I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering.
In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was pro da. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.
Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list.
The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in.
"In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, The Party can always find you!"
In space, no one can hear you scream. In Russia, you are gagged when you scream.
Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there
(When asked by Johnny Carson what he liked most about living in the United States versus living in Russia.) "Warning shots. In the U.S. the police shoot in the air -- in Russia they shoot straight ahead, that's warning for the next guy."