Stewart Francis Stand Up Jokes
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
"I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer. So dad, if you're up there...."
I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'.... you probably saw our posters.
"I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn't like being spoken to in that voice."
"I wrote a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment. It's called Man or Myth."
"I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic and I won't take no for an answer."
"There are two types of people I hate .... racists and Norwegians."
"Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down."
I went to my local library yesterday, and asked: "Have you got a book on handling rejection without killing?"
"Don't Worry I haven't heard of you either!"
"Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me"
My teacher said I'd do much better at school if I stopped flirting... I immediately got off his lap.
"I went to a Karaoke Bar last night that didn't play any 70s music, at first I was afriad, oh I was petrified"
"My grandmother whose addicted to tea, hates the way I say thingssssss(to the sound of a tea kettle)"
I don't think I could be gay.... I just don't have it in me.
Some people say Birmingham looks great in the summer. I reckon it looks better in the rear view mirror.
"My dad has a wierd hobby he collects empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic"
"I have a girlfriend, I've been going out with my girlfriend for........sex!"
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; it was riveting.
I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.
I had an unemployed dwarf do a bit of casual work for me; he asked to be paid under the table.
Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.
"My girlfriend say's that I'm afraid of committment....well she's not my girlfriend...more a wife"
"My wife and I have decided we don't want any children if anybody else does we can drop them off tomorrow"
"We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom, in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow"