Zach Galifianakis Jokes

Zach Galifianakis Stand Up Jokes

When I go to events and concerts, there's a lot of people that yell 'Woo!' or 'Yeah!' when they like something. I like to be more specific when I yell things out. I like to, like -- when I'm at a concert I like to yell out things like: 'The way you play your music makes me feel good inside!'

It's really hard for me to perform tonight, and I'll tell you why -- four years ago to this very date, I decided to take my own life. And I said, 'Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and your manager at work. End the misery.' I don't know how...

I want to do another reality show based on 'The Mole,' but it's really about STDs -- sexually transmitted diseases -- and it's called, 'God, I Hope That's a Mole.'

Growing up my dad was like, 'Zach, it's not what you say, it's how you say it.' And he's so right. Take this, for instance: She had a crack-baby vs. she had a crack, baby.

I'm Greek, and I have sinus problems. And I know why: my body produces feta cheese. It's not really a joke; it's just a fact.

Now, I'd like to do a few characters, if I can. This first character I've been working on is called The Timid Pimp, and he's on the phone with one of his hookers. Here we go: The Timid Pimp -- 'Um, hi, Amber? Hi, it's Marcus. Yeah, I can hold.'

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

Three years ago, my sister was diagnosed with multiple personalities, and there's nothing funny about that. But she phoned me the other day, and my caller ID exploded.

Live at the Purple Onion (2007)

If you love Barry Manilow, you're gonna love the Insane Clown Posse. Love them. They're exactly... well, they're not exactly alike, but they're a little bit alike.

Fucking boring! Seriously! Goddammit, this is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! Dammit, I gotta sell this motherfucker!

I want to combine the NAACP with Mothers Against Drunk Driving. It's called Mothers Against the Advancement of Colored People.

I failed kindergarden because I couldn't spell my last name.

When I was a kid, I had dyslexia. I would write about it in my "dairy."

Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Touch my vagina," and she's like, "What!" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say."

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

I'm going to do all new, fresh guys been keeping up with this O.J. thing?

I call my balls the bush twins.

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

This is my impression of a Southern woman. "Tsk, I am so mad at the Taliban right now!"

Zach Galifianakis Movie Quotes

The Hangover

Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): [while picking up Phil at the school where he works] Did you have to park so close?
Doug Billings: Yeah, what's wrong?
Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): I shouldn't be here.
Doug Billings: Why is that, Alan?
Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... or a Chuck E. Cheese.

Black Doug: I always wondered why they were called roofies, 'cause you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. They should call 'em floories.
Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): Or rapies.

Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): It was really nice meeting you.
Melissa: Fuck off!
Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): You know, I was thinking of getting my bartender's license.
Melissa: Suck my dick!
Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): No, thank you.

Phil Wenneck: You're not really wearing that are you?
Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): Wearing what?
Phil Wenneck: The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or are you just fuckin' with me?
Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
Phil Wenneck: So does Joy Behar.

Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): Do you know if the hotel is pager friendly?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): I'm not getting a sig' on my beeper.
Lisa: I'm not sure.
Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): Is there a payphone bank? Buncha payphones? Business.
Lisa: Umm, there's a phone in your room...
Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): That'll work.

Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): Can I ask you another question?
Lisa: Sure.
Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): You probably get this a lot. This isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): Did, umm... did Caesar live here?
Lisa: No.
Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): I didn't think so.

Doug Billings: Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?
Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): Oh really?
Doug Billings: It's not easy.
Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): Okay, well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a ri-tard.
Stu Price: A what?
Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): He was a ri-tard.
Doug Billings: [pauses to figure out what Alan was saying] *RE*tard.

Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): Doug, I want you to know I'm a steel trap. No matter what happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever speak a word of it.
Doug Billings: Thanks Alan, I don't really think that's necessary but...
Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): Seriously, I don't care what happens. I don't care if we kill someone.
Doug Billings: What?
Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): You heard me. It's Sin City.

Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): There's a jungle cat in the bathroom!
[Phil walks into the bathroom, then hurries out]
Phil Wenneck: Holy fuck, he's not kidding! There's a tiger in there!

Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): What if Doug's dead? I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.
Phil Wenneck: How'd he die?
Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): World War II.
Phil Wenneck: Died in battle?
Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis): No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World War II.

What Happens In Vegas

Dave the Bear (Zach Galifianakis): Do you even know how to drive an automatic?

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