Why should you always look at the fine print?
Because the devil is in the details.
When the devil realized he couldn't be everywhere, he made a mother-in-law.
Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to santa.
Why did Dante refuse to cut up onions and put them in his ps3?
He was afraid the "Devil May Cry".
Why will you never see Satan in an Armani suit?
The Devil Wears Prada.
Did you know that Keanu Reeves worships Lucifer?
Apparently he's the devils advocate.
How can you tell which blonde is horny on Halloween?
By her devilish good looks.
The devil came down to Georgia to steal your ginger soul.
But the jokes on him because you don't have one.
What did Bill Murray say when he met Satan?
I ain't afraid of no goats.
What do you call a movie about the George W Bush presidency?
The Devil Knows Nada.
Wife: Why are you home so early?
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.
I don't like it when Al Pacino does a movie with Keanu Reeves, but sometimes you have to give the devil his due.
Do you like my drawing of Satan? That's because it's the Greatest Of All Time.
Yo momma so ugly she made the devil go to church.
I joined a satanic cult the other day, just for the hell of it.
Tim Tebow throws all his passes to the ground to hit Satan.
God exists because mathematics is consistent, and the devil exists because we can't prove it.
How do I know that Satan runs the DMV, because my priest says "the devil takes many forms."
I was throwing a pretty good party last weekend, when someone opened pandoras box, and all hell broke loose.
If you keep knocking on the Devils door, sooner or later he'll invite you in.
If you play a Windows Installation CD backwards it plays a satanic message by the most frightening thing of all, if you play it forwards it installs Windows!
And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me.
And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
Deal With The Devil
Three guys die in car accident and wind up in hell. They realize where they are at and find the Devil. They plead with him, "please let us go to heaven!" The devil comes up with an idea. He points at a huge escalater with some of the most beautiful, hottest women you have ever seen! He says you see that escalater? If you can make it up to heaven without engaging in ANY sexual activitie with any of these women then you are free to go. But if you do the nasty with any of them, then I am going to do to you something that your job on earth is related to. The first guy goes and fucks the first chick so the devil asks what his job was. " A mechanic" he replies. So the devil rips his dick off with pliers. The second guy goes and fucks the chick in the very middle. " A carpenter" he replies. So the devil saws his dick off. The final guy goes and makes it to the very top when he screws the last chick. The devil asks "Well you know the drill, what was you job?" and the guy just starts laughing his ass off! Furious, the devil asks him why he is laughing and the guy replies " I'm a fucking blow pop tester!"
You Will Hate Fridays
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and colas.
We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover because you're dead anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer no biggie, you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow... that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow.
Do you do drugs??
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: You gay?
Satan: Ooooh You're gonna hate Fridays.
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument about baseball. Satan wanted the game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand picked players.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the best players and the smartest coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
Three men want make phone call from Hell to remind to their relatives about its harsh conditions Their Nationalities were American, Italian and Iraqi.
So they decide to go to Devil who is the boss. So the American made a call and the Devil made him to pay 100 USD, then an Italian made a call and the Devil made him to pay 10 Euros on fact that Italy is less developed than that of USA.
LASTLY an Iraqi made a call and the Devil made him to pay a cent.
Both the American and Italian complain as it is not fair and the devil responded to them "The Iraqi call was a local call whereas your was an International call"
An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An newly annointed angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.
One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
A Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist
There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist.
Every day, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her.
He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"
Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.
One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Humph! I'll fix her."
He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" At hearing this, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.
When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was. She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"
Hell Fire Sex
A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him, "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."
The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.
"I choose this room!" the man says.
"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.
"You can go now. I've found you're replacement."
A woman, whose husband often came home drunk, decided to cure him of the habit.
One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil!" she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"
ok, I have a proof that bill the gate is the devil
the real name of bill the beast, is bill gates (III), I hope everyone of you slackers know that.
by converting the letters of his name to ASCII values and add (III) you get this. tell me what you think
b 66 I 73 L 76 L 76 G 71 A 65 T 84 E 69 S 83 (3) 3 ----- 666 !!
now, you might ask, "who did bill the beast gates get so powerful? Coincidence? or just the begining of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement??
Dressed As Satan
This pastor had a grumpy member named Bob who always sat with his arms crossed and never said a word to the preacher. One Sunday when it was time for the sermon, the stage filled with smoke and the pastor stepped out dressed as Satan. Everyone ran except Bob. The pastor (dressed as Satan) walked up to Bob:
Pastor: Sir don't you know who I am?
Bob: Yes sir I do
Pastor: Aren't you afraid of me?
Pastor: Why not?
Bob: Because I've been married to your sister for forty years.
A property manager for an apartment complex dies and soon finds himself standing in front of St. Peter. St. Peter tells him "You have a choice of going to heaven or to hell and I suggest you check them both out before deciding." So he chooses to check out hell first.
He goes down to hell and finds himself in the middle of the biggest party he has ever seen. People are dancing and drinking and doing the limbo (and nobody's doing the Macarena!). Everyone is laughing and having a great time.
Next St. Peter takes him up to heaven to look around. Everything is white and pristine. People are speaking softly about philosophy and mathematical formulas. Others are simply contemplative and serene. He's bored in about five minutes.
St. Peter then says to the apartment manager, "I want you to sleep on it and meet me back here in the morning to let me know your decision." The next morning he comes back and says to St. Peter, "Heaven is very nice and all, but hell looks great, so I've decided that I want to go to hell". So St. Peter puts him on the escalator down to hell.
When he gets there he sees Satan whipping people and there's fire everywhere and everyone is screaming in pain. So he goes over to Satan and says "Hey, what gives here? Yesterday I came here to check the place out and everyone had me partying and it looked like a great time. What happened?"
Satan looks at him and says "You used to be a property manager so you ought to know the answer to your own question. Yesterday you were a prospect. Today you're just another resident!"