Steve Martin Jokes

Steve Martin Stand Up Jokes

I saw the movie, 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' and I was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they're crouching and hidden.

A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They can be democrats…or skinny.
(2003 Oscars)

Boy, those French, they have a different word for everything!

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Steve Martin Movie Quotes

The Pink Panther 2 (2009) (Inspector Jacques Clouseau)

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: I am now leaving France. This is a bad idea.
[steps over "You are now leaving France" line in airport]
TV Announcer: The legendary Pink Panther diamond has been stolen.
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: What'd I tell you?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And your name?
Vicenzo: Vicenzo Roccara Squarcialupi Brancaleone.
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Oh... That is your name. I thought you were ordering in Italian. Once again.
Vicenzo: Vicenzo Roccara Squarcialupi Brancaleone.
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Vicen tam-ta-da-tam-tam Don Corleone

Pepperidge: Tell me, how did you enjoy your trip to the *airport*?
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [holding his stamped hand to his chin in thought] Now, how did you know that?

Vicenzo: Clouseau, you are a lover. And Nicole is a woman for a lifetime, a woman to have the babies with.
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: To have the babies? To have the babies?
Vicenzo: Yes, lots and lots of the babies... All day long the babies. *Walks away*
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: ...All day long the babies?

The Pink Panther (2006) (Inspector Jacques Clouseau)

Ponton: You never cease to surprise me, sir.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: It's true. My surprises, they are rarely unexpected.

French journalist: Inspector, do you know if the killer was a man or woman?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well of course I know that! What else is there? A kitten?

Ponton: He was just found dead in a training facility locker room. Shot in the head.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Was it fatal?
Ponton: Yes.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: How fatal?
Ponton: Um, completely.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I want to talk to him now!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [asking Ponton about his wife] Tell me about her.
Ponton: I consider her the most beautiful woman in the world.
Ponton: What about yourself?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: No, I don't consider myself a beautiful woman.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You are Yuri the trainer who trains.
Yuri: Yeah, that's right.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I am looking for a dead body. Perhaps you can tell me where it is.
Yuri: Oh, yeah. I heard it was in the locker room. You go down the hall, make a right and two lefts.
[seeing that Clouseau has almost burst into laughter and is trying to control it]
Yuri: You are finding something amusing here?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I'll be honest with you. I - I find your accent quite funny. Where are you fvam?
Yuri: From Russia. Gluant recruited me from the Russian military gym.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [mocking him] "do-do-do-ba-ba-lo"
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You need to work on your accent.
Yuri: What?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What?
Yuri: What? What?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What?
Yuri: What?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I don't have time for this. I have to solve a murder.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And you are?
Ponton: Gilbert Ponton. Detective, second class. I've been assigned to work with you.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And what qualifications do you have for police work?
Ponton: My family's done police work in Paris for nine generations.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And before that?
Ponton: We were policemen in the surrounding areas for 200 years.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And before that?
Ponton: Immigrants from various countries in Europe all involving police work.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And before that?
Ponton: Farmers.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Hmm. So you are a little lamb who has come to Clouseau for to learn.

Cheaper By The Dozen (2005) (Tom Baker)

Nigel Baker: Winnetka? That's my middle name.
Kyle Baker: And Lake is mine.
Tom Baker: That's because you were conceived there.
Nigel Baker: What's that mean?
Jessica Baker: It means mom and dad had...
Kate 'Mom' Baker: ...a conversation, that we would discuss it much later when everybody could understand!

Lorraine Baker: You know how I feel about camping.
Tom Baker: But, we're staying in a house.
Lorraine Baker: A house with no air conditioning. That makes it camping.

Tom Baker: That's not gonna fit in your tent, Lorraine.
Lorraine Baker: Oh, I'm gonna make it fit, Dad!

Lorraine Baker: Still smells the same. Old gross stuff, dead animals, and murky lake water.
Tom Baker: It's called fresh air sweetie.

Cheaper By The Dozen (2003) (Tom Baker)

Tom: You were checking me out, weren't you?
Kate: Yes, I was. You got a problem with that?
Tom: Twelve kids later and we still got the heat.
Kate: Whoo!

