Wanda Sykes Stand Up Jokes
Lot Of Strip Clubs in Florida...good grief...Florida has so many strip clubs, they need to change their state flag to a brass pole
I went to this one strip club with the guys after the show and we get to the strip club and they actually tried to charge me a cover, can you believe that...you want me to pay...I was like pay are you out your damn mind..come on man I brought my own titties"
I worked out for you guys.. I went to the gym earlier and it's something I don't do.. because I hate working out. They see me in their and they try to get me a personal trainer and they want to get me on a steady plan. I was like I don't need to damn personal trainer. I don't need a damn skinny bitch hollerin at me all the time. I'm not going to pay somebody to holla at me nuh huh. And when you get a personal trainer the first thing they do is mess with your food. They do. They say first thing were going to do is cut out all of your carbs. Hold up Hold Up Let me explain something to you I have this medical condition when you cut out my carbs my foot right up your ass...I don't know what it is!
Don't bother me while I'm eating, or when I'm coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going.
I guess because of my act, people think that I say things they want to say, and that they can just come up and say anything to me.
I'm here today because I hated everything else.
If something stinks, I say it stinks. But I try to massage it a little and not be as cutting, come behind it with a joke: Hey, I cut you deep, but now let me put a couple of stitches in you.
Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.
Usually, there's nothing being thrown toward the stage or at me. Then I feel pretty good about it.
Wanda Sykes Movie Quotes
Wanda Sykes (Rita): Why do you sound like Evan Baxter but look like a Bee Gee?
Wanda Sykes (Rita): Evan, what happened? Did you fall in a mine shaft?
Evan Baxter: No.
Wanda Sykes (Rita): Did you just come out of a coma?
Evan Baxter: No.
Wanda Sykes (Rita): Were you attacked by a werewolf?
Evan Baxter: No, I wasn't.
Wanda Sykes (Rita): Well, if you were going for that rugged look, I think you over-shot it.
Evan Baxter: [he enters his new office] This is nice.
Wanda Sykes (Rita): It's too nice. There's something crooked going on around here.
Wanda Sykes (Rita): Do you smell anthrax?
Freddy the Ferret: [the unconscious farmer has discovered the animals] He knows too much! We gotta take care of him. We gotta whack him!
Otis the Cow: There will be NO WHACKING! Okay? The farmer's a good guy! He's been good to us.
Miles the Mule: He's a vegan! God bless him.
Pig the Pig: And, uh, what is a vegan again?
Freddy the Ferret: Oh, I know this one...
Pip the Mouse: Naw, I got it... it means you can't eat anything with a face.
Peck the Rooster: No, no, that's a vegetarian.
Pig the Pig: Vegetarians have to eat in the dark, right?
Duke the Dog: That's a VAMPIRE. C'mon!
Pip the Mouse: You can't eat cheese?
Wanda Sykes (Bessy the Cow): It's not just cheese, vegans can't have ANY dairy products.
Peck the Rooster: Cake?
Pig the Pig: Cake has egg products...
Pip the Mouse: But you can't have any dairy!
Freddy the Ferret: No dairy? But I LOVE dairy! Does that mean I can't be a vegan?
Pig the Pig: I love the smell of bacon! There, I said it.
[the animals all gasp as the farmer awakens and reacts. Miles kicks him in the head a second time]
Otis the Cow: WOULD YOU NOT DO THAT?
Miles the Mule: It's not like we have a lot of options.
Wanda Sykes (Ruby): [fighting Viola for the nut-tainted gravy] I think you dislocated my vagina.
Wanda Sykes (Ruby): Fix your hair. You look like a damn cockatoo.
Viola Fields: I cannot believe she compared me to Gertrude!
Wanda Sykes (Ruby): I know. Now that's just wrong.
Viola Fields: Thank You.
Wanda Sykes (Ruby): You are far worse. I don't recall Gertrude ever trying to poison you. And I'm pretty sure she wore black to your wedding.
Viola Fields: Black. Yeah, she said she was in mourning. I just want my son to be happy.
Wanda Sykes (Ruby): Whatever made you think he wasn't?
Viola Fields: [Walks out of institution] Ruby, oh my dearest friend. I've missed you so much.
Wanda Sykes (Ruby): Well good. They still got you medicated.
Viola Fields: That slut is practically throwing herself on him!
Wanda Sykes (Ruby): I don't blame her, that boy's one fine piece of ass!