Hockey Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a hockey game and a boxing match?
A: In a hockey game, the fights are real.

Q: How do you know a leper is playing ice hockey?
A: There's a 'face-off' in the corner.

Q: What do Columbus Blue Jackets and the Titanic have in common?
A: They both look good until they hit the ice!

Q: How did the blonde fisherman die?
A: He was ice fishing and got run over by the zamboni!

Why do NHL players never sweat?
They have too many fans!

Q: Why is the hockey rink hot after the game?
A: Because all the fans have left.

Q: Why can't Jesus play hockey?
A: He always gets nailed to the boards.

Q: What do you call a monkey that wins the Stanley Cup?
A: A chimpion.

Q: Which are the best animals at hockey?
A: A score-pion.

Q: What did the skeleton drive to the Hockey game?
A: A Zam-bony.

The other day, when I was watching a boxing match on TV, a hockey game broke out!

Q: Why don't hockey players drink tea?
A: Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.

Q: What's the difference between a fat chick and the Atlanta Thashers?
A: Even a fat chick scores every once in a while!

Always kiss a hockey player cuzz other athletes play with their balls

Canadian Hockey Conversion Table

50� Fahrenheit (10� C)

� New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
� Canadians plant gardens.

40� Fahrenheit (4.4� C)

� Californians shiver uncontrollably.
� Canadians Sunbathe.

35� Fahrenheit (1.6� C)

� Italian Cars won't start
� Canadians drive with the windows down

32� Fahrenheit (0 � C)

� Distilled water freezes
� Canadian water get thicker.

0� Fahrenheit (-17.9� C)

� New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
� Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-40� Fahrenheit (-40� C)

� Hollywood disintegrates.
� Canadians rent some videos.

-60� Fahrenheit (-51� C)

� Mt. St. Helens freezes.
� Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100� Fahrenheit (-73� C)

� Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
� Canadians pull down their ear flaps.

-173� Fahrenheit (-114� C)

� Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
� Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-460� Fahrenheit (-273� C)

� Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
� Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500� Fahrenheit (-295� C)

� Hell freezes over.
� The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

Reckless Driver
A Blue Jackets fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Red Wings fan he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious hockey jersey. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.
One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.
"Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.
Suddenly, the driver saw a Red Wings fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time.
Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything.
He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "sorry Father, I almost hit that Red Wings fan."
"That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."

Career Day
It's career day in elementry school where each student talks about what their dad does. Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad. Johnny comes to the front of the class.
'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sex acts on them.'
The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class. She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad.
Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he played for the Chicago Blackhawks.'

First Grade
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a New Jersey Devils fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Devils fans, too.
Not really knowing what a Devils fan was, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Mary has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Devils fan."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"Why I'm proud to be a Philadelphia Flyers fan.", boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Mary why she is a Flyers fan.
"Well, My Dad and Mom are Flyers fans, and I'm a Flyers fan, too!"
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron, What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Mary, "I'd be a Devils fan."

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