Robin Williams Stand Up Jokes
Why do they call it Rush Hour when nothing moves?
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.
Politics: Poli, a Latin word meaning many; and tics meaning, bloodsucking creatures.
In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say Stop, or I'll say stop again.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
No Matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
Comedy is acting out optimism.
Spring is natures way of saying..."Lets Party".
Ahhh Yes, divorce from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Do you think God gets stoned? I think so… look at the platypus.
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
If Women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
You'll notice that Bush never speaks when Cheney is drinking water.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Robin Williams on J Leno Show about (Clinton,Iraq/Monica Lewinsky)
"You've got to give the guy some slack- He's caught between Iraq and a Hard-on."
Robin Williams Movie/TV Quotes
The Crazy Ones (2013-2014) (Simon Roberts)
Mitch: [Sydney accidentally hit another car] Why don't you tell your wife to be more careful?
Simon Roberts: My wife? How dare you! That's my daughter! Although, my second wife was her age, so I withdraw my indignation.
Simon Roberts: I'm ready to pitch them the truth. "Australia: it's so hot not even the Nazis wanted it".
Zach Cropper: [on Australia] Simon, God knows, if you're hating on something, we want to be right there with you, okay, but they gave us Naomi Watts.
Simon Roberts: Yeah, but they also gave us The Wiggles, which is only enjoyable if you're high. And what kind of message is that for kids?
Simon Roberts: It was like a candy-land Chernobyl.
The Angriest Man in Brooklyn (2014) (Henry Altmann)
Henry Altmann: [at Sharon] You told me I was gonna die in ninety minutes, because your cat jumped out a window?
Bette Altmann: Henry, what's going on?
Henry Altmann: We have to have sex, immediately! I don't have a lot of time...
Old Dogs (2009) (Dan)
Dan: Whoa. Does this drink come with a diving board? It's insane!
Zach: I think "scat" is poop.
Dan: Really, son?
Charlie: You wiped poop on my face?
Dan: Yeah. Scat happens, man.
Dan: If I'm gonna be an old dad, you're gonna be Uncle Charlie. We can do this.
Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian (2009) (Teddy Roosevelt)
Larry Daley: You know how you were telling me that the key to happiness was something but then the sun came up? I think I figured it out. It's doing what you love.
Teddy Roosevelt: I was going to say diet and exercise, but the love thing's good too.
Teddy Roosevelt: Some are born great, others have greatness thrust upon them.
August Rush (2007) (Maxwell 'Wizard' Wallace)
Wizard: What do you want to be in the world? I mean the whole world. What do you want to be? Close your eyes and think about that.
August Rush: Found.
Wizard: [pauses] Doesn't have enough yin. little more yang, ya know?
August Rush: yeah
Wizard: You know what music is? God's little reminder that there's something else besides us in this universe, a harmonic connection between all living beings, every where, even the stars.
Wizard: Deal's off.
August Rush: But Wizard, I have to play! I have to let them hear!
Wizard: [Grabs August and throws him against the fence] You play when I say play. You breathe when I say breathe! You got that boy? You forget about your parents! They were pretty quick to forget about you!
Wizard: [Wizard calms down a bit then continues] You do not know how precious your gift is. You're just a kid, you don't know. I do, August
Night at the Museum (2006) (Teddy Roosevelt)
Teddy Roosevelt: I'm made of wax, Larry. What are you made of?
Larry: [looks up at Dexter] Hey, Dex, so, look. No hard feelings, all right?
Teddy Roosevelt: [Dexter slaps Larry in the forehead and Larry raises his clipboard to hit him] Lawrence!
Larry: You saw - you saw what he did just then...
Teddy Roosevelt: [interupting him] Who's evolved?
Larry: I am.
Teddy Roosevelt: Who's evolved?
Larry: I am!
Teddy Roosevelt: Anything's posible Lawrence. If it can be dreamed, it can be done. Hence the twenty-foot jackal staring right at you.
[Larry starts to look]
Teddy Roosevelt: Don't make eye contact!
Insomnia (2002) (Walter Finch)
Finch: You're a good man. I know that. Even if you've forgotten it.
