George W Bush Jokes

What is the President Bush's new fitness program to get people walking again?
GAS at $3/gallon

When visiting India what did George W think upon seeing a woman with a red dot on her forehead?
Holy Shit!!!! She must've been hunting with Cheney

Whats the best birthday gift you can give to George W?
An Exit Strategy from Iraq

Why is George Bush giving tax cuts like Jim Jones giving Kool-Aid?
It tastes good but it'll kill you.

What would happen if George W Bush had selected the court in 1954?
Clarence Thomas would have never got to law school."

Why did the Iraqi women shave there fannies?
To send a message out "No more Bush"

George W. Bush is now under treatment for what two problems?
Electile dysfunction and premature congratulation

Why can George W Bush run for a third term as president?
Because the Supreme Court said if you count his vacation time, he's barely served one."

Why did George Bush and Andy Card agree that Andy could no longer have a cabinent position? (Andy Card is the Chief Of Staff, who originally told George W Bush the country was under attack on 9/11)
A1: Because he doesn't promote inhumane torture (Attorney General: Alberto Gonzales)
A2: Because he didn't originally provide body armor to our troops in Iraq (Secretary of Defense: Donald Rumsfield)
A3: Because he didn't fuck up the government handling of Katrina (Homeland Security Chief: Michael Chertoff)
A4: He didn't expose any CIA Agents (Carl Rove)
A5: He didn't shoot old men in the face (Vice President Dick Cheney)

What did George Bush do when he heard about the devastation of Katrina?
Out of force of habit he got out a copy of 'My Pet Goat' and started reading it

What happened when George Bush said Global Warming is happening at a faster pace then he expected?
A cabinent member pulled him aside and told him not to worry it's spring time.

Why did George Bush free us from the green jackboot of the Kyoto Protocol.
Global warming means better tans.

What did George Bush say when asked about giving Amnesty to illegals?
Its absolutely terrible when one loses their memory illegal or legal.

Why did Dubya finally tell Karl Rove "Enough is Enough?
He ruined the United 93 movie for him by leaking the ending .

Why is George W Bush only speaking to the Amish?
Because they are the only group not upset about the high gas prices!

How do you know George W Bush is not planning on invading Iran?
Hmm....he might very well invade Iran, but there won't be any planning involved.

How does the Bush administration plan to fix social security?
By taking the word SECURITY out of it.

When meeting Chinese President Hu, how did George W say the two countries are growing closer?
A1: Chinese are slowing being given the civil liberties, Americans take for granted
A2: Americans are moving towards the Chinese system of spying on its people without warrants
A3: Americans are utilizing the Chinese policy of putting people in jail without a fair trial
A4: The Americans are talking about building a Great Wall (Mexico/America)

Why did President Bush's second inaugural celebration cost $40 million?
Because his twin daughters insisted on an open bar.

Why is it alright for George W to start drinking again?
'Well, why not? He's got everybody else drinking.'"

What is George W Bush's new motto?
Give me liberty or give me death." and if all else fails we'll send FEMA

What's the sad truth about George W Bush's poll numbers?
More people believe Elvis is alive then in George W

Whats the difference between George W Bush and the Titanic?
No matter how bad things get, nobody can sink George W's ship!

Why did Bin Ladin stop having sex with his wife?
Because everytime he would spread her legs he saw Bush!

Why does Laura Bush (Presidents Wife) always get on top?
Because George Bush can only fuck up.

Why is George W a big fan of Palestinian president Abbas?
He absolutely loves his hit song, Dancing Queen.

What is the difference between the George W and Clinton's administration?
George W has a trouble controlling his generals and Clinton had trouble controlling his privates

Why is Karl Rove was under fire again today?
For leaking the plot of the new Harry Potter book to U.S. President Bush?

Why is the Bush administration so bad at creating jobs?
Because they can barely hold onto the ones that they have!

What's the difference between George W Bush and an average student?
An Average student can't find Iraq on a Map, George W can get out of Iraq

What happens if Bush's popularity falls any further
He'll become a Democrat

What did President Bush do when Ryan Secrest said 62 million people voted in the American Idol finale?
He went out and bought a karaoke machine

Why is Hurricane Rita Bush's worst nightmare?
An electric chair with no power!

