Los Angeles Lakers Jokes

Q: What do you call 12 millionaires around a TV watching the NBA Finals?
A: The Los Angeles Lakers.

Q: Did you hear about Shaq getting traded to the Miami Heat?
A: Yeah, Kobe was so happy he had sex with his own wife!

Q: Have you see the new disney movie with Kobe Bryant?
A: It's called Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Mamba.

Q: Why did Kobe Bryant buy a dictionary?
A: To figure out what part of "no" he doesn't understand.

Q: Why is Kobe Bryant so confident that he'll rebound well after this scandal?
A: Because he'll be the tallest player on the prison team.

Q: What do Micheal Jackson and Kobe Bryant have in Common?
A: One screws little white Virgin women, the other is a little white Virgin Woman

Q: Why is Kobe Bryant stacking money in his backyard?
A: To practice jumping bail.

Q: Why has Kobe Bryant started smoking a little pot?
A: To help him prepare for the Big Joint.

Q: What do you call the Los Angeles Lakers without Kobe Bryant?
A: The 76ers.

Q: Why does Kobe wear goggles during sex?
A: To keep the mace out of his eyes.

Q: What's the next event Kobe Bryant will be attending?
A: The Teen not by Choice Awards.

Q: What do the Lakers and a nail have in common?
A: They are both good till they hit the wood.

Q: Why did Kobe attend the Teen Choice Awards?
A: He was fascinated by the "choice" aspect of it.

Q: What do Gigli and Kobe Bryant have in common?
A: Both leave people in tears feeling screwed.

Q: Who's the head lawyer on Kobe's legal team?
A: The one with dirt on his knees.

Q: Why will Kobe Bryant be so POPULAR in prison?
A: He's great at penetrating to the hole.

Q: Why will Kobe Bryant be so UNPOPULAR in prison?
A: He's an all-star. He doesn't suck.

Q: How is Kobe Bryant spending his free time this summer?
A: By adding a second bedroom to the dog house.

Q: What's the difference between Kobe Bryant and time?
A: Time passes

Q: Why did Kobe add the letter "O" to his bracelet?
A: So it would stand for: "What Would O.J. Do?".

Q: Why did Kobe buy his wife such a huge diamond?
A: Because the weight of it slows down her punches.

Q: What did Shaq say when he heard of Kobe's marital infidelity?
A: Kobe making a pass? She must be lying.

Q: What's the difference between the Los Angeles Lakers and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: What shouldn't Celtics fans wear Khloe Kardashian masks to distract the Los Angeles Lakers?
A: Because a possibly pregnant white women scares the Boston Celtics players as well!

Q: What do the Los Angeles Lakers and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Q: What is the difference between a Lakers fan and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.

Q: How many Los Angeles Lakers players does it take to change a tire?
A: One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up

Q: How do you keep an Los Angeles Lakers player out of your yard?
A: Put up a basketball net.

Q: What is a Los Angeles Lakers fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat Oklahoma City."

Q: How do you stop an Los Angeles Lakers fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in Boston Green and White!

Q: What is th difference between a bucket of shit and an Los Angeles Lakers fan?
A: The bucket.

Q: If you have a car containing a Lakers power forward, a Lakers point guard, and a Lakers center, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.

Q: How do you casterate an Los Angeles Lakers fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth

Q: How do you get free Lakers tickets?
A: You need Friends in Luol Places.

Q: What should you do if you find three Los Angeles Lakers basketball fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.

Q: What's the difference between an Los Angeles Lakers fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q. How did the Los Angeles Lakers fan die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!

Q: What does an Los Angeles Lakers fan do when his team has won the NBA Finals?
A: He turns off the PlayStation 3.

Q: How many Los Angeles Lakers fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!

Q: What does a Los Angeles Lakers fan and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: Why do Los Angeles Lakers fans keep their season tickets on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: How do the Lakers spend the first week of training camp?
A: Studying the Miranda Rights

Q: How do you keep a Lakers fan from masterbating?
A: You paint his dick Boston green and white and he won't beat it for years!

Q. Why do ducks fly over Staples Center upside down?
A. There's nothing worth craping on!

Q: Why doesn't San Francisco have a professional basketball team?
A: Because then Los Angeles would want one.

Q: Did you hear that Lakers basketball team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.

Q: Why are Los Angeles Lakers jokes getting dumber and dumber?
A: Because Lakers fans have started to make them up themselves.

Q: What's the difference between the Los Angeles Lakers and a pinball machine?
A: You can score more points against the Lakers.

Can a Los Angeles Lakers player drive a stick?
Only if they remove the clutch.

My wife was about to put my son in a Los Angeles Lakers jersey, but I reminded her it was a choking hazard.

According to a new poll 91 percent of people are satisfied with their lives.
The other 9 percent are Los Angeles Lakers fans.

I took my broken vacuum cleaner back to the store.
They put a Lakers jersey on it and now it sucks again.

Why did the Los Angeles Lakers fan cross the road.....I was thinking when I accelerated.

If you want to see the Lakers win another championship you better go Shaq to the Future.

I heard Donald Trump is going to build a wall with all the bricks the Los Angeles Lakers laid tonight.

A Lakers fan doesn't always eat pastries, but when he does it's usually a turnover.

A Lakers fan and a Celtics fan stumble upon a magic lamp.
The Lakers fan gets to it first, picks it up and gives it a rub. There's a flash, a puff of smoke, and a genie appears
The genie looks at the 2 men and demands to know who it was that rubbed the lamp. Delighted, the Lakers fan announces that it was him.
"Okay," says the genie, "So you get 3 wishes. But there's a catch."
"What's that then?" asks the 'Gers fan.
"Well, whatever you wish for, I'll give the other guy double."
"That's alright with me," says the Lakers fan, and starts the ball rolling by wishing for a million pounds.
"Granted!" says the genie, "But the Celtics fan gets 2 million."
"Fair enough. Now, I'd like a nice new Ferrari,"
"Done. But the Celtics fan gets 2 Ferraris."
"Okay," says the Lakers fan, "I'd like to donate a kidney.

Lakers Fan

A Lakers fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Purple and Gold jersey. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter.
"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Lakers fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Lakers fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Lakers supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the supporter, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 100 dollars to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 100 dollars to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 100 dollars to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the god."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your $300 dollars back, now fuck off".

Luke Walton

Luke Walton walks into a sperm donor bank in London...
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Luke "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call your wife for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Luke . The receptionist replies
"Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."


What's clear and goes on a prick? A clear condom,
What's black and goes on a prick? A black condom,
What's purple and gold and goes on a prick? A Lakers Jersey.

Thats A Problem
What do you call 10 Los Angeles Lakers fans on the moon?
A problem.
What do you call 100 Los Angeles Lakers fans on the moon?
A problem.
What do you call 1000 Los Angeles Lakers fans on the moon?
Still a problem.
what do you call all of the Los Angeles Lakers fans on the moon?

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