Russell Howard Stand Up Jokes
Silly things make you laugh and if they do, f*ck it. I was on a train and we went through a place called Didcot Ladygrove. I was laughing already, but my friend topped it by going, "I'll bet that's what the Queen calls her vagina."
North Korea are testing nuclear weapons. Why? Don't worry Korea! Nobody wants to get you. That's like Ann Widdecombe buying a rape alarm.
What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup ... just pleased to be there.
The first time you see a vagina you're like, "It's brilliant." But it's actually terrifying. It looks exactly like Rio Ferdinand's smile.
"So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say -
'Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common?
Everyone in this jacuzzi has sucked on my tits.'
'Also the dog was sitting in the jacuzzi'
Have people always been this angry? I've got a funny idea that before the internet people were just writing 'fuck you' and attaching it to pigeons.
With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: 'He looked really well in that final video.' I was, like: 'No, he didn't – he looked like someone had melted goat's cheese over a sex doll.'
The internet, it's destroyed porn hasn't it, it's so depressing if you're a teenage boy now because you can type in 'tit' and you've got every image under the sun. When I was a kid the only way you found porn was when it magically arrived in the woods. What a moment that was in your youth!