A Church in Hollywood
A man enters the confessional in a Church:
"Father, I have sinned. I have been unfaithful to my wife. I'm a film producer and about two weeks ago I slept with Jennifer Lopez."
"Anything more than confess son?" replies the priest
"Yes father. Last week I was weak and I also slept with Nicole Kidman and Julia Roberts."
The very calm priest asks:
"Any other sin, son?"
"Yes father, this week I could not contain myself and participated in a threesome with Gal Gadot and Brie Larson."
"Sorry, son, but I can not absolve you," the priest replies.
"Why not Father, if the mercy of God is infinite?"
"Yes, but God will not believe you're sorry.
An old man bursts into a priest's study and says, " I've got to tell you this. I'm 50 years old and for the thirty years I've been married I never cheated on my wife. Then this sweet thing moved in next door and since then.....wow!"
"How long has it been since your last Confession ?" asks the priest.
"I've never been to Confession. I'm Jewish"
"Then why are you telling me this?"
"I'm telling everyone!"
A girl goes to Westminster Abbey church a week before her wedding to confess her sins to the priest. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"Tell all of your sins, my daughter."
"Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times," she says.
The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, "Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it."
"Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?" the girl replies.
"No," the priest says, "But it'll wipe that smile off your face!"
An old priest who became sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll leave the priesthood!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell two times this week."
A girl is going to confess: "Well, you see, father, I said that my boyfriend is a son of a bitch and the other day ..."
The priest interrupts her and says:
"But girl! How you call your boyfriend, you son of a bitch! What has happened to you?"
"Well, the other day he took my hand." The priest takes her hand and says: "But look, I take your hand too and I'm not a son of a bitch." "Yeah, well ... but it's just that my boyfriend later touched my breasts." The priest touches her breasts and says: "Look, I'm touching your tits but I'm not a son of a bitch." "Yes, but my boyfriend also made love to me." replied the girl The priest throws it away and then says: "Well, look, I made love to you too and I'm not a son of a bitch." "Yes, but my boyfriend has Herpes." "What a son of a bitch!!!"
When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK," says St. Peter, "dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next nun admits, "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK," says St. Peter, "rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.\
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see", 'Yes, go on' and 'I understand.' 'How did you feel about that?'"
The new priest practices, saying these phrases.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"