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Buddhist Jokes


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Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: Because they have no attachments.

So, I hear reincarnation is making a comeback.

Q: Why are politicians proof of reincarnation?
A: You just can't get that screwed up in one lifetime.

Q. What did the Buddhist say to the sandwich vendor at the ball game?
A. Make me one with everything!

After the man received his sandwich, he gave the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor just smiled. The
man, infuriated, demanded, "Where is my change."
The vendor replied, "O, one with everything, change comes from within."

Q. What did the Buddhist tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners?
A. Too many attachments!

Q: Did you hear about the new low-fat religion?
A: "I Cant Believe Its Not Buddha"

Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.

Q. What did the sign in the monastery searching for new monks say?
A. Inquire within!

Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three -- one to change it, one to not-change it and one to both change- and not-change it.

The Master: I've never met someone so thoughtless in my life. Keep up the good work.
The desciple: Thank you Master

I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time, either.

I hear the Dalai Lama recently fired his gardener, who had a degree in carnations but didn't dig reincarnations.

My karma ran over my dogma....

Meditation
Two men meet on the street.
One asks the other: "Hi, how are you?"
The other ones replies: "I'm fine, thanks."
"And how's your son? Is he still unemployed?"
"Yes, he is. But he is meditating now."
"Meditating? What's that?"
"I dont know. But it's better than sitting around and do nothing!"

Birthday
What did one Buddhist Master give to the child for his birthday?
Nothing wrapped in Emptiness.
How did the birthday child respond?
You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift.
To which the Buddhist Master replied, "Thank you."

Wise Teacher
One zen student said, "My teacher is the best. He can go days without eating."
The second said, "My teacher has so much self control, he can go days without sleep."
The third said, "My teacher is so wise that he eats when he's hungry and sleeps when he's tired."

Two Boys
A Catholic boy and a Buddhist boy were talking and the Catholic boy said, "My priest knows more than your Buddha."
The Buddhist boy said, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."

Religious Shit

Taoism
Shit happens.

Buddhism
If shit happens, it's not really shit.

Islam
If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.

Protestantism
Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Judaism
Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism
This shit happened before.

Catholicism
Shit happens because you're bad.

Hare Krishna
Shit happens rama rama.

T.V. Evangelism
Send more shit.

Atheism
No shit.

Jehova's Witness
Knock knock, shit happens.

Hedonism
There's nothing like a good shit happening.

Christian Science
Shit happens in your mind.

Agnosticism
Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.

Rastafarianism
Let's smoke this shit.

Existentialism
What is shit anyway?

Stoicism
This shit doesn't bother me.


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