How is George W similar to the Peanuts character Pigpen?
Wherever he goes, he stirs up such a humongous mess, it can only be cleaned up by Halliburton.

What did George W ask the Louisiana National Guard when visiting the destruction from Katrina?
Does this visit count toward the service time I still owe the National Guard.

What can't George W do while in the White House?
A1: Imprision US Citizens without a trial ( the name of national security)
A2: Wiretap citizens of the country even though other laws state that you can't
A3: Go to war without a declaration from congress

Late Night Stand Up
"Have you seen President Bush has already started running his campaign ads, the theme of which, apparently is, 'This Shit Ain't My Fault.' No, I'm serious, his ads talk about the attacks of 9/11, the recession, the dot-com bubble bursting, and then they end with his slogan, 'Vote For Me, Mr. Lucky.'" -Bill Maher

"The White House predicted 150,000 new jobs for the month that just passed. The statistics came back: 21,000. But, you know, the White House, always up for solutions through labeling. From now on, Americans who've lost their jobs will no longer be known as 'unemployed,' they are enjoying 'Operation Week-Day Freedom.'" -Bill Maher

"Attorney General John Ashcroft is in intensive care. He's suffering from a severe case of pancreatitis, which they can't really figure out because he's not really a drinker. They think he might have picked up some type of infection while wiping his ass with the Bill of Rights." -Bill Maher

"Senator Ted Kennedy said that Iraq was President Bush's 'Vietnam.' When he heard about it, President Bush said, 'That's not true; I went to Iraq."' -Conan O'Brien

"Newly released transcripts reveal that President Nixon was drunk during the Arab-Israeli crisis of 1973. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Hey, so was I!'" -Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq." -Conan O'Brien

"In his press conference last night, President Bush said he could not remember a single mistake he had made in the last two years. The president's exact quote was: 'I ain't make none mistakes ever.'" -Conan O'Brien

"Newly released transcripts reveal that President Nixon was drunk during the Arab-Israeli crisis of 1973. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Hey, so was I!'" -Conan O'Brien

"President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah, they're called Kerry campaign workers." -Craig Kilborn

"There are 300,000 new jobs and Bush said he's confused, 'Can I take credit for good news that I didn't even make up?'" -Craig Kilborn

"Some possible high profile targets are the Republican National Convention and the Democratic National Convention. So in response, President Bush increased security at the following locations: the Republican National Convention." -Craig Kilborn
"Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul." -David Letterman

"Homeland Security has warned of possible summer attacks by Al Qaeda. And it must be pretty serious because President Bush has already ignored three memos about this." -David Letterman

"President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here." -David Letterman

"President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration." -David Letterman

"I saw the president on TV. I think he's only had three press conferences during prime time. I though he looked calm. I thought he looked confident. I thought he looked focused. That's right, he was drinking again." -David Letterman

"It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam." -David Letterman

"'American Idol' got a record 65 million votes. In fact today, Bush and Kerry started taking singing lessons." -Jay Leno

"A fiery Al Gore called for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleeza Rice, and CIA Director George Tenet. Bush was furious. He said to Gore, 'Hey, who elected you president?!'" -Jay Leno

"President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off." -Jay Leno

"President Bush got a little upset with a reporter for calling him 'sir' instead of 'Mr. President.' Man, how upset is he going to be after the election when they start calling him George again?" -Jay Leno

President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishes in office. That's why it's a 60-second spot." -Jay Leno

"President Bush addressed the nation tonight and as always he was hilarious. ... Does it scare anyone else that the president has strokes in between syllables? -Jimmy Kimmel

"Bush went on to attack the Democrats' policies. (Bush says) 'Their agenda is to increase federal taxes, to build a wall around this country and to isolate America from the rest of the world.' Hmm. So you're concerned the Democrats might do something that would damage America's standing in the world. Interesting...that you would think that's still possible." -Jon Stewart