Kate: My book's getting published.
Tom: Did I tell you we're going to have it all?
Kate: You've never said that.
Tom: [Sweeping Kate onto the bed] I'm telling you now, baby.
Lorraine: [Rushing from the room] Oh my god, can you guys just please wait till I leave the room?
Tom: [Between kisses] Can you hurry?

Lorraine: [walks into kitchen] I am totally aware that this family doesn't value self-presentation in the same obsessive way that I do. Fine. Whatever. But one of my life goals aside from being, like, a fashion guru is to indicate to the local community that the Baker family actually owns a bar of soap. So, as self-appointed in-house rep of style and hygiene, I think that I should be allotted at least five extra minutes in front of the mirror.
Tom: Three.
Lorraine: Done.
Tom: Good now help your sister butter the toast.

Tom: [when Kate leaves] I have done it, she is gone! Now I can raise you children the way I want to! Mwa ha ha, ha ha, ha!
[kids stare blankly]
Tom: C'mon, Dad's in charge now, you can... eat candy for breakfast, sleep in, wear shoes in the house, it'll be great!
[kids continue to stare blankly. Tom finally gives up]
Tom: Yeah, I know, let's go inside.

Bringing Down the House (2003) (Peter Sanderson)

Peter Sanderson: I message for you. Howie says, 'The cool points out the window and you got him all twisted up in the game.'
Charlene Morton: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Charlene Morton: I kicked it off the heezy and bounced... fo' real, tho!
Peter Sanderson: What did you just say?

Charlene Morton: Pretend I'm your wife. Talk dirty to me.
Peter Sanderson: Um, okay... I wanna kiss you A LOT!
Charlene Morton: No no no! Dirtier...
Peter Sanderson: I wanna give you - an aromatherapy massage!
Charlene Morton: Try harder!
Peter Sanderson: I wanna have SEXUAL INTERCOURSE with...
Charlene Morton: I give up!

Peter Sanderson: And believe me, Sarah is going places!
[Charlene looks out the window to see Sarah sneaking out and getting into a car with a boy]
Charlene Morton: Oh, she's going places alright.

Mrs. Kline: Those latin people that were skulking around here earlier...
Peter Sanderson: Oh, they were looking at that house down the street.
Mrs. Kline: Casing it?
Peter Sanderson: No, no, they were looking to buy.
Mrs. Kline: Oh, please. If those people are on this block and not holding a leaf blower...
Peter Sanderson: We'll talk more about this later, Mrs. Kline!

Bowfinger (1999) (Robert K Bowfinger)

Robert K. Bowfinger: We're finished! It's over between us!
Daisy: But why?
Robert K. Bowfinger: You slept with Jiff.
Daisy: So?
Robert K. Bowfinger: You know, I never thought about it that way.
Daisy: So I'll see you tonight?
Robert K. Bowfinger: What time?

Robert K. Bowfinger: ...but what are some of your favorite TV shows?
Daisy: I love the Flintstones.
Robert K. Bowfinger: Oh I love the Flintstones too, that's so good, do you like that? Now, okay, do you like walks in the park?
Daisy: In the rain!
Robert K. Bowfinger: Oh God, you know what, I want you to see the Music Man, because...
Daisy: I've seen that! I love the Music Man!
Robert K. Bowfinger: Isn't Robert Preston good?
Daisy: He's so good! Do you LOVE Smashing Pumpkins?
Robert K. Bowfinger: Are you kid - I LOVE to do that!

Robert K. Bowfinger: Do you have any experience in motion pictures?
Jiff Ramsey: Uh, well, yeah, quite a bit, actually, I have quite a bit of experience. I'm an active, uh, renter at Blockbuster, and I, um, attend the filmed cinema, uh, as much as possible, weekly, bi-weekly, inter-week-... intermediately.
Robert K. Bowfinger: Would you be willing to cut your hair?
Jiff Ramsey: [sighs] Oh, yes, but, uh, it's usually better if someone else does it. I've had a few... accidents.

Robert K. Bowfinger: And why is this going to work? Because Afrim here is a damn fine screenwriter, as well as accountant and part time receptionist. I said to Afrim "If you can write half as well as you can add-" Well I didn't even have to finish my sentence. Twelve days later he hands me this, this masterpiece. Afrim, tell them what it's called.
Afrim: Chubby Rain.
Robert K. Bowfinger: Tell them why!
Afrim: Because when the aliens come down to earth, they come inside raindrops, making the rain chubby. Chubby rain!

