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Will Ferrell Jokes


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Will Ferrell Stand Up Jokes

I'm actually pretty athletic. I have to work out just to look fat.

... people are always asking, Tiger, how do you do it, and my answer is shut up ... I ask the questions around here, I'm Tiger Woods ...

James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was.

I always forced myself to do crazy things in public. In college I would push an overhead projector across campus with my pants just low enough to show my butt.


Will Ferrell Saturday Night Live Jokes

Will Ferrell (George Bush) ... I've chosen to schedule this impromptu address at night, because quite frankly, every time I speak during the day the stock market goes in the crapper ... so sorry Asian markets, you take the hit on this one ...

Chris Kattan (Office Worker): ... is there a problem with it?
Will Ferrell (Mr. Tarkanian): ... you do not hand in crap like this ... this looks like you took a crap or a dump in the printer, you are scum, I should fire you and burn down your house, I am this close to raping you ...

Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... I come to you tonight amist a very important election between 2 very qualified candidates, the hot lady [Sarah Palin] and the Tiger Woods guy [Barack Obama] ...

Tina Fey (Sarah Palin): ... Mr President, I don't want to go all Katie Couric on you, but, I think its actually the other way around, I think the Vice President reports to the President ...
Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... really, that's not what Dick Cheney told me when he sat me down the first day ...

Will Ferrell (Alex Trebek): ... the sound a doggie makes ...
Darrell Hammond (Sean Connery): ... moo ...
Will Ferrell (Alex Trebek): ... no ...
Darrell Hammond (Sean Connery): ... well that was the sound your mother made last night ...

Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... it seems that liberals and godless tax raisers are trying to make me look bad, by using such things as facts ... and scientific data ...

Will Ferrell Movie Quotes:

Artie Lange (Gimbel's Santa): ... and ah what can I get you for Christmas ...
Will Ferrell (Buddy): ... Paul, don't tell him what you want, he's a liar ...
Artie Lange (Gimbel's Santa): ... let the kid talk ...
Will Ferrell (Buddy): ... you disgust me, how can you live with yourself?
Artie Lange (Gimbel's Santa): ... just cool it zippy ...
Will Ferrell (Buddy): ... you sit on a throne of lies ...
Artie Lange (Gimbel's Santa): ... look, I'm not kidding ...
Will Ferrell (Buddy): ... you're a fake ...
Artie Lange (Gimbel's Santa): ... I'm a fake?
Will Ferrell (Buddy): ... yes ...
Artie Lange (Gimbel's Santa): ... how'd you like to be dead?
Elf

Will Ferrell (Ron Burgundy): ... they named it San Diego ... which ofcourse in German means a whale's vagina ...
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

David Koechner (Champ Kind): ... what in the hell is diversity?
Will Ferrell (Ron Burgundy): ... well, I I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era ...
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Jon Heder (Jimmy MacElroy): ... they are laughing at us ...
Will Ferrell (Chazz Michael Michaels): ... they laughed at Louie Armstrong when he wanted to go to the moon, now he is up there laughing at them ...
Blades of Glory

Will Ferrell (Ron Burgundy): ... there's only one thing a man can do when he's, suffering from a spiritual and existential funk ...
David Koechner (Champ Kind): ... go to the zoo, flip off the monkeys?
Will Ferrell: ... no, buy new suits ...
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Christina Applegate (Veronica Corningstone): ... I will have have you know, that I have more talent and more intelligence in my little finger, than you do in your entire body, Sir ...
Will Ferrell (Ron Burgundy): ... you are a smelly pirate hooker ...
Christina Applegate (Veronica Corningstone): ... you look like a blueberry ...
Will Ferrell (Ron Burgundy): ... why don't you go back to your home on whore island ...
Christina Applegate (Veronica Corningstone): ... well, you, have bad hair ...
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Will Ferrell (Frank Ricard): ... thought maybe I could crash here tonight, if that's allright with you, Marissa's going through some, personal stuff ...
Luke Wilson (Mitch Martin): ... personal stuff like you, ah, running through the neighborhood drunk and naked ...
Will Ferrell (Frank Ricard): ... that ... and and, some other stuff ...
Old School


