Auto Racing Jokes
Q: What do you call 1,000 Restrictor plates at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A Good Start.
Q: Why isn't NASCAR driver Jeremy Mayfield worried about reportedly testing positive for methamphetamines again?
A: Hollywood is calling and wants him to co-star in a sequel to "Speed Racer"
Q: How can you tell when a nascar fan is watching a Formula One race?
A: When he taps you on the shoulder and asks "Are we watching qualifying?"
Q: Why did NASCAR outlaw the Polish victory lap?
A: Because it was interfering with Jeff Burton's ability of finish the race!
Q: What do Matt Kenseth fans use for Birth Control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What don't drivers eat before a big race?
A: In case they get indy-gestion.
Q: What Does NASCAR Stand For?
A: Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks
Q: If Robert Pressley, John Andretti and Geoff Bodine were in a boat and the Boat Sinks, Who Would be saved?
A: Half the cars in Sundays Race.
Q: What's the hardest thing about trying to become the first woman to win the Daytona 500?
A: Telling your parents that your Lesbian!
Q: What is the worst thing about 5 Jeff Gordon Fans going over a cliff in a Monte Carlo?
A: A Monte Carlo Seats 6.
Q: What is the difference between Tony Stewarts car and a porcupine?
A: On a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!
Q: How can you tell when Mark Martin is going to say something intelligent?
A: He starts out with "I once heard Tony Stewart say......"
Q: What is Kevin Harvick's favorite color?
A: Caution Flag Yellow
Q: Why Do Rednecks Do It Doggy Style?
A: So They Can Both Watch The Race
Q: What did the ace car say to the letter R?
A: Come and join me!
Q: What do you call Michael Waltrip racing with his car tied to the back of Jeff Gordon's?
A: A true restrictor plate
Q: Where Can You Find Thousands Of Redneck Jokes?
A: At Any NASCAR Event
Q: Why Do Rednecks Only Drive On A Racetrack?
A: Because They Can Not Drive On The Road!
Q: What Does Dale Earnhardt And Pink Floyd Have In Common?
A: Their Last Big Hit Was "The Wall".
Q: What would Dale Earnhardt be doing if he was alive today?
A: Banging On The Lid Of The Casket Trying To Get Out
Q: Do race drivers stop and take a nap?
A: Yeah, when they are getting tired.
Q: What Does Brittany Spears And Dale Earnhardt Jr Have In Common?
A: They Both Blow Rods
Q: Why Is Tony Stewart Always In The Lead?
A: He Loves Getting Slammed In The Rear.
Q: Why does a Formula One driver carry crap in his wallet?
A: For identification.
Have you Heard? Bobby Labonte is in the Hospital!
Apparently he hasn't passed anything for almost 2 years!
My girlfriend told me my love making reminds her of Earnhardt Jr.
Because everytime I do good I find away to wreck it before I finish!
Did you hear?
Jeff Burton went to work for the telephone company so he could finally get on the pole.
Dale Earnhardt Jr
A man walks into a bar with his dog.
A Sprint Cup race is on a TV. He sits down and asks how Dale Earnhardt Jr is doing.
The bartender says "Earnhardts is in 25th". The dog jumps up, and runs around the barstool 25 times.
A couple of laps later, the bartender says "Earnhardt Jr is up to 10th". The dog jumps up again and runs around the barstool 10 times.
A few laps later, the bartender says "Earnhardt Jr is up to 3rd", after which the dog again jumps up and runs around the barstool 3 times.
The bartender says "WOW! That dog is amazing!! What does he do if Earnhardt Jr wins?"
"I don't know", says the man, "I've only had him for 2 years!"
Small Town
Kyle Busch and Jeff Gordon were driving around a small country town when Kyle accidentally hit and killed a goat. Well, Jeff made him go up to the farm house and apologize.
They drove up to the farm, Kyle got out and knocked on the front door and was let in.
He was in there for what seemed like hours. When Kyle came out, Jeff was confused about why he had been in there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the man in black.
"What did you tell the farmer?" Gordon asked.
Kyle Busch replied, "I told him I was driving around with Jeff Gordon and I'd just killed the old goat."
Mechanic
A Mechanic is standing outside the garage as Roger Penske is coming in to check out the new Taurus, and can't help but notice that Mr. Penske has a Dog under each arm.
The Mechanic waves and says, "Welcome back, Roger, Nice dogs, sir."
Penske smiles and says, "These aren't dogs. These are genuine Labrador Retrievers. I got this one for Rusty, and I got this one for Jeremy."
The mechanic says, "Good trade, sir."
Al Unser Jr.
Al Unser Jr calls the police, and says, "They stole my dashboard, they stole my steering wheel, they stole my brake pedal, Hell, they even stole my gas pedal..."
Then, before the cops can ask where he is, he says, "Hey, never mind, I'm in the back seat."
Potato
Kyle Busch was looking to find a woman so Dale Earnhardt Jr decided to help him out.
He told Kyle that the next time hes on the beach to put him a potato in his trunks and the ladies will gather round.
Kyle goes out for 3 straight days with no luck. He's about to leave when he sees Dale Earnhardt Jr and says " I don't understand, I did what you said and now NO WOMEN will come anywhere near me!"
Dale looks at him and just points and says " The Potato goes in the front "
Drivers Lounge
Jimmie Johnson was just sitting in the Drivers Lounge chatting with Dale Earnhardt Jr, drinking his Diet Mountain Dew and minding his own business when all of a sudden Kyle Busch comes in and WHACK!! knocks him off the stool and onto the floor.
