Russell Brand Jokes

Russell Brand Stand Up Jokes

No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine.
He's been feeding off I Don't Like Mondays for 30 years.

Peter Crouch.
Even in name, he seems like a Victorian oddity.
"Igor, fetch 'the Crouch' from the catacombs, we're going to the graveyard."

When I was 11, I used to binge-eat and make myself throw up.
I was a fat kid.
Obviously I didn't quite master the bulimia.

I would define my looks as a Victorian Childcatcher.
Or an S&M Willy Wonka who likes to use a riding crop on his own leg in his spare time.

Fame loses a little of its cache when you have to tell people that you have it.

If you're in a room with Britney Spears, you just want to say, "What did you shave your head for, love?"

How long is it polite to pretend to continue to listen to someone after they've revealed they've got a boyfriend?

When you bump into your own mom at an orgy, it's hard not to get her to read into certain things.

Surfing is both an ideological and semantic sin against nature.

You know, the relationships we 'ave, everything sort of bubbles under the surface. No one ever says what they actually mean, do they? It's all a bit pappy and rubbish.

Doing Life (2007)

I kat you?

So by being offended you've sorta acknowledged that you are thick, and none of us are, so we're all back on speaking terms!

You'd think, if you was me, you would think this and I am me, so I'm in a perfect position to offer conclusive evidence on that... innit like when you go away on holiday, you think 'oh yeah, I'd better go away on holiday, cheer myself up, get away from it all" but when you go on holiday, you're there, so it's shit!

so when I was staying with him, he went 'alright, okay, so what time do you go to bed then?' and I thought 'fucking hell! he doesn't know what he's doing!! SHIIIIIIT!!' I went 'oooh, about, 10 oclock?', 'ah yeah, alright then'. YEEEES!! it's like the same feeling that as an adult I would get walking through customs with heroin in my bottom. 'I'm getting away with iiiiit!

MTV Video Music Awards (2008)

Some people, I think they're called racists, say America is not ready for a black president. But, I know America to be a forward-thinking country, right, because otherwise, you know, would you have let that retarded cowboy fella be president for eight years? We were very impressed. We thought it was nice of you to let him have a go, because, in England, he wouldn't be trusted with a pair of scissors.

One minute, he's just a teenage lad in Alaska having joyful unprotected sex, the next minute: 'Get to the Republican Convention!' I think that is the best safe sex message of all time: 'Use a condom, or become Republican!'

Russell Brand Movie Quotes

Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Peter Bretter: I can see why Sarah likes you.
Aldous Snow (Russell Brand): No accounting for taste, I suppose, in her case, anyway.
Peter Bretter: Well, she was with me for five years, so there you go.
Aldous Snow (Russell Brand): Yeah, you got four on me then, mate.
Peter Bretter: You slept with Sarah a year ago?
Aldous Snow (Russell Brand): I thought you knew! Peter, please, don't take it seriously.
Peter Bretter: What the fuck, man! You...
Aldous Snow (Russell Brand): Don't get offended by that.
Peter Bretter: You can't be so casual about this! This isn't Europe, okay? There are rules here!

Aldous Snow (Russell Brand): Actually, Peter, I wanted to tell you, I was listening to Sarah's iPod the other day, and amidst the interminable dross that's on that thing, I found one track that I quite liked. So I checked what it was, and it was actually one of yours, and it kind of reminded me of a dark, gothic Neil Diamond. It's great.
Peter Bretter: That's, like, exactly what I'm going for.
Aldous Snow (Russell Brand): Right, yeah.
Peter Bretter: [clearly disappointed] Fuck you're cool! It's so hard to say, because, like, I hate you in so many ways.

Aldous Snow (Russell Brand): Come on tour with me. I'll serenade you every night in front of thousands of women.
Sarah Marshall: I didn't know you were going on tour.
Aldous Snow (Russell Brand): Yeah, I'm going in two weeks. It's like an 18 month tour, 43 countries, Infant Sorrow, and it's gonna be a massive tour.
Sarah Marshall: Yeah, I can't come cause I have a job. I'm a working actress.
Aldous Snow (Russell Brand): Not anymore. You're an unemployed actress. Perfect. You could be the queen of the groupies, queen of the Sorrow Suckers.
Sarah Marshall: The Sorrow Suckers?
Aldous Snow (Russell Brand): Sorrow Suckers. I don't know why they call them that.

