Q: Why should Creationism be taught in schools?
A: Because it leaves less time to teach Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer
Q: What kind of celebration pays down the national debt?
A: A tea party.
Q: When is it okay for Republicans to engage in group sex and drug use?
A: After they decide to run for Governor of California
Q: What's the difference between God and a Conservative?
A: God knows He's not a Republican.
Q: If Ted Haggard isn't a George Bush Republican, what kind of republican is he?
A: A George Michael Republican!
Q: Why weren't the Republicans behind the verdict in the Saddam Hussein Trial a couple of days before the 2006 Midterm Elections?
A: Because they were so busy fixing the price on oil!
Q: Why is trade with comunnist Cuba bad?
A: Because it lowers our trade potential with China and Vietnam
Q: What do you call a Republican who wants insurance to cover Viagra but not birth control?
Q: What do Republicans and porn stars have in common?
A: They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera.
Q: How do you fight the war on terror?
A: By belittling our long-time allies, then demanding their cooperation and money
Q: Why is it bad when the Republicans control the House, the Senate, Supreme Court, the White House?
A: Because they only have themselves to blame
Q: What does Anna Nicole Smith call Strom Thurmond?
A: The Bachelor
Q: What do the Republican primaries and the Duggars have in common?
A: They both have 19 kids and counting.
Q: What do you call an idiot who spends their days mortified by aliens, Arabs and anthrax?
A: "A Fox News Viewer"
Q: What do you get when you offer a member of the Tea Party a penny for his thoughts?
Q: How do you confuse a Conservative?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: What is the difference between a Republican ass-kisser and a brown-noser?
A: Depth perception.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to clean up a disastrous Bush presidency?
A: At least two!
Q: Why won't Barack Obama be celebrating his 51st birthday?
A: Republicans won't let Democrats raise taxes on the rich let alone Barack Obama's age!
Q: What's the Republican's secret Weapon for the 2006 Mid-term Elections?
A: John Kerry! ...(he insulted the troops)
Q: What the difference between a Conservative and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don't know either.
Q: Why did Elizabeth Dole consider running for the Senate?
A: To get away from Bob and his little blue pills!
Q: What did Bob Dole say after appearing in a Pepsi commercial with Britney Spears?
A: If this won't cure erectile dysfunction....nothing will
Q: Why are gay Saudis a big dilemma for Republicans?
A: Because their gays with oil
Q: What do you call a basement full of Conservatives?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What's worse than Bill Clinton calling you a womanizer?
A: Marc Foley calling you a pervert!
Q: Is lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die an impeachable offense?
A: Nooooo!!!!.....But lying about an extramarital affair is!
Q: When was Saddamm a good guy?
A1: When Reagan armed him!
A2. After George Sr went to war with him
A3. While Cheney was doing business with him
A4: When Dubya needed a "We can't find Bin Laden" diversion
Q: What does "Standing Tall for America" mean?
A: Firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
Q: There is a Red House on the right and blue house on the left where is the White House?
A: in Washington DC
Q: How does a Democrat get killed in Texas?
A: When driving around in a car with a bumper sticker saying "I voted for Kerry, I'm gay, and I'm here to take your guns."
If pro is the oppisite of con then is progress the opposite of congress?
Why was the delegation from the Dallas Dyslexic Republican Association turned away from the Republican National Convention?
Their placard read: 'We love Taxes'.
A Republican died and a friend went around collecting for a fund for his funeral. A woman was asked to donate ten dollars.
"Ten dollars?" she said. "It only takes ten dollars to bury a Republican?
Here's a hundred - go bury 10 of them!"
A Conservative found a magic genie's lamp and rubbed it. The genie said, "I will grant you one wish." He said, "I wish I were smarter".
So the genie made him a Liberal.
The Imitation Game (Fox Business Republican Debate 1/14)
Jeb!: "First we must understand who created Donald Trump, it was Barack Obama. Not the Republican party (including my brother and dad) which avoided immigration reform for the past 30 years."
Ted Cruz: "I thought cozying up to the Donald would break him, but he was playing me all along. Probably should have renounced my Canadian citizenship before 2014."
John Kasich: "Saying the same positive message over and over again will break "The Donald" or maybe not. I just like hearing myself speak."
Marco Rubio: "I'll be the debates Barney Rubble and subtlely point out The Donalds misgivings. I never understood why the show was called "The Flintstones" anyway."
World War Z (CNN Republican Debate 12/15)
Donald Trump: "You losers spent $4 Trillion and created a zombie nation, now it's my turn to clean up the mess. If you don't like it, then you shouldn't have failed."
Ted Cruz: "I don't know if Zombies can glow in the dark, but we are going to find out"
Ben Carson: "I'm the only one on this stage that can dissect a zombie brain and tell you whats going on."
Carly Fiorina: "Steve Jobs was the son of a Syrian immigrant and destroyed my chances of becoming president; That's why I'm a cold hearted B-word....Kill Them All."
Jeb!: "My brother was Wreck It Ralph, that must make me Fix-It Felix. Zombie problem? Jeb Can Fix It."
Marco Rubio: "You guys brawl it out. By the end of the night Sheldon Adelson will know I'm the man for the job and that's all that really matters."
Rand Paul: "Obviously the most intelligent person on the stage, I am the HP Lovecraft of this genre. Underappreciated, I lack the confidence to stop being a smartass and find solutions in the here and now."
Is it just me or has the Republican Party hijacked the plotline of a book/movie
The battle for our Dystopia (CNBC Republican Debate 10/28)
Abnegation: Mike Huckabee
Candor: Rand Paul, Chris Christie
Erudite: Carly Fiorina, John Kasich, Jeb Bush
Amity: Ben Carson
Dauntless: Ted Cruz, Donald Trump
Factionless: The Democrats
Jeb Bush: "Marco Rubio is Divergent and divergence is extremely dangerous."
CNN Debate 9/16 Jokes
Carly Fiorina: "I memorized a whole bunch of statistics to hide the fact my business record sucks"
Jeb: "You can now call me Jeb Kush"
Donald Trump: "Don't contradict me, Ben Carson, or your polling numbers will go down the tubes"
Marco Rubio: "I don't care about climate change and I'm going to throw this water bottle into the Pacific Ocean."
Rand Paul: "I came to California and bought some medical marijuana and now I'm feeling super paranoid."
Mike Huckabee: "I've always been this snide, it just use to be hidden by a 100 pounds of fat."
Ted Cruz: "I deserve to be on the Supreme Court"
Scott Walker: "I like pissing people off and taking away their entitlements."
John Kasich: "The more you idiots talk, the more people realize that I'm the only sane and rational person up here."