Islamic Jokes

How do you tell a Sunni from a Shiite?
The Sunnis are the ones with the Shiite blown out of them.

Do you know what the secret of an islamic marriage is?
The man gets to see a striptease every night.

How does every Islamic joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.

What's the difference between a Muslim and a vampire?
At some point the vampire will stop being bloodthirsty.

What's the difference between Mike Tyson and Osama Bin Laden?
Mike Tyson can take a shot to the head.

How does a Muslim close the door?
Islams it.

Did you hear about the Catholic Iraqi?
He was a Shite Muslim.

Did you hear about the winner of the Middle Eastern beauty contest?
Me neither.

How do you play Taliban bingo?

What do you call a drunken Muslim?

What do you call an evil Muslim?
Mu Ha Ha Ha Med.

How did you get out of Iraq?

What do you call a Muslim on a toilet?
Islamic Relief.

What is the most popular kids show in the Middle East?
Dora the Exploder!

What did the Muslim train conductor say?
Allah board.

A muslim, a socialist, and a communist walk into a bar.
The bartender says hello Mr. President.

Why are they clueless in Saudi Arabia?
Cause they live under Iraq.

"What do you call a Muslim shrink?
A terrorpist."

What is Al Qaida now learning after Osama Bin Laden's death?
Don't put your contact info on the Playstation Network!

Why doesn't Gaddafi go out drinking?
Why should he when he can get bombed at home?

What do you call a Muslim who loves to shop?

What did the muslim bring to a pool party?
Bath bombs.

Why does the Middle East smell so bad?
Because they have alot of gas.

What do you call a Muslim stripper?
youseen memuff

What do Muslim men do during foreplay?
Tickle the goat under the chin.

How do you get an Arabian prince to fall in love with you?
Wear a raspberry beret.

What did Danielle Bregoli say about the Syrian civil war?
Cash Me Assad How Bou Dat.

What do you call a Muslim woman with an opinion?
Anything you want she's already been stoned to death.

What do you call a Muslim alcoholic?
Allah Vabeer

What do you call a terrorist attack in the Middle East?
A Selfie!

What does a Fat Muslim radical yell?
Allahu Snack Bar.

Where do Afgans keep there CDs?
In airaq (a rack).

Why did the radical Muslim go to the airport and blow himself up?
He wanted to go everywhere.

What do you say to a Pakistani at Christmas?
A quart of milk, a loaf of bread and a pack of Marlboros please.

Did you hear about the Muslim party?
It was a blast.

What can the Palestinians do to raise the average IQ in the West Bank?
Allow Jews to come in.

What do you call a bad Muslim eye doctor?
Asif Eyecare

What do you call a bad Lebanese oncologist?
Big Fata Liar.

What do bowlers, Thanksgiving guests, and Syrian refugees all have in common?
They all want Turkey.

What's a Muslim's favourite coffee?
A small skinny flat white.

Why couldn't the Palestinians blow up a toy robot?
Because it had an iron dome.

What should Iraq get for its air defense system?
A refund.

What did the suicide bombers mom say?
"My Allah! They blow up so fast..."

What do you call a muslim Elvis impersonator?
Amal Shookup

What do you call a half Irish half Muslim husband?

Why do cows like the Middle East?
Because everyone is Moooslim.

Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East?
They don't want to wear out the camel.

Why aren't there any Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Because there is a target on every corner.

What did the warning label on the suicide bombers vest say?
In case of Jews, pull cord tightly!

What do you call a building full of Taliban?

How can you tell when you're playing against a radicalized Muslim Quarterback?
When he goes under center to call signals and yells out "Kill Kill Kill...B-52 B-52...Ji-hut!"

What's the difference between a microwave and a Islamic extremist?
A microwave doesn't blow up every time the timer goes off.

What do you call a Muslim looking for a toilet?
Mustapha Shiite

What do you call an unemployed Muslim?
Bin Laidoff.

What is the difference between a Protestant woman and a Muslim woman?
Protestant woman get stoned before they commit adultery.

What do you call a hot Muslim girl?

What do you get when you cross American culture & Islam?

Why do Muslim extremists pray with their asses up in the air?
They want to make it easier for Western troops to kick!

What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit.

I went to a Muslim birthday party last night. Damn if that wasn't the fastest game of Hot Potato I've ever seen!

The amount of joking about Islam should be like the amount of salt in one's food.

Ramadan, putting the slim, back into Muslim.

My friend once went to a strip club in Abu Dhabi and got thrown out after saying: "Show us your face".

Santa Claus is the only bearded man who can fly over the United States without a problem.

Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a Persian.

I try not to tell religious jokes to Muslims any more: half of them are crazy, and the ones with Uzis simply don't get the joke.

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Ahmed who?
Ahmed the payphone trying to call home. All of my change I spent on you.

Knock knock!
Whos There?
Amal Who?
I'm in love, Amal shook up

Knock knock!
Whos There?
Allah who?
Allah these stars will guide us home.

Two Boys
A Catholic boy and an Islamic boy were talking and the Catholic boy said, "My priest knows more than your Allah." The Islamic boy said, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."

I'm Gonna Jump
In Mumbai, a man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Hindu cop to talk him down. Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! Think of your father" Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."

The cop goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump."

Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! Think of Lord Krishna" Man replies "Who is that?"

Cop yells "Jump, Muslim! You're blocking traffic!"

A friend asked the mulla how old are you?
Forty replied the mullah.
The friend said but you said the samething two years ago!
Yes replied the mullah, I always stand by what I have said.

Central Park
A college student is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He saves the girl's life, but the pit bull is killed in the process. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" � the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" � says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.

Phone Call
Three men want make phone call from Hell to remind to their relatives about its harsh conditions Their Nationalities were American, Italian and Iraqi.

So they decide to go to Devil who is the boss. So the American made a call and the Devil made him to pay 100 USD, then an Italian made a call and the Devil made him to pay 10 Euros on fact that Italy is less developed than that of USA.

LASTLY an Iraqi made a call and the Devil made him to pay a cent.

Both the American and Italian complain as it is not fair and the devil responded to them "The Iraqi call was a local call whereas your was an International call"

Religious Shit

Shit happens.

If shit happens, it's not really shit.

If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.

Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Why does this shit always happen to us?

This shit happened before.

Shit happens because you're bad.

Hare Krishna
Shit happens rama rama.

T.V. Evangelism
Send more shit.

No shit.

Jehova's Witness
Knock knock, shit happens.

There's nothing like a good shit happening.

Christian Science
Shit happens in your mind.

Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.

Let's smoke this shit.

What is shit anyway?

This shit doesn't bother me.

Handy Phrases
A few handy Arabic phrases translated to English -- in case you're ever kidnapped by terrorists.

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.= Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT RAEH GUSH DIVAR.= I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FIKR TAMOMEH GEH GOFTEK BANDE.= I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARRAREGH DVATEMAN MAMO SEPAHEH-HAST.= It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHAVAREHMAN.= If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRKAHEY.= I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.

BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!= Whatever you say!

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GORBAN.= The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE GOYAST INO BERGERAM.= The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

BA BODENEH SHEERELL TEEGZ.= Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than to spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.

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