[after faking an orgasm to upstage Peter and Rachel in the next room]
Aldous Snow (Russell Brand): You're still involved with him next door, ain't ya?
Sarah Marshall: Excuse me?
Aldous Snow (Russell Brand): You should've seen yourself at dinner, Sarah. Then you came back here and put on that ghastly performance. I mean I've heard that women do fake orgasms, but I've never seen one. It really deeply upset me.
Sarah Marshall: You should've seen *yourself* at dinner.
[Imitating Aldous's accent]
Sarah Marshall: "Oh, I'm Aldous Snow! Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Oh no drinks for me thanks. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit!"
Sarah Marshall: [Pointing to his tattoos]
[In normal accent]
Sarah Marshall: And you know what? Let me tell you something about these tattoos, okay. That is Buddhist, that is Nordic, that is Hindu, that's just gibberish. They are completely conflicting ideologies, and that does not make you a citizen of the world, it makes you full of shit!
Aldous Snow (Russell Brand): Was that genuine or did you fake that? Right, I'm probably gonna clear off now. I'll have a little sleep for a few hours, then I'm probably gonna go in the morning. Okay.
Sarah Marshall: I hate your music.
Aldous Snow (Russell Brand): Yeah, well I fucked the housekeeper, the other day.

Aldous Snow (Russell Brand): Awful bloody film. I say, it's just a ridiculous premise. What would happen if your mobile phone killed you? Why would a mobile phone kill anyone? Doesn't make sense. How can a mobile phone have an agenda and kill people...
Peter Bretter: I told her that when she read the script
Aldous Snow (Russell Brand): Yeah, you were the voice of reason, mate.
Peter Bretter: I tried to be, but she didn't listen.
Aldous Snow (Russell Brand): Going around killing people. A mobile phone, like doing murders.
Peter Bretter: Why couldn't you just take the battery out of the phone?
Aldous Snow (Russell Brand): Right. That's it. The battle's over.
Peter Bretter: Yeah, we've won.
Aldous Snow (Russell Brand): I hated it.
Sarah Marshall: Well, it's not for everyone, but it...
Peter Bretter: No, it's ridiculous. Here's my favorite scene. Hello?
[Peter feigns death]
Aldous Snow (Russell Brand): Right. I could never happen.
Sarah Marshall: It's a metaphor for addiction to technology.
Rachel Jansen: For society, how we're reliant on technology. I get it. I'm with you.
Aldous Snow (Russell Brand): It's a metaphor for a crap movie.

Bedtime Stories

Mickey (Russell Brand): [after Skeeter has just thrown ketchup at him] you know what? Ketchup is GOOD for you! It exfoliates the skin, so who's the real victim here? YOU ARE!

Mickey (Russell Brand): I can't read.
[Buggsy laughingly squeaks at him]
Mickey (Russell Brand): Shut up, Buggsy. Yeah? I got opposable thumbs. How do you feel about that?
[Buggsy stops]

Skeeter Bronson: You mind sleeping over? I'm gonna duck out a few hours.
Mickey (Russell Brand): Oh, yeah, yeah. Mmm. By the way, um... I am, uh, legally obliged to tell you that I suffer from... sleep panic disorder.
Skeeter Bronson: OK, what's, uh, sleep panic disorder?
Mickey (Russell Brand): Believe me, you don't want to know.

Mickey (Russell Brand): Look's like Bugsy's eaten a lot of burgers in the last ten minutes.
Skeeter Bronson: Wow!
Mickey (Russell Brand): He keeps going like that, we could make bacon out of Bugsy.
[Bugsy looks at them]
Skeeter Bronson: He's kidding, Bugsy. Take it easy.

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