Tommy Cooper Cooperisms
Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.
A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.
I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it.'
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.
Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.
So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
"Man went into a bar. He went 'Ouch'. It was an iron bar."
"Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no (h)arm in it' "
'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'
I said, 'Not only that. 'I said, I said... I said it twice, I said, 'He's got one leg shorter than the other. 'He said, 'What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?'
I said, 'Forget the chicken, give me a lobster, and he brought me this lobster. I said just a minute, he's only got one claw. 'He said 'Well he's been in a fight. 'I said, 'Well give me the winner.'
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
"Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
D'you know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine."
So that was nice.
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still,
what can you expect from a cross-breed.
How do you get out of prison?
Rub your hands together until they're sore, then use the saw to chop through the bars...
I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to
Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on
telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to
do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than
anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I
can hardly contain myself.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and
a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well
the other day there was a fire at the factory that
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt
saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of
snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want
to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",
he said "Those are pickled onions".
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came
up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle
like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report
a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two
school bags, he's bisatchel.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman
wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load
of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there
were no salivas.
"Cos it's strange, isn't it.
You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.
' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
"I woke up the other night. I had one foot up here like this (pushing the flat of the hand under his chin), and the other up there like that; not like that (rotating his hand and back again), like that.
I backed horse last week at ten to one.
It came in at quarter past four.
Then I thought to myself; My feet are killing me".
Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners
A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.'
Man says, Why? The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours'
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.Tommy Cooper - cooperisms
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual' .
And the dentist said to me, 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin.
I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'
So I said to the doctor. 'People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball. 'The doctor said 'Howzat?' I said, 'don't you start'.
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
'I was standing at a party the other night and across the room was an attractive woman. I looked at her and cocked my eye. She looked at me and cocked her eye back. And there we stood, cock-eyed.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled a mussel.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right the steaks are too high."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before
Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.