Q: What do fish and women have in common?
A: They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
Q: What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall
Q: How do you communicate with a fish?
A: Drop it a line!
Q: Why did the fish cross the road?
A: Cause it was hooked!
Q: What did the fisherman say to the card magician?
A: Take a cod, any cod.
Q: Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing?
A: Just for the halibut!
Q: Why are fish so smart
A: Because they swim in schools!
Q: What does the pope eat during lent?
A: Holy mackerel!
Q: How do fish go into business?
A: The start on a small scale!
Q: What is the richest fish in the world?
A: A goldfish
Q: Where does a fish end-up when it flies?
A: A magic carp
Q: What do you call a small fish magician?
A: A magic carpet
Q: Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing?
A: Because it'll crack you up!.
Q: What do fish use for money?
A: Sand dollars!
Q: Where does a fish keep his money
A: In the River Bank!
Q: What did one hillbilly say to another?
A: I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife......best trade I ever made.
Q: What is the fastest fish in the water?
A: A motopike
Q: Where do fish sleep?
A: In a river bed
Q: Where do football players go shopping in the offseason?
A: The tackle shop.
Q: What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
A: You can't tuna fish.
Q: Which fish can perform operations?
A: A Sturgeon!
Q: What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing?
A: Darth Wader.
Q: If fish lived on land, in which country would they live?
Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
Q: What do you call a fish whith a car?
A: A carfish!
Q: What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
A: The Codfather
Q: What do you call a fish without the eye?
Boy: Have u ever been fishing before?
Boy: I think we should hook up!
Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
The only reason your husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"
A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.
He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and mentions his behavior.
"I know it's none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren't having sex with your new wife."
"Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."
"Well, what about anal sex?"
"Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea."
"There is always oral sex."
"Nope, she has pyorrhea."
"Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?"
"That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"
Fishing vs Sex
You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and make it promises.
When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.
Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.
In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In love you lie to still be friends after you let it go.
You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.
You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.
Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.
A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.
One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales.
The baby weighed 21 lbs 13 oz.
A guy calls his boss and says "I can't come to work today
The boss asks why and the guy says "It's my eyes."
"What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss.
"I just can't see myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing instead...."
A cop pulls a guy over for speeding and the guy's defense was, "I was just going with the flow of traffic."
The Cop's response... "Ever go fishing?"
"Ever catch ALL the fish?"
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.
After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."
It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.
He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.
This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.
He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."
So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
Restricted Fishing Area
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; his wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap.
The wife, to escape her snoring husband, decided to take the boat out.
Since she was not familiar with the lake, she rowed out to the middle, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside and said, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing here?"
"Reading a book," she replied, thinking, "Is this guy blind or what?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. You can see that, surely."
"But you have all the equipment, ma'am. I'll have to write you up."
"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," returned the irate woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," the sheriff objected.
"That's true; but you have all the equipment."
THE MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
Drunken Ice Fishing
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."
A man is out fishing in his row boat when suddenly a passing speed boat raises huge waves and the man's oars fall overboard!
He is stranded out in the middle of the lake!
After about two hours, he sees another row boat going by with a man and two women in it!
The first man yells, "Hey buddy, can I borrow one of your oars?"
The other man yells back, "They're not whores ... they're my sisters
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, odd looking fish. A man was walking by and said, "Wow! What a nice Gauddam Fish!" The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use lords name in vain."
The man said, "But that's the species of the fish a "Gauddam" Fish." The sister said, "Oh, in that case, it's okay."
The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught." Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that."
The nun said, "That's the name of it's species - a Gauddam Fish." So, the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me that Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."
While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught." Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!"
Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it - a Gauddam Fish." Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank you, I caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."
The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said, "I'm starting to like this f**king place!"
Fisherman and the Mermaid
The Three Fishermen and the Mermaid
Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisherman said: "Double my IQ" so the mermaid did it and to his surprise he started reciting Shakespeare.
Then the second fisherman said: "Triple my IQ" and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't know existed.
The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his IQ
The mermaid said "Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!" the fisherman excitingly said "Yes" so the mermaid turned him into a woman...
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department
store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store
was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
Kid says, "$101,237.64."
Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast,
so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat
department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he
didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said,
"Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."