"The Bush camp wasted little time condemning Kerry's remarks as uncivil. Campaign chairman Marc Racicot called Kerry's off-the-cuff comment, 'unbecoming of a candidate for the presidency.' Bush never had a similar microphone mishap, has he? [Shows tape of Bush saying: 'There's Adam Clymer, major league asshole from the New York Times.' Cheney: 'Oh, yeah, he is, big time.'] I gotta tell you, I know there was that one, I was actually thinking more of this one. [Shows tape from Bush's 2003 State of the Union address: 'The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa.'] Oh my God, was my mike on? D'oh!" -Jon Stewart

"In response to a request by the 9/11 commission the White House agreed to declassify the president's daily intelligence briefing from August 6th titled 'Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.' The commission also wants to see the August 20th briefing, 'No Seriously Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States' and also from August 26th, 'Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.'" -Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"In response to the escalating violence in Iraq, President Bush is delaying the return home of 25,000 troops and will actually add reinforcements to the south. Then in a symbolic gesture he pulled down the mission accomplished banner, put on a flight suit, walked backwards to a jet fighter and flew it in reverse off an aircraft carrier." -Tina Fey

Three Doctors
Three doctors are standing around one day are talkin bout the economy and how it’s affecting their careers
One doc says "Fuck in my country I can take a lung from 1 guy put it in another and they’ll be looking for work in 6 weeks".
Another doc say’s "In my country i can take a kidney from one guy put it in another and they’ll be lookin for work in 3 weeks".
The other doc say’s "Fuck that ain’t nothin in my country I can take a half of a heart and put it in another guy and they’ll both be looking for work in two weeks."
Well little Johnny say’s "Fuck that ain’t nothin in my country we can take an asshole out of Texas put him into the Whitehouse and everybody’s lookin for work the next day."

Foreign Leaders
During a World Economic Summit, George W Bush, Mexican President Vincente Fox, Russian President Vladimir Putin, and French Prime minister Jacques Chirac are ceremonially riding in Japan's newest bullet train.
As you might know all of these political leaders have big egos and this is what ensued.
George Bush says "This is a fine bottle of wine Prime Minister Chirac"
Upon hearing this Prime Minister Chirac throws out a case of France's finest wine and says "In France fine wine is bountiful and plenty!"
Not to be outdone by Vladimir Putin who then throws out two cases of Russia's finest Vodka "In Russia premier vodka spirits flow like the Volga River"
President Bush not wanting to seem weak, thinks for a moment, looks at Mexican president Vicente Fox, and throws him out the window.

Fox Hunting
George W Bush, the president of the United States, rides up to Dick Cheney's front gate. The gate's about a quarter mile from Cheneys house. Seeing Cheney on the front porch, Bush yells, "HEY, DICK....LET'S GO FOX HUNTIN'!!" Cheney yells back, "OK, I'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE!!" In a few minutes, Cheney rides his Haliburton golf cart to the gate.....dressed from head to foot in his Sunday go to meetin' best. "What in hell did ye get all dressed up fer to go fox huntin fer?", asked Bush. "FOX HUNTIN'?", asked Cheney, "I THOUGHT YOU SAID 'LETS GO FUCK SUMPTHIN!!"

One time George went to a school to give a presentation to a kindergarten class.
He asked the class, "Who can give me an example of a tradgedy?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "If I got hit by a car, that would be a tradgedy."
Bush said, "No. That would be an accident."
Then a little girl raised her hand and said, "If a school bus full of children went over a cliff, that would be a tradgedy."
And Bush said, "No. That would be a great loss."
Then one boy raised his hand and said, "If you and all the people on your campaign died horrible deaths, that would be a tradgedy."
And Bush said, "Yes, that would be a tradgedy. Can you tell me why?"
And the boy said, "Because it wouldn't be an accident, and it wouldn't be a great loss."

Wall Of Clocks
A reporter was walking in the woods looking for his George W Bush summer home and came to a cottage where the walls were covered with clocks.
He asked the woman who owned the cottage what all the clocks were for.
She replied that everyone in the world had a clock, and every time you told a lie your clock advanced a second.
He saw a clock that was hardly moving and when he remarked about it he was told that it was Mother Terisia's.
He then asked where his George W Bush's clock was.
The woman replied "It's in the kitchen, we're using it as a ceiling fan."

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