Rowdy Busch says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." Superman thinks "GEEZ,what the hell has gotten into Kyle" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden WHACK!!
Kyle knocks him down AGAIN, and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the "Five Time Champ" has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
Jimmie is gone for about an hour when he returns. Without saying a word, he walks up behind Kyle Busch and Wham! Knocks the daylights out of Little Busch, leaving him out cold!
The Champ looks at Dale Earnhardt Jr and says, "When he comes to, tell him that's 'Crowbar from Lowe's'."
Child Welfare
A ten-year old boy was at the center of a Maricopa County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Danica Patrick, whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone."
Icy Bridge
Jeff Gordon is out taking a stroll in the snow. He slips off a Icy bridge, hits his head, and falls into an icy river.
Three kids see it happen. They jump in and save him. When he comes to, he says, "Boys, you saved a Three Time Winston Cup Champion.
You each deserve a reward. You name it, and You Got It!"
The first kid says, "I'd like to go to Disneyland." The Rainbow Warrior says, "I'll send you and your whole family for a week at Disneyland."
The second boy says, "I'd like a 4 wheeler so I can Go out mudbogging out behind my house" Gordon says, "I'll get you the best Four Wheeler With all the safety Features and I'll have someone teach you how to drive it safely."
The third kid says, "I'd like a electric twin-turbo wheelchair with a HiFi stereo and Cruise Control."
#24 says, "I'll get you the Best ... Wait a second, you're not handicapped, You don't need a Wheelchair."
The kid says, "I will be when my father, Jimmie Johnson, finds out who I saved from drowning."
Anniversary Present
Tony Stewart goes searching for a Anniversary Present for his wife when he goes into a department store and approaches a salesclerk, "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," Tony says, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answers. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the sales girl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."
Car Accident
Matt Kenseth and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither are hurt.
They crawl out of their cars and 'Special K' sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm Matt Kenseth a NASCAR driver. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God."
"God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
And the priest said, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God. And Matt Kenseth said, "and look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Blue Nun wine didn't break, surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
The Priest agrees completely, so Matt opened the bottle took 3 big drinks and then handed the bottle to the priest. The priest said he agreed and took the bottle, didn't drink at all, put the cap on, and handed it back to Special K.
Jeff asked, "Aren't you going to have any?"
The priest replied, "No....I think I'll just wait for the police."
A Tradegy
Jeff Gordon is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers that "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," Gordon says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains The WonderBoy. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks The Rainbow Warrior, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he speaks: "If an airplane carrying Tony Stewart, Jimmie Johnson and Jeff Gordon crashed into a mountain, that would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Gordon beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be a accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
Hell
Mark Martin, Rusty Wallace and Dale Earnhardt found themselves in hell. They were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, behind the door was perhaps the ugliest 1973 Pinto they had ever seen.
It was multi-colored with plenty of rust and primer...dirty interior..and you could smell it even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard: "Mark, YOU HAVE SINNED!!! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in the drivers seat of this car!"
And Martin was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when the second door opened...and they saw an even MORE disgusting example of automaking gone wrong. It was a 1978 Gremlin it was over smashed in every which direction, covered in thick hand paint-brushed house paint and lots of "peace" symbols and hippie colors. It has a top speed of 34, the electrics don't work, and the radio works but only plays the theme from "Hawaii Five-O" and you cant turn it off. The voice of the Devil was heard: "Rusty, YOU HAVE SINNED!!! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in the drivers seat of this car!"
And Rusty, like Martin before him, was whisked off.
Dale Earnhardt, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst...when the third door opened.... And as the door...inched...open...., he strained to see the figure of...a 1998 Dodge VIPER!!!
Delighted, Dale Earnhardt, taking in the sight of this beautiful piece of Automaking Delight, Shiney and powerful this car is made to run like hell. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:...
"Viper, YOU HAVE SINNED....
Bungee Jumping
Bobby Labonte and Jeff Burton are bungee-jumping one day. Bobby says to Jeff, "You know, we really suck as racers but I bet we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." Jeff thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - tower, elastic bungee cord, insurance, etc...
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up in the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
After they have everything ready, they decide to give the crowd a demonstration. Bobby jumps and bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the Jeff notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Jeff isn't able to catch him, and Bobby falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him.
Bobby falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Bobby says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a "pinata?"
Thinking
Jimmie Johnson goes into a bar still dressed in his race suit and ordered a drink.
As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young woman sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to "Superman" and asked him, "Are you a real race car driver?"
To which he replied, "Well, ma'am I have spent my whole life on the track, testing chassis, testing engines,testing tires, winning races and I even won the NASCAR Sprint Cup."
After a short while he asked her what she did. She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the "Lowe's" Racer ordered another drink . A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real NASCAR driver?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian too."
Changing Clothes
Tony Stewart and Jeff Gordon are changing clothes in the locker room. Tony takes off his T-shirt and shorts. He is wearing a bra and a lace garter belt.
"My God," exclaims Jeff, "When did you start wearing women's underwear?"
"Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment."
Car Breaks Down
Matt Kenseth's car breaks down on the Interstate, so "9:12" eases over onto the shoulder. He carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two of his pit crew members in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers while another two get out of the back seat and begin checking the car.
Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward Matt's disabled vehicle yelling,
"What the hell is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says Special K, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" screams the cop. "These are my emergency flashers!" replied Matt!