Judaism Jokes
Q: In the Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?
A: When it graduates from med school.
Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward?
A: They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
Q: What's the definition of a queer Jew?
A: Someone that likes girls more than money.
Q: Why were gentiles invented?
A: Somebody has to pay retail.
Q: Why do Jewish man have to be circumcised?
A: Because a Jewish women wont touch anything unless it's 10% off
Q. What is the difference between a crucifixion and a circumcision?
A. In a crucifixion, they throw out the whole Jew.
Q: Did you hear about the new tires, Firestein?
A: They not only stop on a dime, they also pick it up!
Q: What happened when Moses had a headache?
A: God gave him some tablets.
Q: What would you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage?
A: Genghis Cohen.
Q: Define: Genius
A: A "C" student with a Jewish mother.
Jewish people are the most optimistic people in the world.
They have some cut off before they even know how big it will get.
Q: Did you hear about the new facility Kraft Foods is building in Israel?
A: It's called "Cheeses of Nazareth.
Q: What do you call an Orthodox Jew in a hat?
A: Fedorable.
Q: What do you call a rabbi that can dunk?
A: Michael Jewdan.
Q: What is the proper blessing to recite before logging on to the Internet?
A: "Modem anachnu loch...
Q: If a doctor carries a black leather bag and a plumber carries a box of tools, what does a mohel carry?
A: A bris kit.
Q: What do you call the steaks ordered by ten Jewish men?
A: Fillet minyan.
Q: What kind of cheese melts on a piece of matza to make a passover pizza?
A: Matzarello
Q: Where does Moshe hide money from his wife Sadie?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q: Did you hear about the Jewish Mother cash machine?
A: When you take out some money, it says to you, what did you do with the last $50 I gave you?
If money is the root of all evil, then why do they ask for it in temple?
Ten Commandments
This is a little known tale of how God came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments.
God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. "What's a commandment?" they asked. "Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied God. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends."
So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?" "Well," said God, "It's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL." The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."
So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, "How much?" God said, "They're free."
The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN!"
Creation
On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said, "Today I am
going to create a land called Israel. It will be a land of outstanding natural
beauty. It will have rolling hills and mountains full of goats and eagles, a
beautiful, sparkling, clear ocean full of sea life and high cliffs overlooking
white sandy beaches."
God continued, "And I shall make the land rich in oil to allow the
inhabitants to prosper. I shall call these inhabitants �Jews' and they shall
be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But," asked Gabriel, "Don't you think you're being too generous to these Jews?"
"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbours I am
going to give them."
Good News Bad News
Moses is coming down from Mt Sinai with the two tablets.
He addresses the people assembled, pointing to the tablets. "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is I got Him down to ten, the bad news is adultery is still in it"
Bus Driver
An orthodox Rabbi dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the
gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and
begins to get excited. The lead angel approaches the Rabbi and asks
if he would mind stepping aside for a moment. Shocked, the Rabbi does so.
The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also
approached the gates. The man is an Egged bus driver [Egged,
pronounced like egg-head without the h, is the Israeli tour bus
company.] The joyous parade of angels carry the bus driver in ahead
of the Rabbi.
When the parade is gone, an angel returns to the Rabbi and says, "You
can come in now." The angel begins to lead the Rabbi inside alone.
The Rabbi, somewhat confused, says, "I'm not one to make waves or
anything, but I need to know something. I think I've been a good
Rabbi. I've worked hard all my life. Why is it that the Egged bus
driver gets led in by a band of angels ahead of me?"
The angel says, "Well, frankly, Rabbi, whenever you preached, people
slept. But whenever he drove, people prayed."
Leaving The Vatican
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave
the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the
Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish
community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would
leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged
man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate.
To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope
agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other
for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the
ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The
Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can
stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.
The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He
responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God
common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that
God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that
God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show
that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of
original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What
happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said
to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one
of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of
Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took
out mine."
Two Boys
A Catholic boy and an Jewish boy were talking and the Catholic boy said, "My priest knows more than your Rabbi." The Jewish boy said, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."
Priest and Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street and see a little boy.
The priest says " Hey, let's fuck him."
The rabbi says " Out of what?"
Religious Shit
Taoism
Shit happens.
Buddhism
If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam
If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
Protestantism
Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism
Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism
This shit happened before.
Catholicism
Shit happens because you're bad.
Hare Krishna
Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism
Send more shit.
Atheism
No shit.
Jehova's Witness
Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism
There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science
Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism
Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Rastafarianism
Let's smoke this shit.
Existentialism
What is shit anyway?
Stoicism
This shit doesn't bother me.