Will Ferrell (Ricky Bobby): ... heck I just read in the newspaper they put a pig heart in some guy from Russia, you know what, I mean, you know what that means?
Michael Clarke Duncan (Lucius Washington): ... no, I don't know what that means, I guess longer lives ...
Will Ferrell (Ricky Bobby): ... no, he didn't live ...
Michael Clarke Duncan (Lucius Washington): ... oh he didn't live ...
Will Ferrell (Ricky Bobby): ... no ...
Michael Clarke Duncan (Lucius Washington): ... oh ...
Will Ferrell (Ricky Bobby): ... it's just exciting that we are trying things ...
Michael Clarke Duncan (Lucius Washington): ... yeah ...
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

Will Ferrell (Buddy): ... we elves try to stick to the four main food groups, candy, candy cane, candy corn, and syrup ...
Elf

Will Ferrell (Ricky Bobby): ... dear tiny Jesus, with your golden, fleece diapers, with your tiny little fat balled up fist ...
Ted Manson (Chip): ... he was a man, he had a beard ...
Will Ferrell: ... look, I like the baby version the best, do you hear me?
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

Michael Clarke Duncan (Lucius Washington): ... you're not going to live forever ...
Will Ferrell (Ricky Bobby): ... I'm not stupid Lucious, no one lives forever, no one ... but with advances in modern science ... and my high level income ... I mean like crazy think I can't live to be 245, maybe 300 ...
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

Kate Walsh (Barbara Weston): ... you know what Phil, you gotta stop, you went overboard ...
Will Ferrell (Phil Weston): ... what are you talking about?
Kate Walsh (Barbara Weston): ... you called a group of 10 year olds, losers ...
Will Ferrell (Phil Weston): ... I did not ...
Kate Walsh (Barbara Weston): ... you screamed it through a cone, everyone heard you ...
Will Ferrell (Phil Weston): ... well, what do you want me to call them, winners, because that would make me a liar, ok, at least give me that, I am not a liar ...
Kate Walsh (Barbara Weston): ... you just lied ...
Kicking & Screaming

Will Ferrell (Phil Weston): ... you're my assistant, ok ... you're supposed to back me up and get me juice boxes when I tell you, now go get me a juice box ...
Mike Ditka: ... YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO?
Will Ferrell (Phil Weston): ... I'm talking to the juice box guy ...
Mike Ditka: ... YOU'RE CRAZY ...
Will Ferrell (Phil Weston): ... I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty ...
Mike Ditka: ... WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL ...
Will Ferrell (Phil Weston): ... NO, YOU GO TO HELL, WHILE YOU'RE THERE, WHY DON'T YOU GRAB ME A JUICE BOX ...
Kicking & Screaming

Will Ferrell (Ricky Bobby): ... its Magic Man ... and El Diablo ...
John C. Reilly (Cal Naughton, Jr.): ... what, what's diablo mean?
Will Ferrell (Ricky Bobby): ... its like, its like Spanish for like a fighting chicken ...
John C. Reilly (Cal Naughton, Jr.): ... that's awesome ...
Will Ferrell (Ricky Bobby): ... I know ...
John C. Reilly (Cal Naughton, Jr.): ... with the claws?
Will Ferrell (Ricky Bobby): ... with the claws ... and the beak ...
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

Will Ferrell (Chazz Reinhold): ... funerals are insane, the chicks are so horny, its not even fair, its like fishing with dynamite ...
Owen Wilson (John Beckwith): ... horny?
Will Ferrell (Chazz Reinhold): ... yeah, crazy horny ...
Owen Wilson (John Beckwith): ... at a funeral?
Will Ferrell (Chazz Reinhold): ... grief is nature's most powerful aphrodisiac ...
Wedding Crashers

Will Ferrell (Mugatu): ... Derlicte, it is the fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vargrants, the crack whores, that make this wonderful city unique ...
Zoolander

Chris Kattan (Doug Butabi): ... did Mom get lipstick on me?
Will Ferrell (Steve Butabi): ... yeah, but it looks like you were making out ...
Chris Kattan (Doug Butabi): ... sweet ...
A Night at the Roxbury

Will Ferrell (Steve Butabi): ... the truth is, I'm a rebel and you're like this sweet girl next door type ...
Molly Shannon (Emily Sanderson): ... Steve, you are forgetting, I'm in college, I go to college, ok? ... translation, drunken orgies with occasional CliffsNotes ...
A Night at the Roxbury

Chris Kattan (Doug Butabi): ... you can take away our phones and you can take away our keys, but you can NOT take away our dreams ...
Will Ferrell (Steve Butabi): ... that's right, because we are like sleeping when we have them ...
A Night at the Roxbury
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