Kit: [looking around] Hey! Freddy?
Slater: You heard me Kincade, don't act dumb! Where's the plutonium?
Kit: Hey, the plutonium is mine, its been registered for religious purposes!
Slater: [confused] You, you actually have some plutonium?
Robert K. Bowfinger: [listening] He's got *plutonium*?

Father of the Bride Part II (1995) (Stanley Banks)

Matty Banks: I'm, 4-foot 6, I don't shave, I don't have a job, and I'm gonna be an uncle. Is there something weird about that?
George Banks: Finally, someone who thinks like I do.
Nina Banks: Oh, yeah, a 12 year old.

George Banks: Mr Habeeb, please, You see this pathway? I laid these bricks with my own two hands, I planted this grass, I built this fence, I BROKE THAT WINDOW WITH A FRISBEE, I painted these shutters. Don't bulldoze my memories man sell me back my home.
Mr Habeeb: For how much?

Nina Banks: Matty, what's going on?
Matty Banks: May I be excused?
Nina Banks: No, no sir. You may NOT be excused.
[George gets up to leave]
Nina Banks: George?
George Banks: The guy offered me $10,000 to be out of the house in ten days.
Nina Banks: The guy offered you $10,000 to out of the house in ten days?
John MacKenzie: I hope you took it, George.
Matty Banks: He did. And he threw in Mom's favorite dishes just to close the deal.
Nina Banks: George!
George Banks: [yells an order in Arabic]

Father of the Bride (1991) (Stanley Banks)

Franck Eggelhoffer: Uh-oh, I bring the wrong color thread. I assumed you'd be wearing a black "tuxado."
George: It is a black "tuxado."
Franck Eggelhoffer: I don't think so, babe. This tux is "nuffy" blue. No doubt about it.
George: What're you talking about? Armani doesn't make a blue tuxedo.
Franck Eggelhoffer: Armani don't also make "polyaster."

George: Annie, it's a little nippy out, you might want to put on a sweater.
Annie: Dad, it's okay, I'm kinda warm.
George: Still, there's a chill in the air and you've been on a plane.
Annie: Dad, I'm fine.
Bryan: Annie, it is kinda cold out.
Annie: It is?
Bryan: Yeah.
Annie: All right, thanks, I'll get my jacket.

Howard Weinstein: [on the phone] Mr. Banks, this is Howard Weinstein. Franck's Executive Assistant. I... ave... your estimate for you.
George Banks: I can barely hear you!
Howard Weinstein: I'm in my car going through Water Canyon. Call you back?
George Banks: No, no, no. I want the estimate. How much? What's the damage?
Howard Weinstein: Well, everything from the flowers, to the honeymoon limo...
George Banks: Ok, everything. How much?
Howard Weinstein: [cutting out] - dred and - ifty a -ead.
George Banks: You're breaking up. It sounded like you said 150 a head.
Howard Weinstein: No, no!
George Banks: Good. I was about to kill myself.
Howard Weinstein: It's 250 a head.

Matty Banks: Right, together. Left, together. Right, together.
George: Matty, you're up pretty late, aren't ya?
Matty Banks: Yeah, I know I'm just practicing. I wish I didn't have to walk Mom down the aisle.
George: Don't worry, you'll be great.
Matty Banks: Is it right, together, left or left, together, right?
George: Well, let's try it. Let's see, we go right together, left together. Good. Matty, I'm sorry if I've been preoccupied lately with this wedding.
Matty Banks: It's ok.
George: Yeah, but I have, haven't I?
Matty Banks: It's all right. I understand.
George: Yeah, but...
Matty Banks: Yeah, ya have. But I haven't felt ignored or anything. Don't worry Dad. No permanent damage done.
George: Oh, well, good.
Annie: [in the background] It's really cute and cozy and in a great neighborhood. You'll see it. I am really excited. I've got all this packing to do, and this room looks so different.
Matty Banks: It's gonna be weird, isn't it? Just you and me and Mom here now.
George: Yeah. Come on. Goodnight pal. Sleep tight.
Matty Banks: Good luck tomorrow dad.
George: Yeah, you too.
Matty Banks: Annie?
Annie: Yeah?
Matty Banks: Goodnight.
Annie: Goodnight, Matty. I love you.
Matty Banks: I love you too.

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