Q: Why did the atheist throw her watch out the window?
A: She wanted to see if it was designed intelligently enough to evolve into a bird.
Q: What is so ironic about Atheists?
A: They're always talking about God.
Q: Did you hear about the the evangelical atheist?
A: She went door to door with a book full of blank pages.
Q: How does an Athesist girl have her hair done?
A: In big bangs!
Q: Why does an atheist wear red suspenders?
A: To keep his pants from being taken up to heaven during the rapture.
Q: What do you call an intelligent American?
Q: What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do?
A: Stays awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
Q: Why did the Atheist cross the road?
A: He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn't believe it until he tested his hypothesis.
Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won't claim that god did it.
Q: Why can't atheists solve exponential equations?
A: Because they don't believe in higher powers.
Q: How do you make an atheist appreciate life?
A: Break his legs.
Two cannibals are eating an atheist, and one says to the other,
"Can you believe the way this guy tastes?"
Q: How many creationists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None! They've invented torches!
If money is the root of all evil, then why do they ask for it in church?
So your an Athiest. Great! I guess I don't have to waste my time telling you to go to hell.
An atheist, upon viewing a few people praying together, commented to his friend, "Will they ever learn that prayers are a total waste of effort and time?"
And then, out of habit stated, "Thank God I'm an atheist!".
Fly in My Soup
Atheist: What's this fly doing in my soup?
Atheist: Very funny. I can't eat this. Take it back.
Waiter: You see? The fly's prayers were answered.
Genie in the Lamp
An atheist buys an Ancient Roman Catholic lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it.
Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, "I'll grant you three wishes, Master."
The atheist says, "I wish I could believe in you."
The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him.
The atheist says, "Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this."
The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies.
"What about your third wish?" asks the genie.
"Well," says the atheist, "I wish for a billion dollars."
The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens.
"What's wrong?" asks the atheist.
The genie shrugs and says, "Just because you believe in me, doesn't necessarily mean that I really exist."
An atheist is walking through the countryside when he is ambushed by a huge grizzly bear.
"Oh God!" he screams "Help me!"
The bear stops in its tracks and a voice from the heavens rings out "All your life you've said you don't believe in me, slandered my name and now you want my help?"
"I realise that my request is rather bold," replies the atheist "but would it be possible for you to make this bear a Christian?"
"Of course it is!" replies God.
The bear closes its eyes and clasps its paws in prayer and says "Thank you Father for this meal I am about to receive..."
A Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist
There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist.
Every day, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her.
He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"
Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.
One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Humph! I'll fix her."
He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" At hearing this, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.
When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was. She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"
If shit happens, it's not really shit.
If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Why does this shit always happen to us?
This shit happened before.
Shit happens because you're bad.
Shit happens rama rama.
Send more shit.
Knock knock, shit happens.
There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Shit happens in your mind.
Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Let's smoke this shit.
What is shit anyway?
This shit doesn't bother me.
Loch Ness Monster
An atheist was rowing at the lake, when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat.
He panicked and shouted "God help me!", and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just stopped.
A voice from the heavens boomed "You say you dont believe in me, but now you are asking for my help?"
The atheist looked up and said: Well, ten seconds ago I didnt believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!
A man sees a boy with a box of kittens
The man goes over and says "Oh what cute kittens!"
The boy replies "Yes they are Christian kittens".
About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens.
Once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!"
The boy replies "Yes, they are atheist kittens"
The man asks "wait, weren't they christian before?"
The boy looks at the man and says "Yeah but they have their eyes open now"
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.
Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"
"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."