Mormon Jokes
Q: What do you call a woman who is half-Mormon, half-Jewish?
A: A polygamist who dislikes sex!
Q: Why are prison officials stating Polygamist leader Warren Jeffs is now hospitalized after not eating, drinking enough?
A: Apparently, he prefers kids meals.
Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero. Mormons don't use light bulbs because they can't see the light.
Q: How many Mormon missionaries does it take to eat a possum?
A: Three. One to eat it and two to watch out for cars.
Q: What are The LDS 6 P's for perfection?
A: Prophets...presidency...patriarchs...priesthoods...payees...prozac.
Q: Why will Mormons be the first one's to get to heaven?
A: Because the Bible says that; "the dead in Christ shall rise first".
Q: What do you call a good looking woman in Salt Lake City?
A: A Tourist!
Q: Did you hear about the Mormon who went ice fishing?
A: He brought home 100lbs of ice.
Q: Why should polygamy be legal?
A: Any guy willing to take multiple wives is punishment enough!
Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Utah?
A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Q: Why did Brigham, the leader of the Latter Day Saints, have so many wives?
A: Because he was Young at heart.
Q: What's the difference between a Utah State coed and an elephant?
A: About 10 pounds.
Q: Why are there so many unsolved murders in Utah?
A: There are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA
Q: Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans to Mormons?
A: Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
Q: What do they call mormons who go to University of Utah?
A: Rejects from BYU!
Q: What does a Mormon do when his team has won the BCS championship?
A: He turns off the PlayStation 4.
Q: What did the Mormon female say after sex?
A: Get off me Dad, you're crushing my smokes!
What is a Mormon woman's favorite whine?
When-ner we gun-na ha-va 'nother baaaa-by?
I bet you Mormons know all the best knock knock jokes.
Why do you never take ONE Mormon fishing?
Because he will smoke all your cigarettes and drink all your beer.
If money is the root of all evil, then why do they ask for it in church?
Feel Like A True Woman
A Mormon Bishop got on an elevator on the 10th floor, (he was heading to the lobby) when on the 8th floor a beautiful woman walked in.
(they were alone) On the way to the lobby the gorgeous woman hit the stop button. She turned to the Bishop and said:
"Can you make me feel like a true woman?"
The Bishop said: "I sure can" and excitedly took off all his clothes, he then threw them in the corner of the elevator. He turned to the woman pointed to the clothes and said:
"Now fold them".
Mormon Missionairy
Sunday morning the weather was too cloudy to play golf. I was wondering around with nothing to do when I heard the door bell ring.
I opened it to see a well dressed man standing there who said, "I'm a Mormon missionairy, do you have a moment for Jesus Christ?"
With nothing else going on I said, "Come in and sit down."
We sat down, I offered him a cup of coffee and asked, "What would you like to talk about?"
The young man replied, "Beats the shit out of me, I've never gotten this far."
BYU
The Dean of Women at BYU was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
The Bishop
Bishop Henrickson walks into a ward in Provo, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?"
The man said, "I do bishop."
The Bishop said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the Bishop asked the second man, "Do you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?"
"Certainly, bishop," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the Bishop.
Then Bishop Henrickson walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't sir."
The Bishop said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Mormon Mother
A Mormon mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Owen, 5, and Bill, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait." Owen turned to his younger brother and said, "Bill, you be Jesus.
100
A elderly Mormon asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied, "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around and marry many women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
Two Bishops
Bishop Tanner and Bishop Young, are walking down the street when Young turns to Tanner and says, "Brother Tanner, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"
Tanner says, "Brother Young, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We've been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you."
So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Tanner turns to Young and says, "Brother Young, if you had two of those luxury, playboy- type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?"
Young says, "Brother Tanner, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son's Baptism, we have gone to the same temple together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury playboy yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Brother Tanner, I really would give the other one to you."
They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Bishop Young turns to Bishop Tanner, "Brother Tanner, if you had two wives..."
"Now hold on there! Brother Young, you KNOW I've got two Wives!"
Warren Jeffs
Warren Jeffs fell ill during a fasting ritual while in state prison.
Although Jeffs claims he was fasting, he did receive a sausage from a fellow inmate.
Mormon Father
A anxious soon to be Mormon father spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
Mountain Lions
Once two Utah mountain lions met after not seeing each other for many years, one was fat and the other famished.
The fat one asked, "Hey Fred, you don't look so good, are you getting enough to eat?"
The other replied, "I don't understand it Joe, I catch plenty of Mormons, but I just can't seem to gain any weight."
"Well, let me watch you in action, maybe you're not doing it right."
So they went to Fred's favorite spot where he awaited an approaching Mormon. As he came near, Fred sprang at him from a big boulder with a horrifying roar and quickly devoured him.
Then Joe said to him, "I see your problem, Fred, you're scarring them too much. When you scare the crap out of a Mormon, there's not much left!"
Horse Manure
One time two LDS missionaries where walking down the street, when they came upon some horse manure. The first missionary said;
"That looks like horse manure".
He then reached down and picked some up and said;
"Feels like horse manure".
He then tasted some and said;
"Taste like horse manure".
The second missionary then said;
"Good thing we didn't step in it."
Pearly Gates
A man died and was spirited to Heaven, where he met St. Peter at the gate.
"Welcome to Heaven. I'll be showing you around." They walked a short way and came upon a group of people singing, shouting and raising their arms in the air..."This is where the pentacostal followers worship."
They walked a little further and saw some people taking holy communion "Over here are the Catholics".
They walked by several more groups of followers openly worshiping in their own ways. Then Peter said "shhh, be very quiet now" as they walked past a long, tall brick wall. On the other side they could hear shouting and singing - what sounded like a big party going on.
The man asked who was behind the wall. Peter said "Oh, those are the Mormons...they think they're the only ones here!"
Grace
At the table, a father turned to his six-year-old daughter and said, Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the father answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these missionaries to dinner?"
School Paper
A child at a Christian school was studying the early days of Mormonism in his class.
He wrote on his paper,
"The early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is called polygamy. But we believe in having only one wife. This is called monotony"
Hunting
Two Mormons were out hunting when they happened upon two beautiful women.
They asked the women if they'd like to "fool around."
The women replied, "We're game!" So the Mormons shot them.
Show and Tell
It's Show and Tell day in school, and each kid has to bring something that represents their faith.
Little Mary walks to the front and says in a very soft voice, "My name is Mary. I'm Catholic, and this is a rosary."
Little Isaac walks to the front and says, "My name is Isaac. I'm Jewish and this is a dreidel."
Little Jenni walks up and says, "My name is Jenni. I'm LDS and this is a casserole."
Genie
A Mormon and a Gentile are strolling in the desert when they find a lamp. They clean it up and out pops a genie. "I'll give you each two wishes for freeing me" says the genie.
The Mormon thinks (yes they sometimes do that) and then wishes. "I believe in Zion for the Chosen, I'm sick and tired of all these gentiles coming into our state. I wish for a huge wall around Utah - to keep the faithful in and the gentiles out, and my second wish is that I was there."
And then the genie concentrates hard and it comes to pass.
"Well it's going to be tough in there so for my first one I wish all the non-Mormons in Utah were out of the state."
And the genie concentrates and it came to pass, and then he said, "What's you second wish?"
The gentile thinks and he says "Before I ask it can you tell me a little bit about this wall".
"Well" says the genie "it's 500 feet high, a third of a mile thick, nothing can get in and nothing can get out".
"OK" says the Gentile "Fill Utah with water!"