Steven Wright Jokes
Steven Wright Movie Quotes:
Steven Wright (Dr. Emil Reingold): Mickey and Mallory know the difference between right and wrong; they just don't give a damn.
Natural Born Killers
Wayne Gale: Mallory Knox has said that she wants to kill you.
Steven Wright (Dr. Emil Reingold): I never really believe what women tell me.
Natural Born Killers
Steven Wright (K-Billy DJ): That was The Partridge Family's "Doesn't Somebody Want to be Wanted?", followed by Edison Lighthouse's "Love Grows where my Rosemary Goes" as K-Billy's Super Sounds of the 70's weekend just keeps on... truckin'.
Reservoir Dogs
Steven Wright Stand Up Jokes
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family picnics.
Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving horizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you.
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd. Very disciplined.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "woman".
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal. I like to leave messages before the beep.
Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
I worked as a lumberjack for a lumber company. All of the trees were just 10 feet high and 1/4 inch thick. We made paneling.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty.
My uncle's an airline pilot... Kinda makes it difficult to hold the bottle though.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... It pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
When I was a kid, I remember seeing Smokey the Bear on TV saying, "Only you can prevent forest fires." I thought "Who? Me?" So I'd sneak out of the house in the middle of the night with a bucket of water -- "Gotta go to work."
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty.
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. With braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... You can't hear him talk.
I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.
Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.
This is my impression of a bowling ball... (Drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it...) Gutter...
I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
I didn't know it then, but looking back, in hindsight, I realize that when I was younger I could see into the future. Now I'm getting all my premonitions as flashbacks!
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Granted, it takes longer.
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "Heck no, why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back back to sleep..."
When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. Suppose you are in a space bus traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights--what happens?" He said, "How should I know?!" I said, "Forget it, I don't want to work for you."
I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."
I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
On the other hand... You have different fingers.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
What do batteries run on?
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."
The other day somebody stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica... When my roommate came home I said, "Roommate, someone stole everything in our apartment and replaced it with an exact replica." He looked at me and said, "Do I know you?"
I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.
I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only like the white part.
When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (Picks up his glass of water from the stool...) I like to live on the edge...
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I said, "Five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six."
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... Boy, were they mad!
If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "You started this."
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
My neighbors don't like it when I talk to my plants... I use a megaphone.
"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.