Finch: You and I share a secret. We know how easy it is to kill someone. That ultimate taboo. It doesn't exist outside our own minds.
Finch: [stops tape recorder] Wild Card!
Finch: [over phone] Must be hard to concentrate on this case after 3 days without sleep...!
Finch: You forgot the wild card, Will.
Finch: I didn't murder her. I killed her, but it just ended up that way.
One Hour Photo (2002) (Seymour Parrish)
Sy Parrish: When people's houses are on fire, what's the first thing they save after their pets and loved ones are saved?
Sy Parrish: Their family photos.
Bill Owens: Sy, there's a 1000 other places where you can do your photos. There's no reason to come all the way down other than to fuck with me.
Sy Parrish: There's a very good reason. I calibrated that machine personally. It's the best mini-lab in the state.
Bill Owens: Look, Sy, I got a family. I'm not losing my job over this. I'm letting you go.
Sy Parrish: No. Ohhh...
Bill Owens: These log discrepancies would be enough, but you've been spacing out on the job, taking 90-minute lunch breaks, creating scenes in front of the customers... giving away free merchandise.
Sy Parrish: What?
Bill Owens: Free disposable cameras to customers on their birthday? That must have been your bright idea. Sure as shit isn't company policy.
Sy Parrish: You can't do this.
Bill Owens: It's done, Sy. I talked to Sims at district. Now you finish out the week and clear out your locker. And if you do something like fuck up today's prints...
Sy Parrish: I haven't fucked up a customer's prints in 11 years!
Sy Parrish: [voice-over following opening interrogation room scene] Family photos depict smiling faces... births, weddings, holidays, children's birthday parties. People take pictures of the happy moments in their lives. Someone looking through our photo album would conclude that we had led a joyous, leisurely existence free of tragedy. No one ever takes a photograph of something they want to forget.
Patch Adams (1998) (Patch Adams)
Hunter Patch Adams: You don't understand, I'm leaving
Dr. Titan: Hunter, if you leave my records will say AMA, you left against medical advice.
Hunter Patch Adams: And Mine will say IDGARA, I don't give a rat's ass. And my name is Patch.
Hunter Patch Adams: I wanted to become a doctor so I could serve others. And because of that, I've lost everything. But I've also gained everything.
Arthur Mendelson: How many fingers do you see?
Hunter Patch Adams: Four.
Arthur Mendelson: No no! Look beyond the fingers! Now tell me how many you see.
Hunter Patch Adams: Hi. Patch Adams.
Mitch Roman: Mitch Roman. Georgetown University. I was awarded the William F. Thompson Scientific Achievement Award.
Hunter Patch Adams: Mmm. Emerson Elementary. I once drew a picture of a rabbit that got me two gold stars.
Hunter Patch Adams: Last night with Rudy, I connected to another human being. I want more of that. I want to learn about people, help them with their troubles.
Dr. Prack: That's what I do.
Hunter Patch Adams: But you suck at it.
Good Will Hunting (1997) (Sean Maguire)
Sean: Do you have a soul mate?
Will: Define that.
Sean: Someone you can relate to, someone who opens things up for you.
Will: Sure, I got plenty.
Sean: Well, name them.
Will: Shakespeare, Nietzsche, Frost, O'Conner...
Sean: Well that's great. They're all dead.
Will: Not to me, they're not.
Sean: You can't have a lot of dialogue with them.
Will: Not without a heater and some serious smelling salts.
Sean: So what do you really want to do?
Will: I wanna be a shepherd.
Will: I wanna move up to Nashua, get a nice little spread, get some sheep and tend to them.
Sean: Maybe you should go do that.
Lambeau: You're angry at me for doing what you could have done; but ask yourself, Sean. Ask yourself if you want Will to feel that way, if you want him to feel like a failure.
Sean: Oh, you arrogant shit! That's why I don't come to the goddamned reunions, 'cause I can't stand that look in your eye. Ya know, that condescending, embarrassed look. You think I'm a failure. I know who I am, and I'm proud of what I do. I was a conscientious choice, I didn't fuck up! And you and your cronies think I'm some sort of pity case. You and your kiss-ass chorus following you around going, "The Fields Medal! The Fields Medal!" Why are you still so fuckin' afraid of failure?
