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Catholic Jokes


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A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"

Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter?
A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand.

Q: Why did the sponge go to church?
A: Because it was holy!

Q: Why was Noah the best businessman in the Bible?
A: He floated his stock while everybody else was being liquidated.

Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A: A roamin' Catholic!

Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
A: Virgin Mobile.

Hell yeah Iím a catholic iíve been addicted to cats my whole life

Q: What do you call Pope Benedict XVI after his last day?
A: Ex Benedict.

If Eve sacrificed the human race for an apple, What would she for a Klondike bar?

Q: How can you tell if you're in a gay church?
A: Only half the congregation is kneeling.

Q: What do you call a detective from the reformation?
A: Martin Sleuther

Q: Why can't Anglicans play chess?
A: Because they can't tell a Bishop from a Queen.

Q: Why did the priest giggle?
A: Mass hysteria!

Q: What's a priest's favorite food?
A: Holy cheese

Q: Did you hear about all the drama down at the convent?
A: Well, it's nun of your business.

Q: What is Jesus' favourite pop song of all time?
A: I can feel it in my fingers.

Q: What is Jesus' favourite pop song of all time?
A: I can feel it in my fingers.

Q: How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They use candles.

Q: What do you call it when Batman leaves church early?
A: Christian Bale

Q: Why wasnít Jesus born in Italy?
A: They had the three wise guys, but they couldnít find a virgin.

Q: How does a Jew celebrate Christmas?
A: He installs a parking meter on the roof.

Q: How is a Catholic priest like a Christmas tree?
A: The balls are just for decoration.

Q: Does light have mass?
A: Of course not. It's not even Catholic!

Q: Need an ark to save two of every animal?
A: I Noah guy.

Q: What do you call a Catholic service that is very very important?
A: Critical Mass.

Q: What kind of fun does a priest have?
A: Nun.

Q: How do you get rid of a nun's hiccups?
A: Tell her she's pregnant!

Q: What is the definition of suspicion?
A: A nun doing squats in a cucumber field.

Q: What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A: A tran-sister.

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

Q: What do you get when you dress like an altar boy and meet the priest?
A: a holy fuck

Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

Q: What did the nun say to the swiss cheese?
A: "I'm holier than you"

What do you call a place rich in gold and poor in spirituality?
"The Catholic church!"

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q: Whatís the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A: At least a zit waits until youíre a teenager before it cums on your face!

Q: Whatís the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off

Q: What do fat preachers do?
A: They belly!

A Catholic boy and a Jewish boy were talking and the Catholic boy said, "My priest knows more than your rabbi."
The Jewish boy said, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."

Sending your kid to catholic school is the easiest way to guarantee your kid will not be catholic

Who needs a doctor, when your Catholic priest can check your prostate for free.

Rain rain go away catholic school girls wants to play

Yo mamma is so Catholic, Swiss cheese wishes it was as holy as she is.

If god hates gays then why did he create them?

Muslims pray up to 5 times a day. I'm catholic, we pray only when is necesary.

Are you from Arkansas, cus your the only ark I saw!

If money is the root of all evil, then why do they ask for it in church?

Nothing is more exciting than when the priest says "now you may go in peace"

Jesus walks into a motel, throws three nails on the counter and says "Hey buddy, can you put me up for the night?"

Getting a chastity talk from nuns. Yes, please continue to tell me why sex is bad since you know from experience

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

When the nuns are away the catholic school girls will play

There are 3 fundamental truths about religion:
Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God,
Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ,
and Baptists don't recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights.

Billy: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Billy: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell

Drinking and Driving
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Smoking
Two Jesuit novices both wanted a cigarette while they prayed.
They decided to ask their superior for permission.
The first asked but was told no.
A little while later he spotted his friend smoking and praying. "Why did the superior allow you to smoke and not me?" he asked.
His friend replied, "Because you asked if you could smoke while you prayed, and I asked if I could pray while I smoked!"

Adam & Eve
Of all the people in the whole of the human race,
God chose Adam for a chance at eternal life.
His desision made he shouted, as loud as he could 'Adam! Come forth and win eternal life without aging'
Unfortunately Adam came fifth and won a toaster

Red Lamp
A little boy was listening to a long and excessively boring sermon in church.
Suddenly his eye the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye.
Tugging his father's sleeve, he said, "Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?"

Jesus
Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute.

It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone."

The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away.

All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman.

Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom."

I'm Gonna Jump

In New York City, a man is going to jump off the building.

Up rushes good Irish cop to talk him down.

Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! Think of your father"

Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."

The copy goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump."

Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin"

Man replies "Who is that?"

Cop yells "Jump, Protestant! You're blocking traffic!"

When I Grow Up

A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Mary declares, "I want to be a prostitute."

"What did you say?" asks the nun, totally shocked.

"I said I want to be a prostitute," Mary repeats.

"Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!'"

Confession

An old man bursts into a priest's study and says, " I've got to tell you this. I'm 50 years old and for the thirty years I've been married I never cheated on my wife. Then this sweet thing moved in next door and since then.....wow!"

"How long has it been since your last Confession ?" asks the priest.

"I've never been to Confession. I'm Jewish"

"Then why are you telling me this?"

"I'm telling everyone!"

Two Nuns
Two nuns are walking down an alley at night.
Two guys jump out and start raping them.
The first nun looks to heaven and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing."
The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"

Catholic Terminology

AMEN
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN
Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER
A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN
A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN
The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE
Holy Smoke!

JESUITS
An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH
The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE
When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON
The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI
The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER
Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. Holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW
A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION
The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS
People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS
The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

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