Manchester United Jokes

Q: How many Man U supporters does it take to stop a moving Bus?
A: Never enough.

Q: What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?
A: God doesn't think he's Alex Ferguson.

Q: What do you call a Mancunian with no arms and legs?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What's the Mata?
A: No Juan is here.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd. fan?
A: Skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator?
A: A Man U fan is a real dick

Q: What do you call the TV show about Manchester United?
A: How I Met Your Mata.

Q: Why can't you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford?
A: All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Highbury.

Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.

Q: How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
A: Depends how thin you slice them.

Q: What do you call a bunch of shirtless hooligans?
A: Man Chest Hair United.

Q. What would you call a pregnant Man United fan?
A: A dope carrier.

Q. What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: How many Man United fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 560,001. That is 1 to change it, 60,000 to say they've been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit.

Q: What do Manchester fans use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What do Beckham and Posh Spice both have in common?
A: Both are f**ing bad singers!!!

Q: What ship didn't make it to Manchester?
A: The premier ship

Q: What's the difference between Frequent Flyer Miles and Man U?
A: Frequent Flyer Miles earn points.

Q: What do you call 5 Man U fans standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: Why are Man U strikers like grizzly bears?
A: Every fall they go into hibernation.

Q: What's the difference between a line of cocaine and a pair of Man U tickets?
A: People would pass up a pair of Man U tickets.

Q: What's the difference between a fat chick and a Man U striker?
A: Even a fat chick scores every once in a while!

Q: What's the difference between a plane crash and a cow?
A: Manchester United haven't spent the last 58 years milking a cow.

Q: Why do Man U fans suck at geometry?
A: Because they never have any points.

Q: Why do people like driving a car with a Man U fan?
A: Because you can park in the handicap zone!

Q: Whats the difference between Manchester United and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito stops sucking.

Q: What is the difference between an Man U supporter and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.

Q: What do I have in common with Manchester United?
A: Next week, we'll both be watching the Champions League final on television.

Q: What is the difference between a bucket of shit and a Man U fan?
A: The bucket.

Q: How do you casterate a Manchester United supporter?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth

Q: What does a Manchester United fan do when his team has won the Champions League?
A: He turns off the PlayStation.

Q: What does an Manchester United supporter and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q. Why do ducks fly over Old Trafford upside down?
A. There's nothing worth craping on!

Q: Did you hear that Manchester United doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.

Q: How do you stop a Manchester United supporter from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in a Barcelona jersey!

Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So Man U supporters can get laid too.

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask a Manchester United supporter!

Q: What's the difference between onions and a Man U supporter?
A: I cry when I cut up onions...

Q: What's the difference between Manchester United supporters and mosquitoes?
A: Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.

Q: Why are Manchester United jokes getting dumb and dumber?
A: Because Man U supporters have started to make them up themselves.

Q: What is the shortest book in the world called?
A: Intelligent Man U supporters.

I set my XBOX password to "Manchesters Defense". It said it was to weak.

You want to here a joke �50 million pounds down the drain by that I mean Di Maria

Career Day
It's career day in primary school where each student talks about what their dad does. Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad. Johnny comes to the front of the class.
'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sexual acts on them.'
The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class. She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad.
Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he played for Manchester United.'

Reckless Driver
A Manchester City fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every United supporter he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious Man U jersey. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.
One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.
"Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.
Suddenly, the driver saw a Man U supporter walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time.
Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything.
He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "sorry Father, I almost hit that Manchester United supporter."
"That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."

A Primary school teacher explains to her class that she is an Manchester United supporter. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Man U supporters, too.
Not really knowing what an Man U supporter was, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Mary has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not an Man U supporter."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"Why I'm proud to be an Arsenal supporter.", boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Mary why she is a Gunners supporter.
"Well, My Dad and Mom are Gunners supporters, and I'm an Arsenal fan, too!"
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron, What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Mary, "I'd be a Manchester United supporter."

Wayne Rooney
Wayne Rooney walks into a sperm donor bank in London...
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Wayne "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call your wife for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Wayne . The receptionist replies
"Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."

Book Deal
Some Man U supporters go in to a book shop and ask if they can publish a book. The shop keeper says,"yea sure, give us the book." He has a flick through the book and says "the book has to be at least a page long to be published.." He looks back at the hundreds of supporters, "we've spent months if not years to write this book!" one of them says,"and this is all we get?"another one says. He looks back at the angry faces of the supporters, feeling anxious, but then looks back at the front cover of the book. He quietly reads it to himself,"The great history of Manchester United, by the fans themselves." He then realizes its a man United book so he says, "Alight, alright just because your man united supporters ill let you off on this one."

Joke Generators: