?
A: God doesn't think he's Steve McClaren.

Q: What do you call a Magpies fan with no arms and legs?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead NUFC fan?
A: Skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What's the difference between a NUFC fan and a Vibrator?
A: A NUFC fan is a real dick

Q: Why can't you get a cup of tea at St James' Park?
A: All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Old Trafford.

Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Newcastle United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What has St James' Park on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.

Q: How many Magpies fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
A: Depends how thin you slice them.

Q. What would you call a pregnant Newcastle United fan?
A: A dope carrier.

Q. What do you call a Newcastle United fan with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: How many NUFC fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 560,001. That is 1 to change it, 60,000 to say they've been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit.

Q: What do Magpies fans use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What ship didn't make it to Newcastle United?
A: The premier ship

Q: What's the difference between Frequent Flyer Miles and Newcastle United?
A: Frequent Flyer Miles earn points.

Q: What do you call 5 Magpies fans standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: Why are Newcastle United strikers like grizzly bears?
A: Every fall they go into hibernation.

Q: What's the difference between a line of cocaine and a pair of Newcastle United tickets?
A: People would pass up a pair of Newcastle United tickets.

Q: What's the difference between a fat chick and a Newcastle United striker?
A: Even a fat chick scores every once in a while!

Q: Why do Newcastle United fans suck at geometry?
A: Because they never have any points.

Q: Why do people like driving a car with a Magpies fan?
A: Because you can park in the handicap zone!

Q: Whats the difference between Newcastle United and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito stops sucking.

Q: What is the difference between a Mags supporter and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.

Q: What do I have in common with Newcastle United?
A: Next week, we'll both be watching the Champions League final on television.

Q: What is the difference between a bucket of shit and a Newcastle United fan?
A: The bucket.

Q: How do you casterate a Newcastle United supporter?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth

Q: What does a Newcastle United fan do when his team has won the Champions League?
A: He turns off the PlayStation.

Q: What does an Newcastle United supporter and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q. Why do ducks fly over St James' Park upside down?
A. There's nothing worth craping on!

Q: Did you hear that Newcastle United doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.

Q: How do you stop a Newcastle United supporter from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in a Sunderland jersey!

Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So Newcastle United supporters can get laid too.

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask a Newcastle United supporter!

Q: What's the difference between onions and a NUFC supporter?
A: I cry when I cut up onions...

Q: What's the difference between Newcastle United supporters and mosquitoes?
A: Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.

Q: Why are Newcastle United jokes getting dumb and dumber?
A: Because Magpies supporters have started to make them up themselves.

Q: What is the shortest book in the world called?
A: Intelligent NUFC supporters.

I set my XBOX password to "Newcastles Defense". It said it was to weak.

Career Day
It's career day in primary school where each student talks about what their dad does. Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad. Johnny comes to the front of the class.
'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sexual acts on them.'
The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class. She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad.
Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he played for Newcastle United.'

Reckless Driver
A Sunderland fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Magpies supporter he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious Newcastle United jersey. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.
One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.
"Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.
Suddenly, the driver saw a NUFC supporter walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time.
Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything.
He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "sorry Father, I almost hit that Newcastle United supporter."
"That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."

A Primary school teacher explains to her class that she is an Newcastle United supporter. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Newcastle United supporters, too.
Not really knowing what an NUFC supporter was, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Mary has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Magpies supporter."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"Why I'm proud to be a Sunderland supporter.", boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Mary why she is a Black Cats supporter.
"Well, My Dad and Mom are Black Cats supporters, and I'm a Sunderland fan, too!"
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron, What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Mary, "I'd be a Newcastle United supporter."

Papiss Demba Cisse
Papiss Demba Cisse walks into a sperm donor bank in London...
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Papiss "You should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call your wife for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Wayne . The receptionist replies
"Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."

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