Sean: Maybe *you're* perfect right now. Maybe you don't wanna ruin that. I think that's a super philosophy, Will; that way you can go through your entire life without ever having to really know anybody...
Will: ...You ever think about gettin' remarried?
Sean: My wife's dead.
Will: Hence the word: remarried.
Sean: She's dead.
Will: Yeah; well, I think that's a super philosophy, Sean. I mean, that way you could actually go through the rest of your life without ever really knowing anybody.
Sean: Time's up.
Sean: Put it on my tab
Tim: You ever plan on paying your tab?
Sean: Yeah, chief. I've got the winning lottery ticket right here.
Tim: What's the jackpot?
Sean: Twelve million.
Tim: I don't think that will cover it.
Sean: Yeah, but it'll cover your sex change operation!
Flubber (1997) (Professor Philip Brainard)
Professor Philip 'Phil' Brainard: I was just gonna, you know, grade my lunch, eat a few tests and hope for the best.
Martha George: [about the excitement of getting married] How do you hold it in?
Professor Philip 'Phil' Brainard: [thinking she meant waste] Well, like everybody else, Ruthie. I just cross my legs real tight.
Martha George: [gets a little tickled by that answer] I was talking about your excitement.
Wilson Croft: I'm not an innovator like you, Phil. I'm an adapter, and to that end, I have profited from your ideas.
Professor Philip 'Phil' Brainard: Why are you here?
Wilson Croft: Well, to be honest. I'm here this weekend to steal your fiancee. And make her my wife.
Professor Philip 'Phil' Brainard: Well, I think you'll be sadly disappointed.
[Brainard and Reynolds are visiting Hoenicker to discuss the Flubber]
Chester Hoenicker: You came to repay your loan?
Phillip Brainard: No.
Chester Hoenicker: I know you didn't. I was just having a little fun.
Phillip Brainard: I'm here to sell you the Flubber.
Chester Hoenicker: You been to your house recently?
Phillip Brainard: Yes.
Chester Hoenicker: Do I really need to buy it?
Phillip Brainard: Flubber's a very quixotic substance. It's very difficult to handle. Have you tried to do anything with it?
Chester Hoenicker: My man is working on it. It won't be a problem.
Phillip Brainard: Well, I could make it a lot easier for you. If you give us a 30 day extension on the loan, I'll tell you everything I know... and make you a great deal of Flubber.
Chester Hoenicker: I'll give you the 30 days, and after that you give me two years. Whatever you come up with over the next two years is mine.
Sara Reynolds: That's not fair.
Chester Hoenicker: Shop somewhere else, lady.
Phillip Brainard: Sara. Sara. I'll do it.
Jumanji (1995) (Alan Parrish)
Sarah Whittle: Alan, please, last time I played this game, it ruined my life.
Alan Parrish: [laughs] It ruined your life? 'In the jungle, you must wait 'til the dice read five or eight'.
Sarah Whittle: I was a little girl, Alan. You disappeared, and a bunch of bats surrounded me and chased me down the street. I was afraid. I'm sorry, Alan. No one believed me, I was all alone.
Alan Parrish: So was I, for 26 years, Sarah.
Sarah Whittle: Alan, you wrestled an alligator for me.
Alan Parrish: It was a crocodile. Alligators don't have that little fringe on their hind leg.
Sarah Whittle: My mistake.
Alan Parrish: Play the game, Sarah.
Sarah Whittle: [whispering] Oh, no, no, no.
Alan Parrish: All right. Just give me the dice, and you can go home. You don't have to play.
Sarah Whittle: Oh, thank you.
[Sarah gives Alan the dice but moves his hand making Sarah roll as Alan laughs for fun]
Sarah Whittle: [loses it] Oh, my god! How could you do that?
Alan Parrish: It's the law of the jungle, Sarah. You'll get used to it.
Sarah Whittle: And I think of all the energy, I spent visualizing you as a radiant spirit.
Hunter Van Pelt: [leveling his gun at Alan] End of the line, Sonny Jim. Game's up.
[Sarah runs into the room]
Hunter Van Pelt: Start running.
Alan Parrish: [pause] No.
Hunter Van Pelt: Aren't you afraid?
Alan Parrish: I'm terrified. But my father says you should always face what you're afraid of.
Hunter Van Pelt: [lowering the gun; chuckling] Good lad. You're finally acting like a man.
[again leveling his gun]
Hunter Van Pelt: Any last words?
[Alan looks down and notices his game piece moving to the end of the board, after which the word "Jumanji" appears]
Alan Parrish: [quietly] Jumanji.
Hunter Van Pelt: Huh?
Alan Parrish: [slightly louder] Jumanji.
Mrs. Doubtfire (1993) (Daniel & Mrs. Doubtfire)
Mrs. Doubtfire: [after being introduced to Natalie] I admire that honesty, Natalie, that's a noble quality. Never lose that, because it often disappears with age, or entering politics.
[at the pool]
Stu: Your day's on me, Mrs Doubtfire. Anything you need, just put on my tab, okay?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, thank you, dear.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Touch me again, and I'll drown you, you bastard.
Lou: Daniel, that line was not in the script. Why did you add it?
Daniel: Well, I thought I should comment on the situation.
Lou: What situation?
Daniel: The fact that Pudgy the Parrot has a cigarette shoved into his mouth is morally irresponsible!
Lou: This is a cartoon, okay? This is not a freakin' Oprah Winfrey special.
Daniel: Lou, millions of kids see this cartoon, it's like sending each one of them a pack of cigarettes and saying "light up."
Daniel: [Wearing a black wig and speaking with a Spanish accent] I hope you are using Jungle Red, because that is the only color I love.
Jack: Mmm. Matches your lips.
Daniel: God bless you. You know I'm feeling fabulous, because I met this beautiful Cuban. Every night is like the Bay of Pigs.
Daniel: I can't lie to you. It's beautiful with him.
Daniel: I don't know. This will scare the children. Do you think so? I don't know, maybe this is too much for them?
Frank: I think we'll have to go to the next level: latex.
Daniel: Well, let's take a little vacation together with the kids, and get you away from work. You're a different person. You really are. You're great.
Miranda: Oh, Daniel, our problems would be waiting for us right here when we got back.
Daniel: Well, we'll move. That way our problems won't follow us.
Miranda: Daniel, please don't joke. We're far apart. We're different. We have nothing in common.
Daniel: Sure we do. We love each other. Come on, Miranda, we love each other... Don't we?
Miranda: I want a divorce.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Can you help me with something, I found this outside.
[holds up Mercedes hood ornament]
Stu: Uh, yes, this is off my, uh, Mercedes.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Off your Mercedes, dear, you own that big expensive car out there? Oh, dear. Well, they say a man who has to buy a big car like that is trying to compensate for smaller genitals.
Miranda: Hello, are you calling in response to the ad?
Miranda: Tell me, who was your previous employer?
Daniel: I was in a band, 'Severe Tire Damage'.
Miranda: In a band?
Daniel: I just want to know one thing. Are your kids well-behaved? Or do they need like, a few light slams every now and then?
Miranda: Umm, I'll have to get back to you.
Mork & Mindy (1978-1982) (Mork)
Mork: If Holly liked him so much, how come she punched him and told him he was weird.
Mindy McConnell: Boys and girls often punch or push or hit each other as a sign of affection.
Mork: Punching and pushing and calling someone names means you like them?
Mindy McConnell: Yeah, it can.
Mork: Then the cowboys and Indians are lovers?
Mindy McConnell: Mork, why are you building a tower of Cheerios?
Mork: Because it's hard to stack oatmeal.
Mork: [excited] Wait a minute, I've got to show you something. I've already picked out my bumper sticker.
[runs into bedroom and returns with a whole car bumper]
Todd Norman Taylor aka TNT: [reading the sticker] "Aliens make better lovers".
Mork: And look at this one here. "Horn if you're a honky".